Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A New Year

A few of my friends have had a pretty bad 2014. Some for lack of income and some for lack of luck, either way they wanted to do everything to insure that 2015 was going to be abundant, or at the very least a lot better than last year. One of these friend's is an atheist and the other is pretty spiritual. So while one sets her intentions and hopes for the year the other one is pretty sure it can't be as bad as last year and so it's inevitable it will be better.

In the past I would have leaned more towards the spiritual side and "put it out there" that I want to see certain changes come to fruition. I would have wrote a list, maybe burned an orange candle, I would have visualized myself in the place I would want to be in the future. I haven't entirely stopped believing in positive thinking, I just feel less positive of what to visualize these days.

I keep a daily list of five things I am grateful for everyday. I write these things right before I go to bed. Sometimes the list is longer than five and sometimes I count to four and can only come up with "I am so happy I am in bed now" as number five.  Perhaps it's a combination if being aware of how abundant I really am, in conjunction with how busy that keeps me from pining after a different life. Sure there are some things I would like to tweak, but my present day complaints are so fleeting because they are related to my ever changing children. That fact alone makes me realize how precious the here and now actually is.

If I had to quickly answer what I want for myself these days, it would be more sleep, more time to work out and a few creative successes -- a year to make me feel like I have some semblance of a career.  It doesn't take me long though to realize that two out of those three will come so fast. I am in the thick of toddlerhood with my little boy. He is on the verge of not being so dependent on me. With each day I see the struggle that he and I both have with these big changes. There is also my six year old who comes home form school everyday a bit more mature. She lost her front tooth a few weeks ago and now when I see pictures of her smile pre toothless gap, I get a pang of sentimental sap for my little girl that is growing up so fast.  A time will come that I will pine for the mess, and the noise they are making and the time they are taking from me.

So instead of a list this year, or an image of myself balancing a job and two kids, I want to practice more acceptance of what is than what isn't. There is a lot on my plate, and I have never been amazing at multi tasking. So I know what it is I do well and right now that is being full time entertainer, chef, nurse, sleepwalker, room parent, present wrapping, chauffer, servant extraordinaire. I still have someone who wants me to hold him all the time, so before I wish for more free time on my hands to do other things I need to hold him a bit tighter, a bit longer, and bit more whole hearted. For my little girl just went back to school after two weeks off and I almost cried. We had such a great winter break, filling the time with a mixture of fun activities and staying in our pjs later than usual. I loved having her around that it was hard to say goodbye that first Monday back. I have my work cut out for me with these two, but I can see that these are the good old days happening right now, so that alone makes it a very happy new year!

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