No Rest For The Weary

Last week I wrote about reality and how I have to face that bad things will happen. The next day Japan got hit with the massive earthquake and tsunami. That wasn't quite on the scale I was thinking of when preparing myself mentally for s*%t to go down. I am not even going to try and sit here and write an entry on how anything in my life ties in to the magnitude of an earthquake. I can't even begin to imagine the emotional pain people are going through over there right now. I am grateful to be safe right now and beyond that I can only hope it doesn't get worse for them before it gets better (although with the scare of nuclear leaks, I don't know how realistic that is).

It feels like the last few years so many natural disasters have occurred. It was terrifying but since having a child it really goes to a whole other level. A few days after our daughter was born there was an earthquake here. Los Angeles has them all the time but for some reason I have never really felt one before. This one I felt though. She was sleeping in her bassinet and I was in the kitchen. At the time there were workers on the street and I thought a big truck had gone by and rattled the house. I can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes. My husband screams out "Earthquake! Where's the baby? Where's the baby?" She was no joke right next to him but he was so freaked out he didn't notice her big white lacy bassinet right there. At first I thought it was all kind of funny and then my stomach sank. An earthquake?! I brought this innocent little thing here and now it's shaking. Suddenly, what I can and can't control got me very upset. There is nothing we can do about things like this happening. We can be prepared, but only so much.

I hate to be judgmental but I am going to anyway. I read something last week that a woman was trying to calm herself out of a post-baby dressing room meltdown by putting it in perspective with the news from Japan. There are so many things wrong with this -- where do I even begin? You have just had a healthy baby, you are shopping, thinking about how awful you feel about yourself but at least you aren't in Japan. If she wasn't so shallow she would be out buying a gas mask instead of something from the latest spring line. At least don't admit thoughts like this out loud.

Each day that goes on there seems to be more and more risk for the people in Japan. It is now recommended that people cancel any trips to anywhere in Japan. The threat of cancer seems to be going up every day. I ignorantly follow whatever news leans in favor of saying the risk is unlikely to affect us all the way over here. I can't be selfishly stupid anymore though. It's not about just me. A few years ago there was a commercial for protecting the environment. It had a man with a train coming towards him and then somehow it implied that by the time it hit he would be gone anyway so he didn't care. Then he was replaced by a child and the voice over said something about not leaving it a mess for your children. It popped into my head after last weeks news. What is this world even going to look like when she is my age?

What A Difference A Bed Makes

For the past few months bedtime has not been as successful as it used to be. I have tried a lot of different ways to make it go smoothly, mattress on the floor, blanket on the sheepskin rug, door open, door closed, bribery, yelling, but I kept coming up short. I would begin to talk about how naptime was going to go, or how tonight you are going to have to try and enjoy going to sleep. I was over thinking it, and I was over talking about it too.

At two and half, the topic of moving her to a bed has come up between my husband and me. I mentioned the possibility that she might be ready, but he wasn't ready. He feared that if she was having a hard time with the crib, it could get worse with the bed. She could get up and out of the room, or worse come into our room. I agreed that these things could happen but we needed to give her something positive around sleep. After a few weeks, on and off, of sleeping on the rug, she went cold turkey against her crib. It happened last week when my friend asked her if she could put her five month old baby in her crib for a nap. She said yes and that night when asked if she wanted to sleep on the rug or in the crib, she said the crib was for her baby friend.

We went on line to look at twin beds. I enjoyed my newest obsession of trying to find a modern twin that was functional but met our aesthetic requirements as well. It wasn't easy but we came up with a few options. The only problem we faced was our lack of funds at the moment. A twin would have to wait. We didn't buy a bed that converts to a toddler bed but after close examination I saw that there were only four screws that kept the front side of her crib up. My husband took the rail off and Voila: a super cool highly functioning toddler bed.

We decided to leave it unsaid and wait for her to notice. We timed it so it wasn't right before she was supposed to sleep, but instead before we left the house. We brought her into her room and she said "What is this?" We repeated the question back to her and enthusiastically she said " A big bed"! She couldn't contain her joy and hopped right in. She pretended to sleep in it, and she introduced Baa, her stuffed lamb to it right away. We went out that day and when we came home she ran right to her room to get ready for a nap. After I tucked her in, the last thing she said was, "Mommy, I so excited!"

She has gone to sleep so easily the last few days. I am not completely ignorant that this will last forever, but for now this is a complete game change. She loves going to sleep and loves her bed. I always turn back to look at her in her bed right before I leave the room. It's hard to believe how quickly she can shift and be so happy with something as easy as taking of a rail. I know it means so much more to her. It's freedom of choice and the knowledge that we think she is responsible enough to make good decisions now. She is so proud of herself, that most times when I turn back she is giggling, and happy to say goodnight so she can be alone. Big changes happening here and for starters we are all resting easier now.

Reality

It occured to me recently that for all the protection I try to provide my daughter, there are still inevitable incidents throughout her entire life that I cannot help her with. It is unavoidable that there will be accidents, lack of judgement, and mishaps that will come up for her. Of course, this isn't complete news to me, but I hadn't thought about it with much detail, until now.

I was watching a television show a few weeks ago and there was a young female character who falls in love with her teacher. He "falls in love" with her too and it is like watching a slow motion car crash. Anyone who knew me from age sixteen to twenty one, is aware that this storyline was all to familiar to me. I was so upset while watching it. I related to this girl's emotions and winched as she got deeper and deeper into a hole. I remembered when I too confused extra attention from a teacher to mean something more than it was. When I wasn't wrong, I was in over my head in terms of how to react. It was all a mess. I went to bed that night trying to put my past to rest, when it dawned on me that I have a daughter. Holy crap, I want to keep her from following those particular footsteps of mine.

So far, she has had a black eye from falling into a drawer pull. She has tripped and scraped her face. She had to be tested for diabetes because she drinks so much water. She was insulted when a little girl screamed "no" at her when she wanted to join her in playing. She has fought back tears when she has had her feelings hurt. She has fallen off a swing pretty hard, and she fell a few feet through an opening on a walking bridge -- that was my least favorite to date.

I'm not trying to be negative. I am only attempting to prepare myself a tiny bit for all the frightening surprises that might lie ahead. I am making a list of possible occurances so that when the shock hits me, I can soften the blow a little by remembering it was bound to happen at some point.

She will be pushed, hit or bitten by another child

Someone will yell at her

She will hear "I hate you"

She will be blamed for something she didn't do

She will be responsible for something she did do

She might chip a tooth, break a bone, or need stitches at some point

She might need surgery

She might cry on her first day of school

She might be so excited and forget to say goodbye to me on her first day of school

She will be picked on by other kids

She will go through phases of having very low self asteem

She may hate math

She may quit a sport or instrument we thought she loved

She might fake being sick so she doesn't have to go to school

She could be a victim of theft

She could steal

She might suffer horrible nightmares

She will know fear

She will lose something important to her

She will know loss

She will lose someone important to her

She will know great sadness

She will make and lose friends

She will see cruelty

She will see inequality

She will look for answers and come up short

She will feel unsuccesful at times

She will know failing

She will have to learn to find courage

She will trust

She will experience disappointment

She will try her best, and see life can be unfair

She will fall in and out of love

She will break someone's heart

She will have her heart broken

She will feel pain

She will learn to overcome

She might suffer

She will experience dark days, weeks, months

She will fight

In the worst of the worst,and when things are just fine she will have love, from her mother, her father, her other family members and her friends. We will encourage her. When she feels weak we will help her to grow stronger. When she can't see ahead we will offer her light. She will learn from every mistake, and mistakes will happen. They always do.

She's A Dancing Machine!

This weekend we went up to a wedding that took place on a campground just north of Santa Barbara. There were little cabins and tents -- it was referred to as "Glamping". The tents had hard wood floors, and the cabins had kitchenettes. It was pretty cool. We went up with a bunch of friends and their kids too, so it was a fun little adventure.

The wedding ceremony, the setting and the weather were beautiful. Our friend who got married was pretty creative and pulled off a really great day and night on a tight budget. It was a group effort and we all felt part of the final special day. We baked cakes, sewed fabric flowers, rehearsed musical numbers, and I made her bouquet too. I didn't think there would be much to be surprised about, considering our involvement, but I was wrong.

When we walked into the tent for the reception the musicians played. There were two violinists and an accordian player. They were playing Irish music, and Annabelle took her place in the middle of floor and began dancing. She was the first one out on the floor and an occasional cup of lemonade, or a slice of cake were the only things that tore her away. She tapped her right foot to the beat, whenever she was off to the sidelines. My friend showed her how to Charleston, she looked pretty adorable swinging her little foot from front to back.

I wouldn't describe My Little Twig as the most outgoing child. Like most toddlers, she is a bit timid and then, after some time, warms up. That timidness was completely undetectable that night. The best part of the evening was when a square dancing instructor came out to lead the guests in some group dances. Much to my surprise my daughter wanted in on every single one. She was dosey doeing with people she never met before and letting them swing her across the floor. It was really fun, and people were pretty wiped out afterwards. The night began to wind down. Guests started to leave and the music began to slow down. The dance floor was almost empty at the end of the party. Everyone was starting to hang their dancing shoes, everyone except the Pinball. The first one to start, and the last one to leave.

Wacky Wednesday

This is a really fun book to read. No matter how many times we read it, it is still entertaining.

Here is my version. It wasn't so entertaining to me while it was happening.

At bedtime last night,

she put up a fight

When she finally slept,

I almost wept

It wasn't going according to plan,

and that's how my Wacky Wednesday began

After biting my nails and feeling "in deep"

I laid on my bed and fell asleep

It was only 8:30 and in my dreams,

parenting this toddler is easier than it seems

11:30 pm and I was up again

and most of my night was gone by then

finally, I got up and onto my feet

looking for something with chocolate to eat

After snacking and watching late night TV

I picked up my book, something adult-like for me

After a page, I was no longer inspired

I turned out the light, How can I be this tired?

This morning I rose after ten hours or more

after all the rest, still hard getting out the door

"Mommy please may I? she says she'll be better tonight

I want to believe her, she has asks so polite

We made it on time to her class, then the store

then back home where I put grocery bags on the floor

I took her upstairs, filled with such dread

nap time, again she might scream off to bed

I read her two books, and kept open her door

Sound machine and light, who could want more?

I barely make it to the landing,

when I see on the monitor, Argh (!!) she's standing

Perfect, of course she won't sleep, just great!

I lie on my bed to think and wait

twenty minutes later she's off to sleep, I love her again and she's the best

now I'm tired again and need some rest.

First I need a snack, I have cookies on my mind

I enter the kitchen and what do I find?

Bags of cold food I brought in hours ago

All gone to waste now? Please Oh no!

So far my lovely Wednesdays been fun,

but wait there is more, it's only half past one

soon nap will be over and then what will we do?

It will all get better, when this day is through

What's In A (Middle) Name?

My friend just had a baby last week. I knew what she was having, and what she was going to name her, but the surprise was the middle name. She ended up giving her the middle name of Virginia. I loved it because it sounded perfect with her first and last name, and it happens to be where she is from. My friend kept her maiden name and she wanted to find somewhere to use it in her daughters names, but it didn't fit. This was a nice way to add in a little of her lineage.

It got me thinking about middle names though. I did some research on when in history they became referred to as "middle" names. It was't until 1835. There are so many different reasons why people use middle names too. Either to recognize someone else in the family, or a person of importance, or sometimes the name was just the runner up to the first. The middle name is hardly ever used, except for legal documents or when a parent is mad.

We decided to give our daughter as many names as we wanted. Her first name is after two grandmothers, her second is after another grandmother, her third is my maiden name and then the last name. It's a lot and no US legal document leaves room for more than one name. In non-English speaking countries multiple middle names are common. Middle intitials are interesting too. Amish people often just use a middle initial that was the first letter of their mother's maiden name. Then there are people with a given first name that never gets used. Paul McCartney's first name is really James. Personally, I don't get that. If it isn't going to get used, why is first? Unless he hated James, and just felt like a Paul.

So many of my friends have given up their middle names when they got married and put the former last name in it's place. I didn't because I liked my whole name when I got married and didn't feel like I should have to lose anything, so I just added a new ending to it. Culturally and religiously, there are many reasons for the signifigance of middle names and I always like to hear about the history of a name. I find it fascinating when people are the fifth generation with the same name, and how they were able to keep everybody straight.

I don't know why I find middle names so interesting, but I always have. When I get to know someone for the first time, I right away notice eye color. I can tell you the eye color of everyone I have ever talked to. If I get talk to someone long enough I always ask their middle names. It just like an added extra fact that usually has a story behind it. When people have a really common first name and then an extreamly unusual middle name, I like to hear how that came to pass. My all-time favorite is that my friends daughter's middle name is Wednesday. Not because that was the day she was born or when her parents went on their first date. The reason was because my friend's husband is very seriously in love with comic books and Wednsday is the day new comic books come out. So I guess you can really go crazy on a middle name. Why not? I'm the only one who seems that interested in them anyway.

Right This Second

Let me paint you a picture of where I am right now.

I am sitting at my desk at home, the trees outside are gently blowing, and there is slow, soft, classical music playing. It feels like the soundtrack behind the saddest scene in a heavy movie. It's also really cold. Late February. It all sets the tone for the way I am feeling right now.

For the second day in a row, I have had to deal with hysterics while trying to put the Twig (that if we weren't talking about my daughter and rather a real twig, I would snap in two right now). She requires a short list of demands to be met before drifting into golden slumber. The door open just like that, two lights on (really one), tuck me in but not my feet, and the best: she wants me to sleep on the bean bag in my room (yeah right). I have come to accept these as part of the routine, a ritual of bedtime. When she started calling out just after I said sweet dreams, I had to make some rules known.

I am flexible about somethings, but when it comes down to sleep, I have to be strong. She is an amazing sleeper, once she commits to it. She naps two and half hours everyday, and I have to wake her up most days, so she doesn't sleep too long. This new protest she is pitching isn't flying. She asks for all of requirements, and now that I so easily meet them, she doesn't have anything left to fight for. She holds her hand up before I even put her in her bed, and begins breath quicker and louder as if she is hyperventilating. She says she wants the door "just like that" as she is holding a defiant stop hand in my face. I say okay and she still can't calm herself down.

The last two days have me baffled. She is getting all she is asking for, so now she has decided she wants to not sleep. She works herself up to the point that there is nothing I can say or do to calm her down. After forty minutes of walking out and then walking back in to try to chill her out, she decides, okay I am ready now, I will lie down now. She even said "I love you" What was that? ARGGG! I'm not sure how to deal with this mess.

That's where I am right this second.