Now

So the first day of school has passed, but Twig's dry face was short lived. The following days were harder, and she isn't exactly excited about her educational pursuits. Today she woke up with a fever, so she can play hooky, but I feel her ambivalence. This is such a crazy time of transition for her and for me. For the past few years I have really wanted some extra time here and there for myself, and now that I will have it a few days a week, I am struggling to figure out how best to use it. I have a list of work to be done, and yet if I run one errand it's seems to be time to pick her up already. For her, being on her own with new adults and new children around her is very different from what she has known her whole life. For some kids, it seems such an easy adjustment; but for her, she is truly overwhelmed.

I do wonder how much she picks up on from me, as well. I can't seem to get much past her these days. If I even try to spell something out to my husband, she asks what I am saying.  Although I never said anything to her about having been pregnant, she brings up wanting a baby a lot. The other day in Target, she said she wanted to buy some clothes -- something for her, and something for the baby. When I asked her what baby, she said, "The one you are going to have, mommy." I tried not to get upset and just explained that having a baby can take a long time. It was very strange though having her voice the exact same desire that I have been obsessing over, myself. She has just simplified it a million times more though.

My head spinning is a bit out of control these days, and she is probably just on to me. I want to have another baby, but I am terrified. Emotionally I don't know how I will rest easy until I get past the point where I miscarried last time. Physiclly, I don't know how I will endure weeks and weeks of vomiting again. I am hesitant and rightfully so. Recently when I explained to a friend that I was so nervous responded by saying, "Of course you are, you have every reason to be." It helped me realize I was "normal." Knowing I am normal though doesn't make it any better when you feel crazy.

I do know this: there are only certain things in my control. I can't control if and when I will get pregnant, how I will feel, what will happen, how my daughter feels at preschool, and I can't save her from her sadness. I can only do my best to be available to her, and be calm for us both. This isn't the easiest time for this family: I am looking for what is next and my daughter is looking for me. This isn't the hardest time either. We have an amazing life. We are healthy (despite my daughter's fever) and we have each other.

And if that is all we ever have, we still have a lot.