Who's The Boss?

Last week I got a wake-up call from a friend. I brought my sweet little munchkin to her house to play. Her daughter is four days older than mine. The girls wanted to do play doh so we set it up on a table and sat down. Almost instantly there was a shriek of whining. My daughter wanted to sit right next to me. There are days where I swear if she could get back into my uterus she would. My friend sat across from her daughter and I sat across from mine. The table only had four chairs around it but across wasn't close enough for her. I know as parents we need to pick our battles but I didn't want to budge on this one. Lately, I feel I take the easy way out too often and just give in just to prevent a tantrum.

Deep down I know I am doing a big disservice to my daughter, my husband and myself by not being firm with her. I know there is a whole movement of people who don't believe in saying "No" to their children. If I can't admit out load that I think I fell into that group I can at least write it here. I think I fell somehow strangely, unknowingly, and unwillingly into that group. The only difference is I don't believe in not saying no. I was just too scared to do it.

Holding my whining and crying girl in my arms, I said, "I am sorry you are sad. I know it's hard but mommy is going to sit right across from you. I am right here, it's okay." She cried louder and for dramatic effect threw in some screaming. My friend looked up at me and offered me some helping words. Very gently (since parenting advice is not always well received), she began to share how hard this same behavior was for her, and what she did. I told her, no begged her, to please give me advice. I knew I needed to make a change -- I just needed a little push.

She explained that there is a time and a place to protect little one's feelings but when it comes down to something that has to get done or a protest from a child that gets in the way of having to get out the door, you have to remind yourself of who's the boss.

Sounds simple, but don't get too sassy -- it isn't.

The definition of the word tantrum is a childish fit of rage; outburst of bad temper. So? No big deal, right? What is wrong with me that I am hesitating to assert my authority with my two-and-a-half year old? The word rage and the word bad. There you have it, ladies and gents (other than my dad, I suppose not a single man will read this -- but hey, it flows better). I don't like when anyone is angry. It unnerves me. It's uncomfortable and I tense up. I want to run away and avoid it. The word bad brings to mind naughty, disobedient, spoiled and even a little evil. So those two, in combination, make me self-conscious, and maybe even a bit embarrassed. What does it say about me that I can't calm my kid down? Apparently it says that I am forgetting that I have to say no sometimes. It also says my baby is sad, which in turn makes me want to rescue her. And then, I just want to check out. Neither is a very good option.

Thanks to my friend reminding me that she is two-and-a-half, and that's what their job is at that age. She needs to protest, to figure out her boundaries and my boundaries. Once I told her in the car (as if this awesome bit of communication was going to fix everything) that mommy and daddy are in charge, and she is our little girl. As such, she has to listen. Her response was as if she stuck her middle finger at me. She said, "No, mommy is a lady, daddy is a little boy and I am the boss." She had that all a little backwards, so I took it upon my self to change things a bit this past week. I stopped asking her to do everything. I told her when it was important and asked her when it didn't matter. The first few days were rough, but a change has been made. I have never seen one so drastic. Then she got sick and all rules went out the window and we had a few rough days again but now she is getting it, and I am getting it too, and it's working.

Now who's the boss? Me, that's right. Too sassy?

Two For One

Next month I will have a two-and-a-half year old. Before I became a mother, I assumed I would have another child by now, or at least be pregnant. Isn't that what people do? They get married, have a baby, wait a little and then do it again. Not me. I have never been so sure of my individuality until now. I now know what I can handle, and how much of it. I love my daughter beyond words. She is a strong willed child though. Talk about individuality. We still have our moments dealing with sleep, whining, and getting out the door. It's a lot, and sometimes all in one day. Then there is the positive side of this age. She is potty trained, verbal, and my little buddy. We have so much fun together. I can't see adding to the mix right now on either side.

There was recently an article called "One and Done" about having a single child. I never thought about stopping at one, but this made a really good argument for it. It disproved all the theories of only having one, from spoiling to loneliness. For a week I was sold. Then I got sad. I realized that I do want another, I just am not quite ready. How does one prepare? Is there ever a good time?

There are so many pros and cons to how you space your kids. Have them be babies together, and then be done with that phase. If they are close in age, is that a given they will be close friends? Is it a given that if they are farther apart that they will be not close friends? Is having two really as chaotic as everyone says. I remember my friend being warned before she had her first daughter how much her life would change. After the warnings she felt that if it was anything short of WWIII, she would be okay. Later she admitted to me that it was her personal version of WWIII and that she was glad they survived the first three months. She is pregnant again. She has a very good attitude about what to expect this time. She said that she has no idea what it will be like so there is no use in worrying about it. It will be what it will be, and she will figure it out again. I worry. It is genetic for me, but I admire her and her mental stability.

There is that too. Mental stuff, post-partum, lack of sleep, no time for yourself and sharing your body with a baby again. My doctor told me a secret after I delivered my daughter. He waited to tell me that I had the worst pregnancy he has ever seen. I threw up all the way to the delivery room and in there too. I am terrified (not just worried) that I will be sick again. This time though I will have a responsibility to my daughter and can't be in bed all day or safely located near a toilet.

I might be a glutton for punishment. I know with the first wave of nausea, I will reevaluate my decision to again enter the inferno region for nine months. I am certain though that having another baby will be a positive addition for all three of us here in this family. Now I can see how my daughter looks at babies, and is gentle and loving with them. Another year from now she will understand that much more how the change having a sibling will affect her. She will be able to express her feelings better too. I watch my husband holding our friend's newborn and how he longs to cradle another of his own. I, too, can't help but think the same thoughts. The best day of my life was holding our daughter in my arms for the first time. The moment for both of us was elation. I do want another chance to feel that joy, to fall in love, and to walk around for a few months day dreaming of sleep while blissfully exhausted.

Yikes

I haven't written in so long. I have no excuse. I made a commitment in January to write and here it is almost January and I haven't put anything up since July. Wow, five months. I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.

Going At It Alone

Crying is not something I am afraid of. Sensitivity comes easily to me. Getting emotional, I can cry at the drop of a hat. Having a baby just heightened all that would fit into the "feelings" category. Each milestone is joyful and a little sad. I am now the mother of a two year old and I keep having to repeat that to myself.

Two, so far, has been the most adorable stage -- and the most challenging. As a mom, I know that following your instincts is best, but for us first timers, confidence is lacking at times. I read books, research different philosophies, and rely on advice from friends and family. It takes a village, right?

There have been quite a lot of changes in my house lately. My mom came to visit for a month. My husband landed a great new job, and everyday I look at my daughter I am reminded of the definition of change. My mom gave me a much needed extra set of hands. I could set appointments, go on dates with my husband, go grocery shopping without having to open half the packages for a hungry toddler. I also had my mom to give me advice, whether I asked for it or not. It was also the first time I saw her as an amazing grandmother for my daughter, and not just my mom.

My mom left recently and I miss her. It was a support system that was nice to have. My husband's new job started this week as well. He had always come home around five before and now the earliest he comes home is six thirty. All of the sudden, I feel so alone. I have this little girl who I talk to all day long but no extra set of hands when things get sticky. So it's back to the instincts for me. I read my parenting books now and then, but for the most part, I'm on my own.

It feels kind of good too. A little more sense of rhythm between my peanut and me. We are starting to figure out what our new days look like. Much to my surprise, she went right back to learning how to play, independently. I was concerned because my mom paid her so much attention, she had a built in playmate. Now when my husband comes home they have a little time before she goes to bed. I then have time to relax and spend time with my husband alone -- and we appreciate it more now, since it's limited. I appreciate everything more now too, including my abilities as a mom.

We Do What We Can

I recently had a conversation with a friend about junk food. We discussed how we would try to ration the artificial crap that is out there, and how much we'd actually let our kids eat. I have no problem with sugar. I would be the worst hypocrite if I did. You can catch me with a piece of chocolate daily so I won't be telling my daughter she can't have a cookie. On the other hand, I would like to avoid any candy that isn't real. I don't want want to be depriving though, or end up with a kid who can't get enough when she gets her hands on it.

We try so hard to be healthy now. Even my website is based on the bigger picture. I drive a Hybrid, use chlorine-free products, buy organic, shop locally and recycle. There are stores dedicated to people like me, festivals, web sites, natural stuff to buy everywhere. Schools restrict soda and candy now too. As a community in LA (despite the amount of artificial stuff that stereotypically defines LA), there is a growing effort to be real-er.

It can be comforting to know I am not alone. I do believe that candy will make its way into her life, and I cannot fight that. In fact, accepting that is all I can do. For no matter how hard I try, there are certain situations out of my control. For example, before my daughter had even eaten real foods we went to a class that was about sensory and tactile overload. They thought it might be fun for them to "swim" in a big inflatable pool of jello. Moms made all kinds, including the worst of the worst (sugar-free cherry). I threw in my small amounting-to-nothing amount of natural gel, and was reassured that the babies wouldn't eat it. They mostly want to feel it. My daughter crawled in and it took her about ten seconds to figure out how to inhale it by the handfuls. I wanted to cry. I might have actually cried and then I laughed. Thats the way it goes. You do what you can.

Two Soon

For all I hear about the terrible two's, I can only hope I survive intact. At 21 months, I am beginning to get a glimpse. My daughter doesn't really say the word "no" but she says "uh uh" (no way, Jose) with gusto. I walk myself into it most of the time by asking her questions instead of making basic statements.

"Do you want to go the the park?"

"Uh Uh!"

"Do you want to eat lunch?"

"Uh Uh!

"Time to get dressed"

"Uh Uh!

Oh well, this is a phase and I am trying to be patient and reason with myself when I know there is no reasoning with her. I have a tendency to argue, and I know that I simply cannot argue with her. I have thrown in a few "uh huh's" back, but thats as far as I can go.

She is expressing her frustrations, and learning that she can't always get what she wants. I can relate to that. That is a hard concept for all of us.

She also, in her fury, hit me for the first time this past week. I responded promptly and explained that we do not hit. First she thought it was funny so I realized I had to be a bit firmer. I looked her in the eye and told her again and she cried and cried. It was so hard on both of us. Boy, do I need a tougher skin. I have wanted kids my whole life. Deep down, I know I still want another, but if you ask me right this second, my answer is "uh uh."

Twenty Months

On these last days of my daughter's 19th month on this planet, I am spending a lot of time looking at her in awe. My life has been entirely about being her mother. I hired a babysitter for the first time last week and it was wild to have time to be me for a little bit.

I haven't forgotten who I am, but more how I used to do things. My mind never really stops thinking about her now. It's hard to feel carefree knowing you are responsible for another life. That being said, I had a huge smile on my face last week coming home after some time alone.

Change was never easy for me and now before my very eyes it is happening. Twenty months came so quickly and it feels really hard to hold on to right now. Each day she says something new, does something amazing, and moves me in ways I never realized before.

Twenty months feels like a milestone. Close to two and closer to kid and not baby. It occured to me the other day that when I thought of having a baby, I thought just that. I didn't think beyond the baby part so much. I'm trying to pace myself though and remind myself that 20 months is still so new. She is only twenty months and I am only twenty months a mom. We will learn together how it all works.