Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Not Anymore

I used to watch all different kinds of movies, and read all different kind of books. Not anymore.
I liked being brought into a story that would make me feel what the characters in the story felt. If it was a true story even better. I could live in their shoes and experience there joy or pain with them for a moment in time. Not anymore. If it was scary, I loved it even more; if it was sad, the pain I felt was real for them. Not anymore.

I didn't notice this change right away. I remember when I had my little three month old in my arms and I took her to a mommy movie of Changeling. One of my friends wouldn't go because she said she couldn't watch a movie about a boy being kidnapped. It didn't affect me that way though. First off, I thought Angelina Jolie was way too modern looking to be believable in that time period, but secondly, I was able to feel her pain and still separate myself. Lately, I can't. I am reading "Sarah's Key" right now. It is a well-written book about the French Jews, specifically children, taken to camps during the Holocaust. I am really into it, and mostly don't want to put it down, but there is a part where the children are torn apart from there parents, and suddenly I felt a little too "in it." I began to cry, and the pain of imagining my child watching me pulled from her arms forever physically hurt. My mind spun out on how screwed up this world is to let things like this happen. Today still, there is more of this madness happening.

I am not ignorant to it, and I don't turn a blind eye, but as a parent there is a certain level of selfishness that comes. I don't want to walk in everyone's shoes anymore. I don't need to feel that much pain for something I hope and pray never happens to us. I am grateful though for the amount of freedom and safety we have. I do think I often take that for granted. I will continue reading this book, but as for 20/20 specials on kidnappings, 60 minutes with Jaycee, Duggard, or following missing Baby Lisa -- not anymore!

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