If I Had More Time

These are things I would likely do:

Study a foreign language

Travel to the country where they speak the language I studied

Write more

Take an improv class

Take an acting class

Go to therapy

Meditate, and then maybe I wouldn't need therapy

Go shopping by myself

Get acupuncture

Get a pedicure

Get my haircut

Work part time

Finish that children's book I have been working on forever

Start cooking dinner earlier each night

Find more dinner recipes to cook each night

When I read the news online, I would actually click the "more" button more often

Work out longer

Bake even more than I do

Organize my kitchen better

Clean out the junk drawer. It's bothering me.

Go through my daughters room and clear it of junk when she is at school.

Take the faded paper ball off the tree outside this window. It was from a party 5 months ago.

Facetime my family more.

Spend one on one time with each of my kids.

Spend one on one time with my husband.

See a movie

See my friends.

Read a whole book

Learn to knit

Practice better posture

Practice yoga more.

Practice patience more

If I had more time I would have finished this post 3 weeks ago when I started it!

Mini Golf

Winter break from my daughter's school was three whole weeks! We had some little trips planned here and there as well our close friends visiting from London. I had planned a lot of fun activities and with Christmas and New Years and a few sick days, the time seem to move right a long. Last week our friends had gone back home, my husband returned to work and it seemed that the city had begun to return back to reality except for the public schools.

While a lot of my friends complained about what they would do with their kids, I relished the last few days of getting to hang with Twig during a regular weekday. We went to the zoo, travel town, the merry go round, ice skating, trapeze, the movies, met friends, went to the park and she even got to do two mornings at a gymnastics camp. When there were a few hours here and there with nothing planned we ran errands together. While her brother napped she would grab some books, cuddle up and we would read and nap. It was a real vacation. A real vacation -with children.

There were a few times I felt suffocated by two small children never letting me take a shower on my own or walk in to another room. The moments in the car when they were both whining or crying about something were not easy. What started as a musical theater dream come true of singing "Frozen" duets together, became a daily soundtrack way over played. Attempts were made her to push my limit a few too many times, and last Monday the day she turned 5 1/2. I had to reset my line in the sand and put my foot down on whining. These times were outnumbered by the good times and last Friday, the last free weekday off, I wanted to squeeze inane more fun activity.

With the exception of a trip to the movie theater, everything we did was with my toddler in tow. This last day wasn't any different. I had no plan when I spotted the mini golf and arcade. I knew 5 was pushing it for a game of mini golf, but certainly my one year old could do some damage. I knew there was an arcade too so I pulled in explaining we could play a few games but not golf today. As we watched past the course, both kids stop to stare at the fountains and figures that surrounded them. As I pointed out the different holes, I suddenly had a very clear memory of the only time I had ever been there before.

Before meeting my husband, I was a serial dater. At first it was fun but at a certain point I decided I was actually looking for a future with someone. I had met people I had chemistry with but they had no long term potential. Or I met people with everything right on paper but no chemistry. Then I met this guy who seemed to have both. We spent all night talking the night we met. Chemistry was not in question, and we began to date. It wasn't that many dates in that we found ourselves at this mini golf course. It was his idea to go and I was impressed by the fun idea. It was spring, in the valley, and it was hot out. Neither of us lived in the valley and so I think the heat was strong for us. As we stood waiting for our turn behind a few kids finishing their puts, he turned to me and said "These are the two things I hate the most right here: the valley, and children." I laughed, but then very quickly realized he wasn't joking.

It was a difficult statement for me to swallow that day. I was very proud of myself for ending the date right then and explaining that we have a core difference between us. I have no problem being a valley hater ( although, I have come to like a lot about it lately) but hating children felt like such a punch in the gut. I was insulted and felt like anyone who could use such a strong word and feel so adamant against young people wasn't someone I wanted to associate with. He pleaded his case and I sat listening on the longest drive back from the valley ever. Ten or so years later I am standing staring at the very spot this comment was made with my two very loved children. It was a much better trip to the valley and no matter how cranky my kids get a drive home with them will always be more welcomed than without them.

New York!

Last week we went back to New York for Thanksgiving to be with my parents. Although I have taken both of them back to the city before, this was the first time we really stayed more than a few days. We usually go in the summer and quickly head to the Berkshires to get out of NY where it is so hot. We stayed put this time, especially since it was the complete opposite of hot. It was the coldest wind my kids have ever felt. It was actually quite fun and a refreshing change, as long as you didn't have to stay outside for too long.

I had some activities planned for us, and I was excited because a few of them were things I loved as a kid. What I didn't plan was how sentimental it would feel to be doing all these nostalgic visits with Twig. We went to visit my best childhood friend for Thanksgiving. Our parents are close so we decided to share the holiday with them. Hand and hand, my little girl and I walked from our house down to my friend's house as I had done countless times as a child. When we arrived at the house I had that familiar feeling I did when I entered each time before. Not much has changed there, and as always we entered through the back door. A few things had been rearranged but the only big obvious change was that we had all multiplied. There were our two husbands, and then each of us now have two children. Our older girls are around the same age and our youngest are only a few months apart as well. It all felt so comfortable. The kids had a great time, and I felt this New York part of me that often, feels under nourished in Los Angeles, click right into place back at home, this time with my kids in tow.

The other adventure I went on with my very appreciative 5 year old was to see "Annie" on Broadway." It was something I wanted to do with her since her birthday, and we weren't able to get tickets over the summer. This time we planned well in advance and got two great orchestra seats. She was so disappointed over the summer  that we couldn't go that I kept this one a secret until it actually happened. She is so in love with the music, the movie, and even a bad local production, that she sat still for the entire two hours, that I knew she would appreciate a real deal show.

As a child this was my favorite musical, and I went to many. I remember the Broadway show very well. The show was such a big part of growing up for me. I performed "Tomorrow" for 300 senior citizens when I was barely 4. I think I did the show at least 3 times, and remember all the lyrics to this day. It was emotional to hear her belting out the songs the first time, but taking her to the show I knew would step it up a notch. I took her in from our house in Queens on the subway to Times Square. The train stop practically ended right under the theater, so when we walked up the steps it was the first thing she saw. She asked if we were going and I said "Surprise!"

She sat through it all on the edge of the plastic booster they provided. There was only one point during the Hooverville song where she asked if I could fast forward it. I explained it was live theater, and she seemed engrossed enough that she didn't mind. At intermission she asked if it was the end of the movie. Again I explained the live theater part, she then expressed her excitement that it wasn't over. At one point as I watched her watch the show, I thought to myself, "She loves this, and I am glad that she is happy in the audience, unlike me who felt an overwhelming need to be in the show." I kid you not, two seconds later she turns to me and says, "Mommy, I want to be in the show, can I please?" So it begins!

At the end during the bows, I explained to her that we clap as a "thank you" to the actors who worked hard to give us a show. She clapped for every cast member and as "Annie" came out, I explained that if you really love what someone did you can give a standing ovation. I have never seen a little kid jump to her feet so quickly. She clapped with so much enthusiasm that I teared up watching her. It was a very happy night!

Let Them Eat Cake!

If you come into my house on any given afternoon, you might enter to the smell of muffins in the oven. The muffins will then go to the cooling rack before piling in a jar, before being distributed between snack plates, lunch bags, and out to friends. Today muffins, but tomorrow could be cupcakes or cookies. One might ask how I manage to find the time to bake while running after two small children, and the answer is this: it's a necessity.

This year I have had the pleasure of becoming new friends with another mom at Twig's school who shares the same hobby (the nice way of saying healthy addiction.) Together we have discovered why we love to bake. It allows us to have control over something creative in our lives. In the daily mix of early morning wake ups, school drop off and pick-ups, after school activities and little time left for me, I feel like this is an area where I can decide how I want something to look and what I want it to taste like and most times if I get the chemistry of it down the outcome is foolproof.

I recently heard someone say that outcomes are so important for adults but that small children (I am assuming under the age of 3 because my 5 your old wouldn't stand for unfinished business) don't need to complete things to feel they have accomplished a task. Well, I stand with my five year old on this. It bothers me when I can't check enough of my list off. I like the "end of an errand" feeling. When most days I don't dictate how much I get done, I know that at least what I do get done will taste pleasing, even to the most unappreciative group of young-ins.

After I finished writing this, I took a batch of muffins out of the oven. The only people eating them today will be me, along with my words. They were as bland as could be. I couldn't figure it out until I saw on the counter the measuring cup still filled with sugar. Perhaps, a little more focus would be handy when baking. Always room for improvement!

Gratitude

With Thanksgiving coming up there is so much focus on being thankful. I feel like gratitude is the single most important gift I can give my children. Taking inventory every day is something I do before I go to bed each night when I write at least five things I am grateful for, even if one of those things is "I'm going to sleep now." Every day at dinner time we say what we are thankful for and the list usually includes our families, friends, school, and some random statements like "this dinner, or gymnastics". Whenever  I think that I might be slighting my children by not giving them much in the way of religion, I think about gratitude. In a way I feel like that simple pause to think about people and things that we have in our lives is something that will serve them well on a personal and spiritual level.

My daughter comes home with drawings from school of Pilgrims and Native Americans. She learns poems about fat turkeys and has art projects with feathers. She learned the Pledge of Allegiance, and before Veteran's Day she came home with an American Flag that she painted with a poem about American pride. I also remember a lot of these things from school growing up, but I don't know how much of it I agree with, or how much I actually absorbed. I thought maybe my child wasn't getting enough of the gratitude at school and then yesterday I saw some of the work she brought home and changed my tune. She is getting a perfect balance of the political stuff (which she can question when she gets old enough). mixed with the good moral rich, sensitive, critical thinking stuff that will prepare her well for the real world.

Just as I was in the middle of writing this, she came home from school with a worksheet that has pictures of kids posing as Pilgrims back in the day. Each picture has a comment under it stating what the child is grateful for and then a question. "I am grateful for my family" followed by, "Are you grateful for your family?", then the option of "yes" or "no." I looked for the statement about being grateful we stole this country from the poor Native Americans, but I didn't see it. I'm glad they left that out since that can not be answered quite so easily.

Dorothy

As I went to put my daughters clothes away while she was at school yesterday, I noticed her pet fish lying upside-down among the plastic gems that decorate the bowl. We had an idea this was coming as I had found him (Dorothy was a Beta so he is a boy) a few times in funny positions down near the gems. I had called the pet store and they said he was getting old. They congratulated us for keeping him alive as long as we did because we had him almost a year and a half. I informed Twig that Dorothy was sick and that it was a possibility that she might die soon. That was a few weeks ago, and it seemed everytime Dorothy floated funny Twig would tap the bowl and Dorothy would swim around again. When I went in yesterday it was clear her swimming was over.

We got this fish for her for sleeping through the night without calling out. She earned her because she wanted company in her room. Dorothy was the first pet we ever had here as a family. Every Sunday Twig and I cleaned out her bowl. I would carefully move the fish to a cup and then empty the bowl then She would scrub the bowl. I would fill it, she would add the solution and the gems and then I would put the fish back in. This was her first introduction to responsibility and chores. Every morning it was her job to feed Dorothy and most days she didn't need any reminders.

Yesterday when I found Dorothy, I thought to get rid of her right away. It was a strange feeling being around death. Even in such a tiny creature, something felt odd about the spirit of it gone yet its body was lying limp in front of me. I quickly realized that it wasn't my fish to get rid of, and that my daughter needs to process this loss. It reminded me of when I never came home from England to go to my Grandmothers funeral and to this day I don't think I fully accepted she was gone. This was a very obvious remedy to that. Keep her in the bowl until after school.

As I left the house to get her at dismissal, I felt a wave of nerves through my stomach. I began rehearsing in my head how I would let her know. I let her play with her friends and dilly dally a bit before we walked home. When we got close to our door, I told her we needed to talk. She thought she had done something wrong and asked if it was good or bad. I said it wasn't good but it wasn't anything she did. I told her Dorothy died today and that I left her in her bowl if she wanted to see her. We walked in together and I watched her stand with her face close up to the bowl. She tapped it once, twice, waited, and then jiggled the bowl a bit. She did this a few times, and then I realized she wasn't convinced Dorothy wasn't going to swim. She repeated this as my eyes began to well. When she realized the fish was still she sobbed, her hand still on the bowl she had trouble catching her breath. I took her in my arms and my tears fell down my cheeks as hers fell down my chest. I held her and fought every urge to try to say anything to her. I though about telling her how lucky we were to have her this long or that we could get a new fish. Instead of trying to help her feel better I decided to just help her just "feel."

She did take this much harder than I expected but she really did process the loss. She went through her steps of grief and asked if we could keep her in a cup so she could still see her from time to time. I told her we couldn't but instead we drew a picture and wrote Dorothy a love note. I gave her a choice to bury Dorothy or send her to meet her family in the ocean by flushing down the toilet. We said goodbye to him and transferred him from one bowl to another. Before I flushed I asked to take a good look so she could always remember what he looked like. I reminded her that even though he is gone he will never disappear in your mind or heart.

Time does heal, and for children perhaps much less time is needed. She asked for a lizard this morning.

A Peek Into The Future

This week Twig had a dentist appointment. It was the first one since she turned 5, so they took some X-rays. She was brave and patient while they took the pictures. I stood behind and when I came back in, the X-rays of her teeth were displayed on a giant monitor. I couldn't believe my eyes. Right above her teeth were her adult teeth hovering, waiting for their time to come down.

I stood staring. They were right there and I began to imagine what her face would look like with them. It was mostly exciting but also a little sad to realize that her beautiful little teeth will all fall out. Yet another reminder of how fleeting this time is. This face of hers will not stay like this very long, and that the next phase is just around the corner.

There are some phases that I will gladly welcome the end of, but so many are so sweet, and yet so temporary. I took my boy to the grocery store the other day and a woman cooed over him and then said, "Enjoy him now because you will lose him to a woman one day." I had never thought of it like that. I certainly don't think my mother-in law thinks she lost her son to me. She went on to say that boys you have to let go of, but girls you can have forever. I don't know if this woman was in her right mind, but some of this kind of resonated with me. I am pretty sure my mom is closer with the grandchildren she has from my sister and me, than my brother's son. It not intentional but it just sort of works that way. I think about the nights that I get to sleep beside my little girl. We cuddle, snuggle, tell stories and giggle. I can see doing this for years to come. Not so with my boy.

This year has been full of big firsts for all of us in this family. New school, new friends, new home, new job, new teeth. I continue to remain as present as possible, but that sneak peak ahead was wild. I hope those new set of teeth grow into the same sweet heart of a girl I have, and that we get to be one of those few mother daughter teams that have a friendship that lasts a lifetime.

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