Monday, March 30, 2020


One week has passed since we have been socially distancing. For an extrovert like myself, I am finding this all so challenging. We have found some positive alternatives to spending time together. I have been using Zoom, Houseparty and FaceTime to see people. I have been talking to friends in my challenging through balconies and window screens. We have driven to our friends house and stood outside our car to chat with them from a safe distance. I am committed to my husband but I fantasize about hugging my friends. This is not natural for us as humans. I fear that this time, while it's bringing us all closer in some ways, it will likely have some damaging effects on the future of how we connect. So much is yet to be seen.

In the grand scheme of things, this is but a moment in time. Historically, every one hundred years or so, illness take hold of society like this. We are living this history together now. By making the sacrifice to not live our day to day lives the way we were, we are trying to save lives. Intellectually, I get that, but emotionally, I am still in shock from the speed at which are lives all changed. Just hearing about how long this will be going on overwhelms me. It is taking time for us to adjust to this new lifestyle and then when it all ends, it will once again take us time to adjust back.

When life gives me lemons, I usually run to make lemonade with my friends. I miss them more than ever now. Sure these calls and virtual visits are helpful, but I miss sitting across from my friends and just talking. I miss hiking with friends, I miss grabbing lunch with them and I miss hugs. My friend Orit and I have gone through a lot of monumental experiences together. We met in a small Kundalini yoga class, taught by a pretty odd guy. He preached a lot and went off on some strange rants. Orit and I started talking after class. We bonded on having come out of that class relatively as grounded as we were when we went in. When we met, she was married. I was single and living alone. We hiked often, and got to be close friends. When she got pregnant, she was my first friend to have a baby. Much of my income back then was made from babysitting. I did not feel grown up enough to have a baby myself, but I was inspired when Orit did.

By the time her son was a year old, I was dating David. Although we didn't plan on getting married right away, we talked often about how we both wanted children. When I saw him playing with her son at her house, I was excited about the possibility of having a child with him. Orit supported me through a few hurdles I faced between dating David and marrying him. I got pregnant when we were engaged and had planned on doing so much of the wedding myself. I got so sick during my pregnancies though. She helped me, by providing me with different remedies to try, she did the bouquets for my wedding and even picked up my veil at my house on my wedding day because I had forgotten to bring it down with me to the venue.

Having been such a tuned-in mother to her son, I often called Orit with parenting questions during those first few years. When David and I decided to have a second child, I was delighted to be pregnant at the same time with Orit. This time she was having another boy, but not hers. She was a surrogate for another couple. She was at our house with her son, the night she went into labor. Every year on that date I try to call her to say "Happy giving birthday." A few months later when I gave birth, Orit was there, as my friend, my doula and my photographer. In the long hours of labor, I hit a standstill in progress. The doctor implied it was time to think about a c-section, David asked me what I wanted to do and Orit in my other ear, came over and told me not to give up. A few hours later, when she sat down to take a break and have a sandwich, David had to run to go get her. I was ready to push and delivered a healthy baby boy of my own.

I was so grateful to share such a beautiful, meaningful, life experience with her. Being pregnant together deepened our already close friendship. She is a talented, creative photographer and artist. Most every photo of our family was taken by her. Much of her photography covers the walls of our home. My favorite wedding photo, was not taken by the photographer we hired, but rather taken by Orit on a toy camera that she brought with her. She snapped a photo of the two of us at the end of the night sitting together on a couch. It hangs in our dining room. Orit's son is now in high school and driving. He is a pretty incredible person, it's not surprising given who his parents are. Two loving creative, supportive people. The three of them make quite the triangle.

We do not live terribly far from one another in miles, but in LA traffic it may as well be a flight away. Last year, just for fun, I sent her a notebook with a letter in it. I invited her to write back whatever and whenever she wanted. A few months later the book was full, after being sent back and forth between us. We sent stories about our lives, recipes, drawings and pictures. I never thought of that way of communicating to replace us seeing each other, but for now it might have to do. So excited to see Orit in person when this is all over. Even if it takes going through LA traffic to get there, it will be worth it.

Saturday, March 21, 2020


During this time of isolation, I've looked back at blogs I wrote just a week ago. I was stunned by how quickly our lives all changed.

Movies, TV, and books are suddenly not as relatable, since the drama in them seems to pale in comparison to our reality right now. In moments where I forget this is all happening, the wake up call that it actually is, stings. It seems so hard to believe that it is actually as bad as it is. In order to keep my head from flying all over, I am constantly bringing myself back to gratitude. There is still so much that is wonderful. I am so happy to have this time with my family. I know there are and will be more moments, where I don't feel as excited about it, but I am right now. I always said how time passes so quickly with children and that I wish I could slow it down. Wish granted, with consequences indeed, but granted none the less.

What I am missing most already is the people I love. Simply upon hearing I couldn't see my friends, makes me want to be around them even more. Yes, technology is amazing, but not quite the same as real people. Before any of this began, there were friends I just saw too little of. Now, I am thinking about how when we all can again, I would like to see friends that I haven't seen in way too long. In the meantime, I am going to focus on some shout outs and stories of people I love. I have taken for granted that our friends are always going to around when we are ready and not that any of them are sick or dying, but I don't want to wait for anything more dramatic to happen to tell them how I feel.

Scot, for a long time, a long time ago, was someone I spoke to everyday. He and I were so close. We shared a passion for life, fun, and anxiety. Fortunately, we never freaked out at the same time, and were actually a strong support for one another. He and I met through another close friend, and we conncted right away. He was in a long term relationship, and I was dating way too many people. He was someone stable in my life when very little was stable. We would play tennis together, listen to music, watch movies, take hikes, draw, create music, go out to eat, and one of my favoites: we would ride our bikes down crazy hills screaming. We both had the ability to feel things so deeply. The lows were so low, but the highs were amazing.

As the years went by, we saw each other through some tough times. He was there for me when I broke up with the last boyfriend that I said I would ever date. After seventeen years he and his girlfriend got married, and when they spilt up shortly after, I would like to think I was a support to him. We have not seen each other in over five years, and as far as I am concerned that is unacceptable. He got married to an incredible woman, and they are so well matched. They have two beautiful daughters, who I haven't met yet, also unnaceptable. They now live in Nashville where they can focus on her job as a cardiologist/singer-songwriter, and his job as a singer/songwriter, producer, and parent tobtheir girls.

After that last brutal break up I had, when I swore off ever having to break up with someone again, I dedicated time to being with close friends and doing things I loved. I met Scot up the street from my apartment to play tennis at the court in the park. As we sent the ball back and forth, he told me he wanted to set me up with someone I already knew. It took a lot of convincing from him, and from myself to agree to go, but I did and I am so glad. He set me up with David and I am forever indebted to him for that. He also knew I would not go on a date without him, so we made it a double date. So many memories from Scot that make me smile. Even now, in the face of all this sadness, he makes me laugh. I think he is a brilliant artist and a wonderful person. Here is his latest work of art.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

The Tooth Fairy

My husband and I went out for dinner a few nights ago. It is rare for us to do this during the week, but my parents were visiting so we had them stay with the kids. When we returned both kids were fast asleep in their beds. I kissed their foreheads and went to bed. The next morning was a school day, so bright and early with the sun we all began to wake up to get ready. Before I could get out of bed, my son comes dashing up onto my lap. He begins to tell me that he lost his tooth before he went to bed. He didn't want us to know, or Grandma and Grandpa to know, because he wanted to see if the tooth fairy was actually real. My heart sank. How was I going to get out of this one? Time had run out to save face.

I began to plan in my mind, how I was going to get him to swear he would not tell a single friend at school that day. Could I convince him that the tooth fairy had overslept and would come again that night? Could he be convinced that the tooth fairy had a very busy night with too many teeth to collect in one night? As I came up short on saving the day, my sadness rushed in. As I looked up his face, I saw a smile. I was confused and unsure what to say next, but I didn't have to, because he was so excited. He explained that the tooth fairy was real and that she left a note, a bath bomb and five dollars. He was so thrilled to read me what she wrote. I could hardly believe it, my eleven year old daughter is actaully the real tooth fairy. Or as far as I am concerened, an angel.

Despite the arguing, bickering and whining between my kids, they truly love each other. They take care of eachother, and when one hurts, the other one feels that hurt. The other night, my daughter was upset and crying and I was trying to get my son to bed. As I laid next to him, he suggested I go to her and give her a hug. When I am walking and holding each of my children's hands I feel full. I feel like I have all the love in the world and I am so grateful. When I see my two children holding eachother's hands, my cup runs over, and I am complete. For that moment anyway. It usually doesn't last long, but it is magical when it does. Realizing that my daughter cared enough to give her own money to her brother, so that he wasn't let down by the tooth fairy, I felt proud. I felt happy and relieved too, but I love how they love each other.

When there was a moment that morning that I could thank her, without her brother noticing, I did. I hugged her and told her how grateful I was for what she did. She smiled, and then quickly responsed with "You owe me five dollars." Fair is fair, and I will pay her back. I owe her a lot more than that though.