Denial

A few months back my close friend had us over one afternoon. It was like most afternoons in that we often are at each other's house. Our girls were playing in one room, and our babies were crawling around at our feet. We often spend afternoons chatting away while the kiddos play, we feed them together and then get them home for bed. This afternoon was different though. The normal talk turned serious right away. She said she had to talk to me. My first thought was, "What have I done?" and the second was, "Oh no, you aren't pregnant again are you?" The latter would only be phrased with such negativity for those who celebrate the end of pregnancy forever like she and I have. As big as either one of those who have been they are nothing compared to what she had to tell me.

Over three years ago I met my friend at a pizza place not to far from our homes. We sat with our husbands and daughters. The guys hit it off, our then toddler daughters were instant giggling buddies, and she and I began a friendship that has been one of the most important in my adult life. All of us are inseparable. They had moved from London two weeks before, and didn't know very many people with kids. I had been just that day saying to my husband that I wished I knew more people with kids near our house and then I met them. We spent days together at the park, pool, each other's houses, and nights and weekends we would go out from time to time as well.

We have experienced so much together. If you have followed my blog in the past there are many posts written about our experiences together. We have gone through potty training, tantrums, first day of camp, first day of school, feeling left out, isolating others, competitive behavior, annoying behavior. We have been there for each other as friends and as mothers. We have managed to raise two beautiful girls who love each other as much as we love each other. The more I meet other parents the more I realize how rare a find like this is. We have gone through pregnancy, miscarriage, and pregnancy again. We looked after each other's daughters when we had our baby boys.  We went through the rough newborn phase together. Our daughters played together while we cried on each other's shoulders about sleep deprivation, adjusting to managing two kids, and whether life as we knew it before was over.

As it got easier we grew even tighter. Our boys now had playmates and they seemed as excited to see each other as our girls. We had a great routine going with carpooling to and from preschool each day. We discussed the future and visited where the girls would attend Kindergarten. We agreed that as much as they loved each other that it would be best to separate them. This was the plan at least, until it all changed that afternoon. My friend looked at me and said "We are moving back." I was in shock. This was too much for me to even comprehend. This wasn't possible, and how can we change this. She had been so happy here, they all had loved living in LA. Then came the tears first from me, then her, then an even bigger wave of sadness came over me like a kick in my stomach: I thought of the girls. It was a very defining moment as a mother. When something this big can affect me this way I could feel how monumental it would be for Twig. 

We decided to be honest with them straight away. It would have been too hard anyway to hide two grown women crying in the living room and pawn it off like nothing was wrong. We calmed ourselves enough to tell them and then prepared ourselves for the many questions to follow. It is now a few months later and the questions continue to roll in. The majority of them are about visiting each other though. They both have it all planned out, and we know they will see each other at Christmas time when they come back for a visit. That gives us a bit of time to start planning a visit to London. In no way, shape or form is this how any of us saw it all panning out, but there is clarity in one thing for sure, these girls have a bond for life. As their mothers we have a commitment to nurture that bond and although they are leaving, the friendship between us all isn't going anywhere.

One!

We made it! He made it! I made it!

The first year is behind us. It did not feel like it went quickly in the first few months but from six months on it seemed to fly by. I get a weekly update about what my baby is up to and suddenly I get one and it no longer says "baby." My little baby is now a toddler. This time is of course bittersweet. I read recently that the month of May is hard for children because it is the end of the year and if they are going on to a new school they keep hearing about all the changes but they can't really grasp what the change is or how it will affect them. There is so much hype around how they are getting bigger and they are moving on and in some ways they get excited but it can also cause them a great deal of anxiety.

Parents (me) go through this change as well. I cannot grasp that I now have a one year old and will soon have a five year old who will go off to kindergarten. I just felt that the first day of school was so far away. When I took the baby (pardon me, "toddler") to drop off Twig's kindergarten registration forms today the secretary mentioned that soon enough I'll be registering him too. Now I know that is kind of far away but I also now know how the speed of time passing seems to have changed dramatically. I don't know what it is to feel boredom, quiet, or down time anymore and when I am busy I never get the sense that anything is moving slowly. There are only four weeks left of preschool for my first baby and I feel she is just getting over the transition recently. She loves school, but goodbyes each morning are still a struggle.

Changes are not easy for everyone. They have always seemed especially hard for me. That being said I have had more practice then usual lately. We moved a month ago and it went much smoother than I thought. It was epic, moving an entire house with two small children underfoot. Both kids did really well too (except for the then baby getting sick the second night here -- that is always a picnic). The anticipation of the change is always harder than the actual day it arrives. I do get teary just thinking of preschool graduation day, cap and gowns, singing, goodbyes to teachers. Teary and my stomach is turning too. The first concept that will be difficult for her to grasp is that she will not be going back there after that last day. She will then have to adjust to starting in a summer camp. I'm sure she will just begin to get used to that right before that ends as well.

Having children has challenged me to navigate change more gracefully. Just like Twig I have to shift gears often now. I will miss her preschool, and her preschool friends. I will miss the things they help her with there that she won't have assistance with in kindergarten, like telling them what to eat from their lunch boxes first, and more one-on-one attention. I will miss that academics took a backseat to fun and that it will soon be the other way around for her. I look forward to her going to kindergarten to expand her knowledge, friends, and experiences. I look forward to her being able to walk to school from our new home, and I look forward to her having a sense of community more so than we have had from preschool.

As for my little and last baby, I will miss him falling asleep nursing. I will miss the curled up snuggle of a tiny baby. I will miss watching the transformation he made from half asleep to smiling to sitting up. I will miss his new baby smell. I am happy to part with the sleepless nights, the hormonal shifts I went through and the blowout diapers. I still get to marvel over newness with both of them on a daily basis. Twig is singing and making up songs, and he happily claps along. The older he gets the more I see the relationship between the two of them strengthening. They are much happier having each other to play with. On the day of his first birthday he stood up for the first time without holding on to anything. He had a huge smile on his face as he just stood there looking at all of us. There are still so many great firsts ahead for all of us. I am excited to share my days with my two wonders.

Enjoy Every Minute!

Every minute is not enjoyable though. I try to savor these moments but some of them I would like to hurry up and put behind me. The lack of sleep thing is insane and I have tried to find a solution to this issue for my now nine-month-old but nothing is sticking. I'm far less precious about it all this time around and yet he is not a quick study as far as sleep is concerned. I wish he could love it as much as the rest of us do. It's a pretty great thing when you get enough of it.

My amazing daughter isn't always so amazing either. She is a love, so smart and so sweet but wow, she can be annoying sometimes. I swear she woke up this morning as if she drank a can of Coke before she got out of bed. She was so loud and so jumpy. She was singing Jingle Bells while shaking both a maraca and bells. It was 8 a.m. on a Friday in February. I am not taking the baby to any baby classes like I did with her because clearly he is getting enough stimulation at home.

I am playing a constant game of catch-up these days which is better than a month ago when the list just kept piling up, but I still feel a bit overwhelmed. Twig is starting kindergarden in the fall and we are talking about the possibility of moving into a new house. When I look around this house I get hives thinking about how I would begin to pack it. I keep hearing my friend saying "one box at a time" which is true but at the rate I get things done right now we will get packed in time for her to start middle school.

Between nap schedule, carpool pick up, cooking meals, changing diapers, running errands and maybe just maybe some downtime at night to remember what my husband looks like, I have very little time to just be in the moment. Then someone will say "Enjoy every minute." In fact I think my mother said it this morning. If I really think about it I am maybe more present than I have ever been. I am watching every move my baby makes, I am there to listen and work out any emotional or physical trip-ups my daughter has, I am completely wiped by the end of every day and I can say most of it was still enjoyable. I get to watch two small people navigate through each day, steer them in a clear direction and help them brush themselves off when they encounter bumps along the way. I get greeted with smiles or kisses almost everytime I walk through the door, I snuggle them both down every night and take as many opportunities a day to inhale them when I hold them close. Every minute seems to fly by and when I embrace each of them it is apparent that they seem to be growing bigger in my arms, so I will heed the advice. I just hope I can remember it when they are driving me crazy.

Sheesh

The title of this post is all I was able to write when I sat down last week or month. I am not sure when because I haven't gotten to do much lately at all. It is a new year though, or at least it started twenty some odd days ago. My last post said I had a 5 month old and I now have a 8 month old. It's been a whirlwind. We are all sleeping a bit more at night but daytime downtime for me was nil until this week. He has taken a 40+ minute nap for 4 days in a row -- that's good for him. If there was a giant wooden ark somewhere near me I would knock it because I really like this new change and hope it sticks.

I am still typing as fast as I can for fear he'll wake up. I am not the fastest typist, and didn't like typing class in junior high, but I can guarantee this is the fastest I have ever mastered the keyboard. I don't love to do anything fast. I am a stop and smell the roses kind of person, but apparently if you want to get anything done with children around you must move quickly. I wasn't quite fast enough when he was taking half hour naps to take a shower and eat a meal so writing here took a backseat. Lets see how long this one takes to get edited and published.

I know when I started this blog I only had my daughter and one of the first posts was about lowering my expectations of what I can get done. Two kids take it to a whole other level. I am overwhelmed, to say the least. There are days when I feel a bit wacky for trying to manage morning until night without any help, but then there are days like today when I wake up to a smiley boy and girl, and am grateful that I am with them to witness it all. 

My girl these days is reading. Holy Cannoli, that happened sooner than I thought possible. She loves gymnastics, all things sparkling, playing the piano and over-loving her baby brother. She no longer needs a pull-up at night, and learned how to ice skate with me over the holidays. She loves her little friends, playing dress up, and eating sweets. She has a crazy sense of humor along with a brooding sensitive side -- she uses words like "terrible", "available", "delicate" and" bummer" almost daily and is the best cuddler I have ever known. 

My boy these days is biting. Holy crap it hurts and when I try to be firm with him, he thinks its the funniest thing ever. He has the best smile ever and can soften my mood even faster than a Mister Softee cone would. He is delicious!! He took a long time to get the eating thing down. He has two teeth and although he can use them well on me, he hadn't taken to anything tasty. I was discouraged but now suddenly this month he devours food. He loves to pull himself up to standing, he sits up and can get in and out of that position easily but doesn't quite crawl. He rolls to get around and loves a good game a peek a boo. His soft whispy hair is now growing over the tops of his ears. His smile is so big that he even wrinkles his nose and squints his eyes as if he is trying to squeeze just a bit more joy out of every grin.

These tiny moments of time to myself has allowed me to take a bit of a breath. If he keeps napping here and there I can sit down and type out the details of my day to day with these little munchkins. If not then well thats the way it goes I suppose, but I never want to forget this time. I know how fleeting it is, and just like my boy, I want to get as much of the good stuff as I can. It's too amazing to not take in every little bit.

My Boy-5 Months/ My girl 4 years

Another month has passed. It was a pretty busy one between a visit from my whole family and little Bud's first cold which turned into croup. Not a lot of sleeping, but during the chaos more personality emerged which results in more of a blossoming love fest between my boy and me. Here is another quick list of the highlights of month five.

The way you laugh when we kiss you under your arms.
The weight of your head sinking into my neck when you fall asleep on me.
The smell of your sweet baby breath.
Your soft blond hair beginning to fill in around your head.
The way you look to see if your sister is in her car seat whenever I put you in the car.
How happy you are when she sings to you.
When she teaches you about how things work, and tells you about your feet, or trees, and how you have to be kind to people. You look up at her trying to take it all in.
The squeels and screams you let out when you are happy.
When I pick you up you reach right for my cheek to give me a huge open mouth version of a kiss.
You clutch my neck and hair with your little fingers and although it isn't very gentle I have decided you are trying to give me a hug.
I put you down on the wood floor and you scooched across it while simultaneously licking it as you go.
Still love to suck your toes, making it hard to change your diaper, but you look too happy for me to take them out of your mouth.
How you will smile at anyone and make friends wherever we go.
You sleep 8 to 9 hours a stretch at night now. Phew!
You still don't like napping in your crib so I rock you to sleep sometimes and your cheek ends up right by mine and it makes me want to freeze time forever just to stay cheek to cheek with you.


My sweet girl. At four she is a feisty one, but doesn't cease to impress me. I am in awe of her and can't believe she is already such a little person. When I look at her I feel confident that I am doing a sufficient job as a parent (most of the time). We have challenging days and clashes here and there, but she is growing and that can be painful for all involved. My Lovey you have my heart.

The way you wake up in the morning and hide under your covers with the flashlight waiting to surprise me each day.
How you love books and have begun to figure out how to piece together words to read.
You are so little and cute but with such a huge personality.
Your hairstyles: two braids, a crown, one braid coming down, two low ponytails, rainbow braids, one ponytail, just a clip on the side.
Your sweets obsession. You take after me there.
When you use the words "prefer" "mention" or "solution"
When I overheard you talking to your friend and when she asked you what violence was you answered her by saying "violence is when people are not nice to each other and not nice to the world, and that is not good"
You are aware of those less fortunate then you and often say"I care for them"
Your brother loves you and you love him. You like to play with him and sing to him, you are such a great big sister.
The way you snuggle with me, and on those occasions that we get to share a bed on vacations, you are the best sleep-hugger there is.

When you smother me with kisses.
When I look at you and see how much we resemble each other.
How loud your laugh is when something silly happens on "Curious George" you favorite show.
The way you make friends so easily.
How joyful your spirit is.

My love bugs I adore you both and not a day goes by without feeling grateful and proud to be your mother.

My Boy

In some ways, time is moving slowly with a baby, but when I think about him already being around four months, I am reminded of how fleeting this time is. Since time is precious these days and I don't have a lot of it to spare, I am writing a list of things I don't want to ever forget about my four month old baby boy.

The smell of your downy hair.
Your wide toothless smile that is so big it looks as if you are screaming a silent squeal of joy.
Your pretty eyes.
Your cheeks and thighs are both chubby and solid simultaneously.
The perfect twist of your belly button.
The way we can fold you in half like a pretzel.
The way you roll over with one knee bent to the side.
The way you love to grab your feet, and sometimes even fall asleep while doing so.
The funny little tuft of hair you have in the back that is darker than the rest of your head.
When you crawl up my belly when I hold you.
I say "I kiss you" and you anticipate me planting one on your cheek.
Your quiet giggle.
When someone smiles at you, you smile back and then get coy and turn away.
The sparkle in your eyes when you see your sister after she has been at school all day.
When you nuzzle your face into my neck. Heaven!
After you have been fussing in your crib and I open the door you are already smiling before I even walk over to you.
Your little fingers wrapped around my hands.
Nuzzling my face into your neck. Also heaven!
The way you reach for little toys now.
The affection you have for the little soft froggy that is in your car seat.
How much you love the water, and how much you kick whenever you are in it.
When I pick you up to nurse you at night how you start to try to suck before we even sit down.
How you fall back asleep in my arms and look so beautiful that I have to stare at you every night.

Sleep

It amazing how absolutely screwed up you can feel when you don't get sleep. With a three month old it is to be expected that I am tired, but after a few months without a solid night, I am a bit testy. I wake up wanting it to be night again so we can try again for a better night. I am jealous of my daughter who goes to bed and sleeps about eleven hours and wakes up ready for fun. Then I come and squash her dreams with a tired and cranky attitude. I am reminded constantly that it gets better and I know eventually it will, but I want to wake up ready for fun too. I am tired of waking up ready for bed.