On these last days of my daughter's 19th month on this planet, I am spending a lot of time looking at her in awe. My life has been entirely about being her mother. I hired a babysitter for the first time last week and it was wild to have time to be me for a little bit.
I haven't forgotten who I am, but more how I used to do things. My mind never really stops thinking about her now. It's hard to feel carefree knowing you are responsible for another life. That being said, I had a huge smile on my face last week coming home after some time alone.
Change was never easy for me and now before my very eyes it is happening. Twenty months came so quickly and it feels really hard to hold on to right now. Each day she says something new, does something amazing, and moves me in ways I never realized before.
Twenty months feels like a milestone. Close to two and closer to kid and not baby. It occured to me the other day that when I thought of having a baby, I thought just that. I didn't think beyond the baby part so much. I'm trying to pace myself though and remind myself that 20 months is still so new. She is only twenty months and I am only twenty months a mom. We will learn together how it all works.