Wednesday, June 29, 2011

She Made It!

Yesterday was a big day for all of us yesterday. I had my procedure, and Pinball had her first day of school (or camp I guess). My procedure is done and as hard as this whole miscarrige thing is to go through, my focus is shifting back to my daughter now. This is her last week of being two and she is very excited to be doing three year old stuff. I packed her a lunch, an extra set of clothes, sunscreen, and we marched out the door. On our way her little friend and her mother were in the car behind us and we set off on her first independant adventure.

We chatted on the way about what she was excited about and what she was nervous about. She said she was excited to be with her little friend, but nervous about me dropping her off. My husband and I were worried abut the goodbye for a few reasons. One is I had to get to my appointment and didn't need the extra anxiety of her needing me; secondly, my husband and I both experienced such terrible seperation anxiety surrounding the first days of school or camp, that we hoped it didn't pass on to her. She kept telling me to stay a long time, and not to leave.

When we all got there she was holding hands with her friend and both of them lugged bags almost as big as them. They giggled and were ready. When the doors opened we were the first there and the girls had such a good time exploring all the new toys. Then it came time for the big goodbye and as expected her little friend did so easily and Pinball asked me to stay, wrapped both arms around me and her bottom lip began to shake followed by a big cry. The lovely Mary Poppins-like teacher swept her up in her arm. I then kissed her and said I will be back soon. My friend and I walked out and stood outside to listen. Less then a minute later she was fine.

My husband went to get her and she was covered in paint and exhausted. She did it though, she made it through and had fun too. We are all so proud, especially her.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Summer Camp Seperation

My Twig starts camp next week. This is the first time she will be going off for a few hours without us near by. Come September she will start preschool so this is her introduction into the "real world" so to speak. She is going to camp with her best friend and I think that will ease her transition a bit. Her friend is two months younger, and so very independent. When we went to see the school her little friend jumped right in without checking once to see where her mom was, while Twig clung to my hand tightly and hid behind my leg. When the teacher asked her little friend how she was she replied "fine", while Twig looked like a dear in headlights and said nothing.
The other night I put her to bed and told her that Grandma was going to stay with her while we went out for a little bit. She panicked, and gave my mom what for. She barely was asleep by the time we got back at ten p.m. My husband and I both discussed how we feared for next week when she starts camp next week. She is a very dependent little one, and very attached. This will be a challenge for her. I am hopeful that like the swimming lessons, each day gets a little easier and that soon she asks to go.

I got an email reminder of what to pack for her for the day, and what time to be there. This is a change for all of us. Especially having to be out the door by 8:30 with a packed lunch in hand. I am already thinking of what to make her for lunch. We have been talking about it, and even practicing saying goodbye and hello again when I get her. Hopefully, it will go as rehearsed.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Wake Up

I had two strange dreams in a row the last few days. I think partly, they are the result of watching tv before bed. I saw a story about a homeless Miss America contestant (who much to my chagrin, did not win) and she was staying in a house owned by another family. I also think my dreams could be because I know my husband is leaving his job soon, and although he is in talks with another company nothing is put in writing yet. So my subconcious mind is wondering, I suppose.

My first dream is that my daughter and I went to live with a transvestite in a small New York City apartment. He made us very comfortable, but he only made conversation with my husband. This made me upset, and when I tried to tell my husband about it, I couldn't because the transvestite was always around when I tried. We had to make the situation work because we needed to be in NY for a job, but it was a strange unsettling dream.

The next one involved more people I knew. I had a dream we went to live in a big beautiful modern house owned by this cigar smoking, full-of-himself rich guy. He was funny, but only to a point. We lived in the house with two of my close friends and their families as well. We shared whatever we had and everyone around seemed really happy with the situation. I tried to go with the flow and make it work, but it just didn't feel right. People kept finishing food I bought, and there wasn't a private enough place to sleep. I tried to look at my friends and emmulate their good attitudes but decided I needed to be true to myself. When I went to tell my husband, we really needed our own place to live, he started talking before me saying how happy he was there.

Both dreams I woke up so happy in the morning to find that we lived in LA and in our own house. I'm not sure exactly what either one meant but I do think we will all rest easier when we know what job my husband will be taking next.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Frustration List:

Anthony Weiner taking so long to step down (finally, he did...).
When people say things like "brain fart," "my bad," or "panties in a wad."
Standing in line, when people get impatient and try to "talk" you into their frustration with them.
When people ask women if they are pregnant when they aren't.
Solicitors outside super markets.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
When parents don't wipe their kids noses.
When parents have a bully kid, and aren't near him when they are bullying (which is probably why the kid is such a problem in the first place).
Casey Anthony.
When toy stores carry toy guns.
The smell of 7-11 and 99 Cent stores.
When people talk too loudly on their cell phones.
When someone says they will call you right back, and then they forget.
Gloomy weather one day too long.
Feeling sick.
People who yell outside of your windows.

Okay, I am done now. I feel better.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Grandma and Grandpa

My parents are jet-setters. They don't stay in the same country for more than six months at a time, but when they come to visit they stay a few weeks. In those few weeks, Twig gets so much love and attention, you would almost think I had been neglegting her before they came. It's such a nice thing for all of us when they are here since Twiggy and grandma and grandpa can't get enough of each other (and my husband I have extra help when we need).

Today, I took advantage of them and went to an appointment for an hour. When I came home, my dad was upstairs with my daughter and they were laughing loudly. My mom was sitting smiling on the couch. She told me they were playing a game and we both gleamed as we listened to the very high and very low pitched laughing.

My parents don't stay with us when they come. If they did I would probably be writing about a different type of visit and it might not come out so chipper. When we wake in the morning, Twig's first question is, "Where gamma and gammpa are?" Then, it's when will we see them, and can I show them to my friends. They grow so attached in the few weeks together, that I don't look forward to the goodbye day.

Fortunately, we will see them again in August, but in between visits I am going to become interesting to her again somehow.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My Friends

This week a friend of mine was in a rough patch, and it reminded of me of when I went through a similar time last year, and she helped me. I can't imagine what going through a dark time would be like without my friends. They are everything to me and I am so lucky to have them. We all help each other out as much as possible, and now that we all have or are about to have children, I can see how we have all become each others' "village."

Yesterday, I had two of my best friends' kids here, while they had appointments (one for her hair and the other for mental sanity). My house was lively, to say the least, with two almost three year olds, and one eight month old. It went suprisingly smoothly, and when my friends came back at the same time it was one big friend fest. Living here in Los Angles, you meet only a handful of people actually from here. Most of my friends, have family plane-rides away, so we have become each others family. I am very close to my sister, but she lives in Israel, so when I need a helpful hand she isn't going to run over. I can call anyone of my friends here and without judgment they would help me, and I would do the same for them.

At times my husband and I discuss if this is where we want to stay. If raising children here is best for us, or would somewhere else fit for us better. I know I don't want to go back to living in New York, but someplace with a sidewalk appeals to me. I just can't ever imagine leaving the friends I have now. They are my home. It took years to develop the relationships I have now, and not a day goes by, that I don't appreciate how lucky we all are to have each other.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Rest Of The World

I am one of the lucky women who have very sensitive reactions to hormonal changes. I mean this completely sarcastically since I envy people who go through major changes as women and seem to glide in and out of these transitions relatively unscathed. I got horrible morning sickness from the hormones, then felt postpartum depression symptoms when I began to change nursing habits with my baby, and then again felt a horrible shift when I weaned from nursing completely.

I felt so fortunate to have family, friends, and a great doctor to get me through what felt like an impossible dark time. I was talking with a friend, who also suffered from PPD and how we both fear having second babies if this might happen again. Ultimately, I feel as well prepared as I can possibly be now, and know I have the tools to survive.

I just wonder about the countries where there is no awareness on this. No birth control is used in many third world countries. There are many reported cases of PPD in the developed world but there is thought to be more than double in areas of the world affected by poverty. If a woman cannot get help, she and the baby suffer from malnutrition. There are certain countries where woman get PPD because they have girls where only boy babies are the desired gender. There are several studies done that show women in Ethiopia, India, Japan, Pakistan experience PPD, to name a few. There is finally help for some through Doula-like women who help support affected women. In certain countries there is a supportive time for women before they come out as mothers. Either way, I am glad to see some reports of research done for third world countries. I just hope it continues so that people can get help when they need, without judgment attached. This country still has far to go when it comes to a stigma attached to mental illness, so it would be safe to assume that stigma is probably worse in under-developed areas.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Mom Blogger

I just found out my ex-boyfriend recently won a contest on Circle Of Moms for the best parenting blog. There are all sort of reactions going on in my head right now. First, how old am I really, now that everyone is, or is becoming a parent around me? I know the answer, no need to comment on that. Second, although he is older than me and has been a parent for a lot longer, I suddenly feel competitive. Third, he has written like five children's books since we were together. He is a single father of three boys. I feel so behind.

In truth, I am very impressed and proud of him. He deserves all of the acclaim. He works hard and is doing what he loves. He has gone through a lot to get to this point. After losing his wife in a tragic accident just shortly after they had twin boys, he was left to raise all three boys on his own. While trying to juggle his own loss, and caring for his children, he was given time off as an attorney and he made the decision to be more involved with his kids and not return to work as an a lawyer.

With the recent loss of my brother-in-law, I have thought of my sister raising her two boys alone now. She and this ex were friends as well, and she is a lawyer and her company has been very good to her in giving her time off as well. I don't think leaving the job is an option for her, but I hope his passion inspires her to do things she loves as well.

His blog is I haven't talked to him much in the last few years but I can see from here, things are going well. If I decide to enter a mom blog contest, I will ask him for advice.