Personal Day

Things have been busy lately. Between my kids schedules, new puppy and my husband being out of town for work, I have felt spread a bit thin. My husband finally came back this past week, but got stomach flu and was sick on the whole flight home. We set up a room to quarantine him at home and did our best to stay away. I began fantasizing about what a day or two alone would feel like. A vacation would do me good. One night at a hotel to read my book uninterrupted sounded lovely. I am pretty sure, before I could imagine how I would swing a solo day, I was interrupted by one of my children asking me for yet another snack. I let the idea go for the time being.

After a weekend of running around to birthday parties, tennis practice and puppy training. I was happy to sit and have dinner with friends one night. It was fun to catch up and I of course stayed too late. I started Sunday tired and decided to lay low. My husband was feeling well enough to come out with us for a bit so we got outside to enjoy the beautiful weather. For the first time in a few weeks I felt a sense of relaxation and normalcy.  It was welcomed.

We went back home to get ready for the week. We have been trying to have dinner early enough on Sundays that we can also have a bit of a weekly game night. Even if we only end up playing a few rounds of a card game, it would be fun to start that tradition. Of course, a new toy as well as a food coloring experiment were to blame for not giving us enough time for a game. My husband and kids settled for a quick wrestling match before settling down to read. It was about that time that I felt chills and needed to lie down.

My husband, who fortunately is in town and available more this week, is feeling well enough to be available for the kids. He made sure they got to bed, fed them breakfast this morning and got them to school. I now have the stomach flu. It is horrible, gross and exhausting. I am not in a hotel, and this is no vacation, but everyone is leaving me alone. My book is next to me and I plan to read some when I can lift my head again. Not quite what I was picturing, but at least it is quiet.

What Others Think

My sister in law does a mean impersonation of a monkey. It's loud, funny and is incredibly authentic. When my daughter was two or three, she was so entertained by it. Eventually she was imitating her Aunt and making some impressive monkey sounds herself. One night we were leaving a restaurant and our daughter started making her monkey sounds. We had her do it again so we could video to send to her Aunt. She did it once and then we asked her to do one more. She started and mid-monkey — she stopped, looked around and said "I don't want to do it again, because then the people on the street will say 'why is that little girl making monkey sounds.’ That was the first time we recognized her awareness to what others think of her.

When I was little, my mother, a pianist, had me do recitals with her. I had a pretty big voice for a little kid and I loved singing. We performed once for my grandmother's senior center and someone made me a gown to wear. I walked out onto the stage, my mother played the first few notes and I began to sing. As soon as I did, the audience began to laugh. I was only three, but I knew then that I did not like that they were laughing at me. My mother later explained that they laughed because I was so little, and that they were laughing because they were happy. I felt like unless I was making a joke, it didn't feel good to be laughed at.

We all want our children to be those confident kids who don't care what anyone thinks of them, but most kids really do care how others perceive them. I think my two kids care a bit more than they should sometimes. There are times that their concern with how they look or what their will friends say matters too much and can get in the way of them getting out the door in the morning. If something doesn't look or feel just right to my son, he gets really upset. He is more opinionated on fashion than I think a seven year old should be. Both kids are very particular about their clothes and shoes. It can feel impossible at times to find them clothes they will actually like and wear. Suddenly, I have a new found respect for schools with a uniform policy in place. If only I could buy my kids two outfits, and those were their only choices each day.

The seemingly impossible notion of balance keeps popping up. I am honestly not sure that balance is attainable, but I keep trying for it anyway. My goal as a parent is to acknowledge my kid's feelings when insecurities show up, while encouraging them to be who they are and own their choices. This has not yet been fully successful and my kids see through my plans most of the time, but never the less she persisted. I don't give up that easily. If I can get my daughter through her teens years with even a trace amount of self esteem left, we will have accomplished something major. I am hoping for more than just an ounce of confidence, but it's a jungle out there.

Wait For It...

Patience is not a skill that I have mastered. I have improved greatly since living in New York, but I still struggle to let things happen naturally. I hear "be the squeaky wheel" in my head and I can't help but react. It is not easy to know when to sit back, and when to take action. I am learning though where energy is wasted, and where it is helpful. I get irritated when I am standing in a long line at the grocery store, or when food takes a while at a restaurant. I get antsy sitting in traffic, or watching the spinning wheel on a computer screen. I know though that these situations are out of my control. The time is not going to magically reappear so acceptance is my best option.

Being patient is having the ability to remain calm when there is disruption, a disappointment, or distress. When patience is mastered it has a positive side. I've read that the more patient a person is the more sensitive and empathetic they are to those around them. That part makes total sense to me. If I am waiting behind someone who can't find their wallet and needs a few minutes to regroup, I can throw my hands up in irritation, or I can observe the situation and understand that the person in front of me is having a hard time. It could easily be me on a different day, so understanding that helps me take a deep breath and maybe even smile to show that person a little compassion.

Aside from the day-to-day minor irritations, patience is required when in conflict with others. When I am upset or arguing with someone, I still need to hear what they have to say. It can be challenging to resist the temptation to interrupt or to even walk out of the room. At some point or another, lack of patience when upset has occurred for all of us. A few years ago after snapping one too many times at my son, I researched keeping calm in trying times of parenting. I landed on some article that explained that when your child is upset, getting upset with them sends them into a whole other level of upset. To some degree, I agree with that. If my son is sad because someone was a jerk to him, I'll be responding with patience and understanding. If a child was a jerk to my son and then my son is a jerk back, I am going to get upset. This article was saying keep your cool no matter what. I didn't last very long following those instructions. When my buttons get pushed my patience runs thinner.

Of all the times that require patience in life, the most challenging for me is during life's hardships. During major changes, being in the middle of a project that I am struggling with, losing a loved one, are just some examples of when I feel most impatient. Sitting in an uncomfortable moment in time can make me impatient. I am learning, ever so slowly, that it is okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. My tendency is to want to get through the hard parts fast. I like to figure out the quickest way out of discomfort and the reality is sometimes life is sad, frustrating and unclear. My daughter was so unhappy the first few weeks of middle school with not knowing her way around. At some point we all get lost, and that is the way to learn your way back.

I am a little lost these days. Our family has had a few hardships and it is not the easiest time. We are getting through it together, but it may take us all longer than we want it to to feel a sense of normal. I am feeling more patient with myself than I have ever felt before. I see that it is possible to learn skills to be more patient and I am applying them whenever possible. I am also ok losing my patience once in a while. As long as I can find it again.

This Phase

A little over a year ago when my mother in law passed a way, I was in New York with the kids and my husband called to let me know. No matter how aware we were that this was coming, we were still unprepared for the actual moment we learned she was really gone. My kids were being entertained by cousins in another room, so I sat down to take in the news. As my husband and I cried we felt a depth of pain we had never felt before. I told him that I can't believe that we have to go through this three more times. This is the way life is supposed to go and if we are lucky our parents live a long life and then we have to say goodbye. It doesn't ease the pain though. Loss hurts!

Together with his sisters, my husband is about to go through this pain again. My father in law has Parkinson's and when his wife died he began to rapidly decline. Over the last year there have many close calls, where my husband would get in the car and drive down to San Diego thinking it would be his last chance to spend time with his dad. He has been able to be with him week after week for a few days each time. Some visits he has been lucid and talkative. Other visits he hasn't done much more than sleep. The last few weeks though, it has become obvious that the end is near. Once again, my husband and his sisters surround the bed of their dying parent. I am not positive this time they will all be together for his final breath the way they were when their mom passed, but they have been able to be together for so much of this and that is a gift.

Each drive back to LA from San Diego is like a wave breaking at the shore -- it pulls a piece of my husband back with it. He comes home exhausted and emotionally spent. The time he spends with his siblings in the house they grew up in awakens more memories each time he is there. When he leaves and sees people outside in the world going about their day it becomes clearer that this amount of sadness he is living with is heavy. It reminds me of that drive we took to the hospital when I was in active labor. I saw people having coffee outside and didn't understand how they could just be so relaxed and normal, while I was literally exploding. In times of great sadness it is difficult to walk around while your heart and head are screaming and just pretend to be okay like everyone else.

My friend's sister is about to have a baby and she is past her due date. When I called my friend a few days ago to ask if there was any news, she said no and that she was on baby watch. I put down the phone and thought about the similarities and the differences we are both feeling while we wait. One of us for death and one of us for new life.  When the real call actually comes in the reactions will hardly have any resemblance though. No matter how prepared we are to hear that someone we love is gone, it is still a kick to the gut. The finality, the goodbye, the knowledge that you will not lock eyes or arms with that person again is shocking. My father in law was the definition of a gentleman. He was smart, caring and loving. He was a successful engineer and a dedicated family man. We bonded over chocolate and all things Italian. I always learned something new from him. He always made me feel a welcome part of the family and I loved him. The world loses a good man when he goes, and he will be missed.

Hazel

Juliette Binoche says to Daniel Day Lewis, "We should get a puppy, it will make us happy" in "The Unbearable Lightness Of Being." My husband and I saw the movie together when we first met fifteen years ago, and we quote that line often. We joked about it all the time, but we never got a puppy. That is, until this past weekend.

My husband and his family have been having a hard time recently. There has been so much loss, illness and sadness. It has been a dark time so when my daughter and he called me from a pet shelter to tell me they found "our" puppy. I didn't say no right away. We knew we would always get a dog at some point, but we thought maybe in the next year or so when things settled in with middle school. We were planning on taking a few months to travel this spring and considered getting a dog upon our return. I wasn't quite expecting this call because my husband doesn't normally call and say he would like to add a new family member, and also because we have had so much on our plates. I trust him though and if he says this is the dog we were waiting for, then bring her on home.

I have never had a puppy before, and I have heard it is hard. I have heard it is like having a baby all over again. Sleepless nights, accidents all over the house, furniture damage, and a constant need for supervision. My husband keeps reminding me that it is all worth it, but we have only had this dog two nights and I have already cleaned up so many messes and done so much laundry. I had a mini meltdown last night and I am a bit terrified about what we just got ourselves into. Having a puppy is also expensive -- between the gear, the adoption costs, the food and if I do it, the puppy training class.

This puppy has grabbed hold of our hearts already though. We are in it now, so I need to figure out how to make it work. Our children are in love and hearing them giggle with this sprite little prancer is a wonderful thing. I am the slowest in this house to embrace this addition. I wasn't quite ready and I am definitely not prepared.We have spent the weekend trying to find a fitting name. We are all smitten by her green eyes, so for now we have landed on Hazel. I have a lot to learn about having a puppy, but what I was least prepared for was while I held her yesterday, I kissed her head and said "I love you." That was fast!

Middle School Just Stole My Little Girl!

The jump from elementary school to middle school is seemingly bigger than I anticipated, and believe me, I anticipated. First off, it is so much larger in size than elementary school, like more than three times the size. Secondly, the expectation that the kids handle responsibility themselves is much bigger than it has been up to now. It is called middle school, which implies that it is in between elementary and high school, except it so far resembles high school much more than elementary. From the first day at drop off, it was apparent that a parent is no longer welcome to walk their kid into school, which I completely get, but it still felt jarring and abrupt. At pick up, there were still so many other kids around that there was no reunion hug, but rather a cool nod hello.

More than anything else, my daughter cares about what her peers are doing. She will have no part of any activity that doesn't involve a friend. She cares so much about this that it dictates her decisions about things she loves, and causes her to forgo doing those things if a friend isn't with her. She cares more about what other people think than she did a week ago. She suddenly has an interest in certain types of clothing, not because she likes it, but because so many people are wearing that kind of shirt at school this week. I understand that peers play a huge roll at this age and I know this is a completely natural phase, but I want to make sure her own opinions about herself and who she is, don't get tarnished along the way.

This is quite possibly the most uncomfortable age physically and emotionally. Hormones and body changes are not fun. Feelings are bigger than they used to be, yet the expectation to play it cool and be chill are also bigger. Drama is bigger too. Whether it is a bug bite or confusing homework assignment, the reaction is catastrophic. I made the mistake of trying to lighten the moment the other day and instantly made it worse. I am trying to be patient and kind, but sometimes it is challenging for me to abstain from saying what she is going through isn't that big of a deal. I need to remember that it feels big for her and that being neutral and calm will help shrink the size of the problem sooner.

She seems to be pulling away from me more and more, on a daily basis. After school, she walks with friends while they all wait for their younger siblings to get out of elementary school, and they hang, buy blended drinks at the little cafe on the corner, and play on their phones, that a few of them have. I want to give her a bit of rope, but I am unsure just how much to give.  I am of course concerned about the content they are looking at on the phones, and I wonder when I see them taking photos of each other where those photos will end up.  I am also feeling such a loss of influence, when I see her buying junky after school snacks so she can eat the same things as her friends. I’m hoping that a healthier afternoon plan will begin when the school library is open for them to do homework in, but for now, I am giving her rope quite a bit of slack, while fighting my own urge to grab on tighter.

There are two very different kids I’m getting to know these days. One is the kid who gets worked up about what to wear to school, when she’ll get her own phone, and doesn't hold my hand as much. The other is the child who is

still a child, runs back to me in the morning before drop off to get one more kiss before anyone sees, or cries to me at night because she misses her old school, and still crawls into my arms asking me to cuddle her. We both have our feet in two different worlds right now and that feels pretty unstable. Middle School is called Middle School for a reason, but I hope and pray that getting her footing doesn't take all three years. I know the kid I sent off to the first day is still in there, but I miss her already.

Take Heart

With the rush of the morning routine, two different pick up times and demanding homework, it is ever so clear summer is over and the school year is in motion. We are not all ready to call it our new normal, but we are getting closer. This year's changes were bigger than most, so it is taking us a little bit longer to get comfortable. Change has never been my strong suit so I am striving to see the bright side of it. In the past, I viewed change negatively, and then a close friend reminded me that we are changing everyday. With that knowledge, I am looking for the positive changes I am seeing in my family right here, right now.

My son is becoming a kid, and not as much a little kid. He still cried on the first few days of school, but was the first one to get himself acclimated. He speaks up for himself more now. When a classmate asked him why always cries on the first day of school, his response was "Why do you have to be so rude?" I was pretty impressed with his quick comeback and after that the boy never said anything again. He is also learning so quickly now, and I love how much he loves reading. He has a solid, kind teacher and is really happy about school. That makes me happy.

My daughter's whole world was rocked when she started middle school. She went from being "home" in elementary school, to literally getting lost every day in middle school. She is being so brave and with each week that passes, she is a bit less scared of going to school. She is navigating a lot more independence and friendships remarkably well. She is learning that not every teacher or adult is kind and figuring out when to not let it bother her. She is faced with situations and dynamics that I still haven't faced. She may not want to admit it, but she is liking things about her new school. I bet with a bit more time, she might feel comfortable enough to say she is enjoying it.

My husband is impressive. He is producing a television show, and this is pretty new to him. He came up with the concept, built the team and kept working until it got picked up. This is the second version of his show that is being produced and it is pretty magical to see it come to life again. He is an inspiration to me on all lessons of hard work paying off, believing in yourself, and try and try again. He manages this while he cares for his ailing father, mourns his mother, a supportive brother to his sisters, and a present father and husband.

As for me, I am soaking it all up right now. I am not sure what exactly is next on the horizon work-wise, but I continue loving my part time work with senior citizens. I love witnessing my children take care of each other. This morning I overheard my son check in on his sick sister before going to school and he was so genuinely concerned with how she felt. I am grateful for the privilege of being their mama. I love being connected to my family in NY, visits to them and from them, and daily phone calls. Change is inevitable and while I can try to settle in, the next change is on it's way. For now, everything is just as it should be. I will keep taking inventory and taking heart.