Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Tired And Well Rested

 Although many of us are getting more than enough sleep these days, we wake up groggy, heavy-hearted, and resistant to start yet another day if it is going to be exactly like the last. A neighbor friend of mine said that every day feels like a Monday. I still celebrate Fridays each week because it means the end of another week of online school, but I get what he is saying. I'm tired of all of this. Bone tired. Schools are all still virtual, work is slow, and when it does happen, it is all from home. We are on top of each other and most days, I get to noon and have no idea what I did with myself since I woke up. I run from computer to computer checking Wi-Fi, splitting screens, muting, unmuting, then getting yelled at by my kids for being seen on camera. I feel like I am running a control center except I don't get paid, and no one is ever happy with my work. 

I read that life will likely not go back to normal for at least another year. I heard that kids might be out of school for this year and next. I truly cannot process more than one day at a time right now. I can not accept the idea of doing this a whole year, let alone two. My friends who live in other states and other countries seem to have some elements of their old lives back and have called me to ask me if I am okay. They hear about California and know we aren't in school, there are fires, and can we even go outside. The answer is I am okay. Okay is fine and fine is enough these days. I feel like I am holding my breath, and holding out hope for November. So many crimes are committed by men in power and none of them seem to be held accountable for their actions. These people are supposed to be leading an example and they do the opposite and get away with it all. How am I supposed to teach my children to respect the law when the enforcers are seemingly breaking it every day?

These days there is a lot of heaviness to face each morning, all while trying to put on a good front for our children. I hesitate to ask anyone, "How are you?" these days, without adding a "Holding up?" at the end of it. At least in my community, we feel pulled apart and broken these days. On the two occasions when we were able to go to my son's school to pick up supplies or have his school photo taken, we were distanced but still social with our community and it felt invigorating. It added spice to our usually bland day. We do the best we can to get outside (when it is safe) to exercise and to see friends. I try to see my own friends whenever possible. We spend a lot of time at the beach because I forget how bizarre life is when I am there. I feel alive, and I love being in the water. I will continue to focus on our health, our friends, and all of the wonderful things that we can do despite the restrictions. I think our children will look back at this time and remember more of the good than the bad. I believe in time I might as well, but I just wish I could feel a tiny sense of my old normal. For now, I will have to settle for the oddly peaceful dreams I have at night. Viruses, politics, and racism don't make many appearances in my mind in the middle of the night. Maybe that is why it is hard to wake up in the morning.

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