The Hating Pot

As a teenager, a letter was sent around to the NYC schools announcing an audition for a project about racism and anti-semitism. I went to the audition and found myself so invested in the exercises. The people running the audition were giving us different historic examples of hate and asking us to reenact the scenarios. Sometimes we were the perpetrators, and sometimes we were the victims. Until that day, I had never known about art or theatre for social change, but I was so moved during the audition.  I didn't even know what type of project this was going to be, but it felt important and  I knew I wanted to be part of it. I didn't get my hopes up that I would get in, but I remember being excited to get a callback.  When I got the call inviting me to participate, I was asked to commit the summer to workshopping and rehearsals. I was nervous but excited since I had no idea what to expect. Little did I know that when I stepped into that room, I would be embarking on one of the most important experiences in my life. One that would go on for over four years and stay with me my whole life.

Liz Swados was the the director and visionary of the project. She had worked with kids before when she wrote "Runaways" some years before. She swore off working with kids again, but since this was a project dealing with stereotypes, she decided to challenge herself to be open to trying again. On that first day when I met her, I was both fascinated and terrified by her. I knew right away that there were a million creative thoughts running through her mind. She had a small frame with a head of big red hair. She was intense, focused and clearly brilliant. There were over twenty of us in the group, mostly teenagers, with about seven or eight adults. With Liz guiding us like a mother, a teacher and a force, she dove us into a world of relationships. We learned about relationships, racism, bigotry, between races. With a lot of hesitation and a whole lot more trust, we bravely spoke of our own stereotypes. We were all so vulnerable and raw when we opened up with sometimes hurtful words and ignorant beliefs. Together we would break down where racism and anti-semitism started. We would act out horrific times in our history, get angry together, cry together, and then come together again.

We all went on quite a journey with what became a pretty powerful musical production. Starting with that first summer when we improvised our way through hard, hateful, hurtful skits to connecting to one another on the many traits we had in common. We parted ways for a month or so while Liz took all the work we had done and pieced it together into one seamless creation. We rehearsed our words mixed with her fine tuning and then took our production to schools around the city and then around the country. We went to all black schools, all latino schools, all Jewish schools and public schools. We felt the audience as their eyes opened wide. Sometimes our message was received with open arms and sometimes it wasn't. We were a cast of all races and ethnicities. Our message was a real one about hatred, one that hurt to hear, but was honest none the less. We ultimately sang, "We are all the same, in blood and in bone, on the street or alone." Some took that message the wrong way and after the show would speak out that we weren't all the same. We were trying to show that despite the way people have been treating one another, we are all human. Our intentions were to share that for far too long people have their vision blurred by hate, history and rumors. When the ignorance of bigotry is put to the side, it is a bit clearer to see that we are all equal in what we are made of: skin, tissue, and a heart.

My own eyes were opened to the world in a way I hadn't seen it before participating in this project. I grew up in New York City, going to public schools with diverse students and diverse teachers. The people of color in my life were my peers and I didn't quite realize how uncommon that was until I joined the play. I am Jewish though, and I had experienced anti-semitism, and after being hurt by it, I am ashamed to say I tried to hide my Judaism for quite a few years. It was more comfortable for me to blend in with a diverse group than to be segregated, but I learned that even in the city of New York, very few neighborhoods were as diverse as Flushing, Queens. There were two other Jewish girls in the play with me, one went to private prep school and was very focused on college, and the other was very religious and had never touched  a black person prior to meeting one of our cast mates. My experience was very different from theirs. I started to see that I was more in the minority and that the city that I thought was so diverse, only looks that way when you walk down the street, ride the subway or take the bus. People would branch off to neighborhoods that were mostly one race or religion.

Everyone in the cast became close. No matter what area of the city you lived in, a version of home grew in this group. We trusted each other and we were a team. We went through some trying challenges building the production and we were all invested. My friend Kizzy's family was from the West Indies and she lived in Brooklyn. I hung out with her often and her family was always so loving towards me. Once at a party at her house, the music was playing, the apartment filled with celebrating friends and family, I looked up to realize I was the only white person. It was the first time for me and in that moment it hit me how many countless times Kizzy was the only black person in a room. My identity, my awareness of the need for human rights, civil rights and equality have mostly been shaped by being part of this group. The name of the play was called "The Hating Pot," because despite the Melting Pot we thought our city was, we were mistaken.

Many years passed, and many of the cast mates lost touch. Some remain in New York but many have scattered around the country. I am connected through Facebook with a handful of them, but over twenty years have passed since we have all been together. In 2016 we were all heartbroken to learn that Liz had passed away from cancer. It all happened so quickly that very few cast mates were able to make her memorial. I don't think I have processed that I will never get to say goodbye. Recently, many of us were tagged in a video we made for her wife's birthday back then. It started a thread of dialogue between us and a Zoom call. Since that time, our country has been screaming from the injustice and loss of George Floyd. His death was one of many racist acts of violence that has made it all too apparent how much work our country needs to do. I honestly thought we had made so much change with "The Hating Pot" years ago, but our work is far from over. The first calls we had were amazing reunion calls, but since then it is clear that we are together again for a reason. The message of "The Hating Pot" clearly needs to be heard.

People I Love

During these crazy times, we are spending an intense amount of time with our family members. My children can go from absolute best friends to furious enemies in shocking speed. We are all experiencing rapid mood changes, but we are learning how to navigate it one day at a time. After the initial shock of how our lives would be limited, we settled into somewhat of a new routine. We got used to spending all this time together and knowing when to give each other space, even in the confines of our home. Before this, I don't think I spent this much time with my husband on a day to day basis. I was worried that we would get on each other's nerves and that we would get in each other's way. It is true that we sometimes race to be the one to take the dog out for a walk. We occasionally bicker about little things or disagree on how late the kids should stay up, but overall I am so happy that he is the person I get to spend this time with. My husband is my best friend. We have seen each other through some pretty dark and crazy times since we have been together. He is accepting, understanding, patient and loving. This whole situation has brought me even closer to him. He makes me laugh, and he holds me when I cry. Before the pandemic, we had many conversations, but they have been rushed, or interrupted. With all this time together, we have more opportunity to grow closer. He is encouraging, inspiring and supportive. The two of us have never been homebodies, so this initially was quite challenging not getting to go anywhere, but that doesn't stop his enthusiasm. He keeps going and comes up with new ways to create projects and work that inspires him. When we met, he worked in A&R for Columbia Records. He went to music shows most nights of the week. He loved his job and would always share music he enjoyed with me.. The music industry collapsed and he had to reinvent himself a few times over. I have never met another soul so resilient and industrious. He choses new paths to try often and never gets intimidated. It is a testament to his parents, who believed in their children and didn't just tell them they could do anything, but showed them how. My husband has always invested in real estate, been involved with music in some way, and has even dipped his foot into the restaurant world. A few years ago, he approached a friend of his to host a live show at a nightclub. After a successful run, he turned it into a radio show and then wanted to make it into a TV show. He had never produced television in his life, but he didn't let that stop him. Before too long, he was pitching his concept to HBO and Amazon, just to name a few. He and his friend ended up getting two seasons of the show picked up and aired. The night the first episode was shot, I walked on to this huge set filled with audience members, a crew, and Norman Lear as a guest being interviewed. My husband looked so swanky and handsome in his jacket. He was nervous and sweating, but didn't show it. I walked up to him, looked around and then took his hand and said, “You did this.” I was so excited for him. I am beyond grateful that he is my husband, and that my children get to have a father like him. He values family, connecting with his children, and being available to them. Before my eyes, he is passing on his parents message to our children. He helps them to believe in themselves confidently. Above all, he loves them and loves me, and he shows it. This is the life I dreamt of. Even during this time, as gushy as it sounds, he brings the life back into quarantine life. I never tire of taking in our children and admiring them with him. I often make him look at them with me and say, "Look what we did!" Together, we are a good team. This strange new life that we have will continue to challenge us and our children, but I picked the best teammate for the ride.

Doers Do

Everyone I know is dealing with their own version of cabin fever right now. If you are stuck inside with loved ones, there is bound to be a time where you get annoyed with them. As humans, I don't think we were meant to spend this much time in our homes with other people. Considering all that is going on in the world, and here at home, we are doing well. It brings out some interesting elements of our personalities, and my own inability to relax is not helpful right now.

I have never been called lazy, I have been called "the energizer bunny" more than a few times though. Getting things done makes me feel accomplished. I like checking things off a list, stacking them up and knocking them down. Despite the quotes that say "life's most important things aren't on a to do list" or, "to do: live in the moment," I feel I am living my best life presently when going down my to do list. I am not excited by laundry or running errands, but I am thrilled when I get them done. My lists also consist of fun projects, and in the face of this global pandemic, I planned on adding activities to my list such as baking, bread making, brushing up on my Italian, learning to knit or crochet, making scavenger hunts for my kids, listening to new music, reading more, doing yoga, meditation, taking a lot of walks, playing tennis, sewing, art, cooking, and watching movies. We are in week three  hundred now, and I have done all of those things on my list. We have way too many baked goods here, we demolished all of the sourdough bread, and I have a bunch of new homemade wares in my home. We are eating well, sleeping well, scavenger hunting, and spending quality time together. The only thing on my list I am struggling with is chilling out.

In the spirit of all things happening for a reason, I heard on the radio that people need to stop putting pressure on themselves to be productive during this time. As Americans we have this idea that we are not enough if we are not successful. That idea is definitely stuck in my head and I keep thinking about ways to slow down in a very slow time. When I stopped being the PTA president at my children's school, I wasn't sure how I would fill up that time. It took a week or two to adjust, but then I suddenly felt busy again. The woman who took over for me wasn't surprised -- she said, "you are a doer, and doers do." It is challenging for me to be at home and not see more things I need to do. I keep cleaning, de-cluttering, and organizing. I am not great at any of those things so I now have plenty of time to practice.

So in my attempt to do just a little less, I will only bake one thing today. I will watch more TV. I will cuddle my kiddos without having to let go. I will flip pages in my magazine and not read every single article. I will play whatever games, however many times my kids want to play them. I will wander when I walk, stop and chat (from a safe distance) when I see people. I will give myself a break if I don't do something important everyday. If I have learned anything so far from this time together, it is that we all needed to take a beat. I am so grateful for my family, even if we are getting on each other's nerves now and again. This will all blow over in a few months (or years)and there will be things about this concentrated period that we might just miss. I am going to take my time, and try to slow down and enjoy it, since we all know, we have it right now.

8!

This birthday will not be how my boy hoped it would be back when he started planning his eighth party shortly after his seventh birthday. He wanted a birthday party with a few friends and hoped to have his first slumber party. He has been dealing with each Corona-related piece of news fairly well. He hasn't shown a huge range of emotion when talking about his feelings directly related to the loss of his social life, but it comes out in other ways. This time has required us to ask a lot of our children. It is hard for us, and they look to us to be the strong ones. Just a glimpse of me unraveling in front of my kids and their eyes look like they might pop out of their heads. We are all human though, and I am not one to keep my feelings to myself. I am all over the map these days, so some days we cruise  that map together, other times we hit our own destinations.

My daughter is pretty independent with her schooling now. She knows what is expected of her assignments and keeps her own Zoom schedule. My husband is working from home and I am a newly appointed second grade teacher. My son is not at an age where he can independently go through his daily assignments. He has gotten better at keeping an eye on what his next activity is on his schedule but he needs quite a bit of hand holding. This has been extremely trying for both of us, but has also bonded the two of us tighter, even if on some days we could both use some space. My little (not for long) boy drove me to tears of frustration in a way I have never experienced before. He has also filled my heart in a way I didn't know was possible. There are some nights I just can't get enough hugs and kisses in. He likes to snuggle before bed and some nights I snuggle him tightly to the point of him asking me to please go. I will never cease to let him know how much I love him.

Here we are at eight years old already and I am so proud! I am not sure how these years are flying by so quickly but they are. I don't have any babies left so please pardon me, If I baby my last one for a long time to come. I told him he could have any food he wanted so we could make his birthday special, given the circumstances and he chose pizza for breakfast, In-And-Out for lunch, and sushi for dinner. He knows he will get to unwrap some presents and have dessert after dinner, but he doesn't know that we have the car decorated and ready to drive him to his friends to see them wish him a "happy birthday." Even if it is from a distance, I think it will be just what he needs right now.

When I think about him turning eight, there is so much unknown for what this year ahead holds for him, and for all of us. I know that between his sister, his father and myself he has the love department covered. He has a bunch of close friends, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents ready and waiting to high five and hug him when the time is right. Hopefully, sooner than later, and with any luck by the time you turn nine buddy, I will make good on that sleepover party.

Eight is great, and so are you sweet boy!

Please Wait While We Put You On A Brief Hold

The last few Sunday nights, I get this pang when I remember that I am a teacher again come Monday morning. I have my degree in education, I love teaching children new things, but I was never going to be a classroom teacher, and certainly didn't plan on teaching my own children in a classroom of one. I have thought about homeschooling my children, but the thought was rather fleeting. My core belief is that the social interaction and life skills that comes from being with other people are such an important part of a child's education. I also feel that the space and time that my children and I spent away from each other during the school day are also an important part of my sanity.

I have embraced this time though and have even come to love a lot of it. To say that it is easy breezy and effortless would be a big fat lie. The emotions are big and colorful these days and there is a full rainbow of flavors hour to hour. My children are arguing, angry and annoyed with each other some of the time, and all of that is okay. I am trying to teach them the difference between being upset and being mean. One is okay and the other is unacceptable. I am also seeing growth and communication like never before. My daughter has been able to get upset, and then come around to say she overreacted. My son has learned to describe why he gets frustrated and that when his sister (who is always one step ahead of him) get's bossy, he doesn't like it. So much of the time I listen to both of them and end up saying, "I know, I agree with you, this is so hard."

There is so much we are getting out of all this time we have. My kids are being so much more creative with how they play. They are learning more life skills each day. I introduced my daughter to the vacuum and washing machine. My son learned how to clean baseboards and wipe the table down each night. They also learned, probably faster than I am learning, that so much in life is out of our control. We all got the news back in March that our lives were about to change, and each day it seemed the measures we had to stay healthy and protected were more drastic than the ones that came the day before. I know I got a crazy set of extreme emotions as a result of the news. I was scared, sad, disappointed, frustrated, resentful and on and on and on. On the days that it got hot, I walked by the recently closed pool in our neighborhood, and felt like it was teasing me from behind the locked gate. I got panicky behind my face mask when I felt too hot and wondered when and if things will ever be normal again.

I heard the news about school being closed for the rest of the school year and I couldn't process it. It seemed too hard to wrap my ahead around, and too far ahead in the future. This situation has forced me to stay in this moment, right here, right now. None of us know the answers. We could have never guessed how catastrophic a turn this virus would spin us in. I feel strange just even expressing all these feelings while some people are trying to adjust to losing someone they love to COVID-19. It's a pretty sucky time in the world and in some ways, I think being home on lockdown is the easy part. When the world slowly opens up again, I think it will be harder. Some people will have so much fear about being vulnerable to getting sick, while others will try to go back too quickly. It is taking us a while to adjust to all this change we are living with now, I wonder undoing the restrictions will cause even more shock to our systems.

I don't know much for certain these days, except that my kids have learned to deal with this change better than I have. This has resulted in them being so resilient and resourceful. While we wait, I am going to take some time learning from them. After all, I am getting a bit tired of being the teacher all the time.

Where There Is a Kim There Is a Way

Although we are not able to socialize with our friends in person these days, I feel lucky to live right near a few good friends that I see from a distance when we are out walking the dog each day. One of which, is actually making this whole quarantine thing fun each day. For those of you who have never met Kim Wilson, I feel a bit sad for you. This human brings joy to everyone she meets, just with her bubbly energy alone. To add to that, she is always up for something fun. She is positive, enthusiastic, creative and driven. I met her at our children's elementary school when "we" first started there. She is one of those moms who is always involved, but it never looks trying to her.

Over the last few years, Kim and I have collaborated on countless events, projects and fundraisers. She is one of my favorite people to team up with because no matter how concerned or overwhelmed I get with it all coming together, she is always confident and calm that it will be fine. So far she has never been wrong on this. Even if we run into bumps in the road, Kim is resourceful enough to get any train back on the track. She is one of the only people I know that is clearly an adult, but has this wonderful ability to be youthful and silly. I love the ideas she has and I love joining her in making those ideas happen.

Over the first few weeks when we were stuck at home I made a scavenger hunt for my kids and once they found everything, they left it all in place for Kim's kids to find too. The next day, she and her kids painted rocks for my kids to find. Not long after, more and more neighbors from the complex joined in to leave painted rocks for people to admire. Each day, when I am out walking, if I see Kim's patio door is open, I call up and say "Hello Kim" and if she can hear me she comes out to say hello. From a story above me, she has become my Juliet, saving me from these strange times. We talk about gardening projects, sourdough bread, sewing masks for neighbors who need them, obstacle courses to draw the kids, homeschooling, and what we are making for dinner.

There is a lot we have in common. In normal times we would go for walks together, spend summer days hanging out by our pool. We shared a passion for plant-based recipes, health and wellness. We helped our daughters create their popsicle business "Popcycle" by making homemade popsicles with them so they could sell them from their bicycles the last two summers. Our daughters both grew their hair long so they could cut and donate their hair at the same time.

To say we come from different backgrounds is an understatement. Kim is a practicing Mormon, who grew up on a farm in Utah. I am a not-so-religious Jewish girl from Flushing, Queens. She once realized that by the time she turns 45 she will be an empty nester, and I responded that at 45, I would be standing right here talking to her. Despite these differences, we are very close. I enjoy our friendship daily and I am so grateful for her. Just when I get down about being stuck at home, Kim is there on her terrace reminding me that we can do this.

Time Traveling

For a sentimental, change-averse sap like myself, all of the cliches about childhood passing too quickly hold true. At this moment in time, everything has slowed down. My kids are the same age they were when this lockdown all started but it feels like they have been quarantined for a year already. I have said so many times in the past  that I wished I could freeze time, slow down the clock and keep them little just a little bit longer. Well, my wish seems to have been granted. The aspect of my mothering that doesn't like to let go is getting a chance to thrive here.

There is no need for anyone to chime in with "be careful what you wish for." Savoring every moment with your family isn't always a picnic. We are all having a good day here if we each only cry once a day, myself included. Little quirks in my family members are magnified too largely to ignore. The small stuff is starting to cause me a lot more than just sweat. Clutter in my house seems impossible for me to walk by. No matter how much I clean the house, I can't seem to finish cleaning it. My husband and I used to argue playfully about who had to take the dog out and now we beg to be the one who gets to walk her. I don't have enough silence, personal space or alone time. I am annoyed, frustrated, angry, tired, upset and yet I still know I am lucky. I am home, I am safe, I am healthy.

This was the time that as a family we were going to be traveling for a few months. We had planned to do it this year because the second half of sixth and second grade were mostly review that we could do while traveling. We knew after these two grades, work academically would begin to get more challenging. We planned on this age because we knew they were both young enough, and old enough to enjoy travel. We also hoped that being on a traveling adventure would bond us even tighter as a family. As news of Covid-19 began to unravel every idea of traveling, one by one like stitches in a loose seam, I began to grieve.

This time has provided us with some of the elements of what I wanted out of a big international trip. I wasn't thrilled with middle school for my daughter. I am honestly relieved she doesn't have to finish out sixth grade at school. We are bonding together closely as a family, through thick and think. My kids are each other's best friends now, and it shows. When my kids were afraid of something unknown ahead of them, I used to tell them that the flip side of being afraid is being excited. I go between those two feelings often now and am learning to stay positive as much as possible. I am not hiding my rainbow of emotions from my children right now. I am hoping that showing them that it is okay to feel feelings right now and that we are all in this weird thing together. Its okay to acknowledge it's hard and to let them know they are doing so well dealing with it all. As hard as this all is, I think all of us will look back at this time with fondness for the time we've been able to spend together. We may not have gone very far from home at all, but we are definitely on a long journey away from our normal life. Our scrap book will look very different than I thought, but there will still be a lot of amazing memories from this time.

Photo Credit: Orit Harpaz