The Skinny

Hillary Clinton's latest anti Trump add was powerful and got my attention. It's a clear and simple message we have heard before: it simply reminds us to be mindful about how we regard body image around our daughters. It showed young teenagers looking in the mirror and observing themselves while Trump's spewing voice-over spoke nasty body shaming comments about women. I am very careful about how I speak around my daughter, and around women in general. We are fortunate to be living in a time where many people are careful, but still so many are not.

We are surrounded by so many mixed messages out there. Eat healthy, yet treat yourself! Gun violence confronts us on an almost daily basis, yet there are movie billboards glorifying guns in a larger than life way. We wouldn't tell our daughters they will be "a player", but people tell my son he is going to be "a little ladies man". There are words, phrases, insults, and curses that my kid's friends are allowed to say that mine are not. I have to explain and undo a lot expressions that I am not okay with, but are no big deal to others. I can let some things go but there is an innocence and ignorance my children have that I would like to protect a little longer. Obviously, with each passing day I let go of my children a bit more, but for now, I hope I can keep a positive impact on how they view things.

My 8-year-old daughter has a friend who already knows about sex. I am not ready to talk to my child about how a baby is really conceived but I would be devastated if her friend told her before I did. This same friend had my daughter asking me what f-u-c-k spelled. I like her friend and I wouldn't keep them apart for these reasons, this child just has a bit of information that I would rather she kept to herself.  My daughter doesn't yet see how any of these things relate to her, but it is only a matter of time. We recently went to a festival that had a rock climbing wall. It was there that my daughter felt how other people view her body, and that did not get past her. The man who helped her put the harness on, said "come here, skinny" as he tightened the straps he said commented on how she doesn't even have a waist. We try so hard to make sure people don't comment on overweight bodies but forget to be mindful of people who are underweight. Any comment about someone's body can be hurtful.

I have read all the articles out there about making sure we speak up and build up our kids by commenting on how strong our girls are bodies are, instead of talking about size, but then we pass bus bench that says, “Wanna better Butt?" This of course brought in questions about what is wrong with that girl's bottom that she needed a better one? Trump is just one man who speaks ill of women, and with any luck, he will quietly go away soon. If not quietly well at least away. Hopefully with any luck she will also never meet him. Unfortunately, I cannot keep her from meeting men as ugly as he is. However, I can and plan to empower her enough that their words are just that, words, and that her heart is the strongest muscle she has.

City people

We just spent this amazing weekend in Park City, Utah. When the sun was out, it held you like a sweet goodbye to summer. The trees were green on the mountains with just a spattering of autumn colors peeking through. We were visiting close friends who left the West Coast eight years ago to move to Utah. They have family there, they all ski, and they had small kids so it just made sense. Now having visited for the second time I can really see how much sense it makes.  It's beautiful, the schools are great, you get more for your money and there is so much open space.

It's not difficult to look at real estate in LA without wanting to flee the city. The prices have climbed to ridiculous numbers. People seem to be buying the tiniest of shoe boxes just to own something in a desirable neighborhood. Most places outside of the big cities like NY, LA, and SF you can actually buy a nice home for a reasonable amount of money.  I felt this way in Massachusetts this summer too. I saw beautiful homes with nice sizable yards and day dreamed about moving there. I just know there are too many things I would hate to say goodbye to in LA.

Everything is a trade off. I hear people say that all the time when they are talking about places to live. We left our beloved house in the hills two years ago to move to an area where we could walk, bike, and have a community of people around us. It has been the best decision we made for us, as a family. We love how this is a real neighborhood that feels a lot like what I imagine a small town USA town is like -- yet, we are still in a city. It is diverse both racially and economically and is close enough to anything we are willing to fight LA traffic for. Or now we can take the Metro which has been super easy. We also have an amazing public school system and we have been so impressed with it so far. When I look at the money that goes into the schools in Utah it seems like it is this brand spanking new school. It is nicer than most of the private schools here. They even have their own snack truck with the schools sports teams logos painted all over it. We could sell everything we have here and get a really nice house there with money left over, but we would freeze half the year and there are no Trader Joe's.

So we will stay here, because we love it. Well we love the area, but we do miss our house. We miss the natural beauty that welcomed us home everyday as we drove up the hill away from the city. We miss the quiet mountains that surrounded us. We now live in a town house that we love, but wish it wasn't attached to someone else's house on one side. We don't exactly love having a board that keeps reminding us of the rules of living in this complex. We also don't love paying the HOA fees each month. There is the trade, though. I love the convenience, the friends we have made, the grounds here, and the pool. It takes a while for someplace to feel like a home, but I am really settling in. Sure I can up and try something else if we needed too. I don't want to though. I'm making myself comfortable.

What Do You Have To Do All Day?!

Wow, someone actually just asked me what I have to do all day. She asked when I told her I wasn't sure I had enough time to help volunteer my time with one more project. She actually asked me that question, and shockingly she is a mom too. I did not respond. I did not respond because I didn't have the time to give her the real answer. 

We women need to stick together. We need to be more supportive of one another. It is not easy to be a mother and it takes some effort. I know we all have different approaches and different situations that factor in, so we may not all be able to relate completely but surely I thought every woman knew that whether you are working or not, mothering is still a job in and of itself.  I recently had a few projects and jobs that pulled me away from my regular availability to my kids. Lunches got made last minute, homework wasn't done right away, more sugar was consumed than usual, more bribes were made and less baths were taken. I had a taste of what it is to be a working mom and it is hard. My hat goes off to women who work all day and then come home with only a small window left to connect with their kids. To come home from a full day and try to feed them a healthy meal, make sure they read and brush teeth and everything else that needs to get done, you are barely left with enough time to talk to your kid. Not to mention the guilt one can feel for being exhausted and not really wanting to talk with your kids post a full work day.  It's hard!

The norm for me is not working all day at a "job," but let me be clear: I have one, and I am working harder than I have worked in my life. I have fifteen hours a week where I am not doing the mothering job, but I am always on call. Three of those days I report to another job, and then rush to pick up from preschool from there. I am a chef, a nurse, a therapist, a tudor, a personal assistant and the list goes on. I will not map out my daily schedule for you because it is pretty full and I am not looking for any pat on the back. Even sitting down to write has to be calculated for as there really isn't much time to spare. I get way more sleep than I did three years ago when I had a new baby, but he still gets us up at the crack of dawn and I am still struggling to get enough sleep at night.

Not every woman has the choice to stay at home full time. Even "stay at home" is such a poorly worded title for what a mother does. I don't do enough staying at home, if I did maybe I could tell you what soap operas were on while I tried to fold the laundry.  It takes a lot of planning, and some serious time managment. I realize this someone who asked me what I have to do all day, works another job in addition to raising her two small children. Without judgment I can also point out that she has help from a nanny, and a daycare, so perhaps her reality allows for many more free hours in the day than I have. I just don't think any mother should ever ask, "What do you have to do all day?" We should all know that regardless of how many hours we all put into it, its a big job!

Stay Awhile

My dad and I talk on the phone almost every day. My husband sometimes makes fun of me and says "daddy" when he sees I am talking to him. He knows I am a daddy's girl -- he can make all the fun he wants, but my bond with my dad is unbreakable. When I call my mom she is often busy, or she will chat for a minute and hand the phone to my dad. When I talk to my dad, he has all the time in the world for me. Except the other day when I called. He picked up and said hello, but then quickly said he had to go. I asked him why and he said he was at the funeral home. I pushed a bit further and he confessed that he was making arrangements for his own funeral to make it easier on us when he passes. I swallowed back my tears.

 My dad didn't coach soccer games, or teach me how to ride a bike, but he was the one who made our family dinner every night, picked me up from school, and helped me with my homework. Compared to my friend's fathers, mine was much older. He was almost fifty when he had me and so now he is eighty eight years old. Over the last ten years he has had some aches and pains. He has had knee and back problems He has had a few surgeries and epidural injections for pain, but he has been free of any disease or illness and has remained relatively healthy. 

Most people at his age slow down, and he has but his version of slow is exhausting just to think about. He may not walk very well now but that doesn't stop him from getting on planes. He travels to Israel for six months at a time with my mom. They live there, rent an apartment and a car, have friends to visit, concerts to attend, and classes to take. The other six months they live between New York, Massachusetts, and find a way to even get out here to California for a visit or two a year. They are not afraid of adventure and my dad says as long as he can do it, he will. My dad does get anxiety and often worries, but the most valuable tool I learned from him is that despite fears, you do it anyway.

My parents absolutely live life to the fullest.  They were both teachers and they took summer vacations to work in summer camps that were located in the country so they could live somewhere beautiful. The loved to travel so they always set a few weeks of the summer aside so they could a trip. They still go to plays, concerts, see their friends, and they still travel. The biggest obstacle for them now is pain though. It can really get in the way. It might not stop my dad but it surely can overshadow joy. When his back began to ache a few years ago, I thought it was just an injury that would go away with a little time. It has taken me a while to accept that these ailments aren't temporary, they are here to stay. As many people have tried to reverse aging, clearly no one has a solution yet.

This summer I took my kids on our annual trip back to the east coast to visit my parents. It was the first time that my mother was also in pain. She has some sort of sciatic nerve pain down her leg and it makes it very difficult to walk. This was the first visit that felt like just that: a visit. We spent time with them talking, eating, and staying with them, but we did all of our adventures without them. The lake to swim, a walk, a museum, a trip to the playground all might have been done together in the past, but this year they just couldn't do it anymore. My kids had a great trip and we enjoyed our time together with my parents, but I felt the absence of their energy. I went home feeling slighted of quality time with my parents and in exchange I felt sad. Was this my new normal? I had this underlying feeling of denial, and stubbornness to accept their health this way. If I had a difficult time accepting this I can only imagine what they feel. Aging is no fun for anyone involved, and as my dad says often "Getting old sucks" 

I suppose he is doing the responsible thing, preparing for the future. Statistically, he is planning all of this at an appropriate age. I know humans can only live so long, yet knowledge and understanding can't even begin to prepare me for the way the world will feel without my father in it. So regardless of what lies ahead, I am going to continue picking up the phone everyday. I will spend as much time I can connecting with my dad, and as little time as possibile thinking about when I won't be able to anymore. When I spoke to my dad on the phone from the funeral home, I waited to cry until I hung up. I told him to hurry up and get out of there. I reminded him that he had a long time before he would ever go back there.  

Running Up That Hill

It was early Sunday morning. The adrenaline and excitement didn't pull me awake as I thought it might. I was slower getting ready, not a good start for a day where moving quickly is the goal. I skipped the shower and put on workout pants, a sports bra and the race t-shirt. It was my 5K day. This is my third one. I ran last year but the one before that, I was 27.  I am not a runner. I don't thrive on it like some people. I don't I have a runner's body, my knees turn in slightly so if I run a lot my knees start to hurt. I only ever took it up years ago for a short time because I was dating a runner. I wanted to see what he was so addicted too. Thank goodness he was an athlete and not a druggie, because for a few months I was hooked too. On running.

A few months later our relationship ended, and soon after that my love of running ended too. I was on to exploring new possibilities in this fitness and dating world. I think maybe thats when I started dating a spin instructor. A few years after that though I was living in LA with a roommate who was training for a marathon. She was going to do a 5K as part of her training and asked if I wanted to it with her. I was game, and began taking a few runs around the neighborhood prior to the race. I didn't really want to "train" but I also thought it would be good to not embarrass myself and collapse from exhaustion during the race. As a former figure skater I stayed in shape, but running was a different beast. There is so much more of a mental challenge for me. Much to my surprise I ran a ten minute mile that day, and finished the race in half an hour. I was happy with that, and again put running behind me.

After getting married, having two children, and a few other things that happened in those ten years, I saw a flyer for a 5K that appealed to me. The money that would be raised went to support family fitness and heath. I was already an ambassador for a program that encouraged the same cause so I felt compelled to do as much as I could for it. I also felt ready to do something for me. To have something goal oriented that I committed committed committed, stuck to and could accomplish, was really important to me after parenting full time.

My goal was to do about the same time that I did over ten years before. Again I ran a few weeks before to prepare, and much to my surprise I was even faster. Now I know that like wine some things get better with age, but I beg to differ with that. When I find a gray hair or spend money on facial serums, or have to get reading glasses, I don't exactly feel like I am getting better. It's then that I think I am over the hill. As far as running hills go I have improved. I think having experienced childbirth and being a mother has helped that.

This year the race came around again, and I wasn't quite as prepared. I only got to take two runs a few days before. My husband wanted to run with me, but we didn't know if there would be childcare at the race. Making a game time decision, we left the kids with someone who has watched them before. She was game so we said a quick goodbye and registered my husband to run. I think we both said to each other that we had to pee but it was too late. It was time to get ready to run.

The horn blew and we were off. I lost him as I tend to get in my own head when running. I listen to my breathing and the sound of my feet hitting the ground. I play around with my strides, challenging myself to take bigger leaps and change the rhythm of my steps. I was pacing myself but not taking it easy.  As soon as I get a bit tired I am reminded how much I hate running, then I have to remind myself to think positively.  All was going fairly well until the hill. I remembered it from last year and it was no joke. It was long and hard. I looked down at each crack in the pavement and decided to just take it one crack at a time. I didn't look ahead at anything except the next crack. I started to count the cracks but the number was going so high and the hill still steep, so I went back to my breath.

Finding it hard to keep breathing deeply and steadily, I began to hit that "wall." That place where you want to give up so badly but you force yourself to keep going. Where the challenge becomes so tough that you wonder if your body can actually handle it.  The fight that goes on in those moments between your head, heart, and body is so intense. It felt so familiar too and then I remembered when I felt it before: childbirth. With my second child I felt so exhausted, and spent. With every contraction, a great deal of stamina seeped out of me. I was losing endurance and sight of how I would get to the end result. I had to muster all that was left though and perceiver. Just like getting to having the  baby, I would get to the end of the race. The hill was done and I was able to put that behind me. I suddenly remembered the kids were left at the start of the race in haste. I began to run faster. I wanted to get back to them, and I also wanted this race to be over. I finished and when I glanced up at the time, it was the fastest I had ever done.

Relieved to be reunited and finished my kids and I had some snack and sat around listening to the award ceremony.  When they announced the third place winner they said "at the age of 41" and I wasn't really paying attention after that because I thought that sounded kind of old to win a medal, but then they said my name. I was shocked! it was a very nice surprise and I was proud of myself. Of course going against the "getting better with age" theory the silver medalist was 26 and the gold was 15! Regardless though I was happy, and I thank my children for putting a fire under me, since I ran back so quickly to make sure they were ok.

Put Down That Phone

On mothers day I went to a park with my kids. It was a beautiful day and as they played I sat down on a bench and instinctively picked up my phone. My head was down and oblivious to my kids. I was busy looking at photos and posts of everyone else saying "happy mother's day" and staring at cute pictures of other peoples kids instead of looking at my own, the live ones right in front of me. I'm not saying that I should be paying 110% attention to my children at all times, or that they aren't capable of playing without me, but I did realize in that moment that something felt wrong. I felt addicted to the phone and had to have my own personal intervention to put it down.

I decided in that moment that I was going to practice some restraint. I committed to turning off the phone for an hour.  I slid that circle to the right and zipped that phone into my bag. I looked around and took in my surroundings. The first thing I realized is that immediately I was able to slow down time because the just by having my head in the phone while at the park made me feel like I was multi tasking even though I wasn't actually doing anything except cruising Facebook. I stood up and walked around, I noticed what my kids were doing. One was playing chess with a little girl she had just met and my son was climbing up and down a net ladder. He called to me to see and I took him in. I wondered if he had wanted to call to me a few minutes before but saw I was on the phone so he didn't bother. In that moment I thought about how many moments are stolen by my phone. I do not want my children to have to compete with my phone. I don't want my children look over and always see my head down and stuck on a device.  I don't want my children to think it's okay to connect mostly through a phone and not face to face.

Cell phones have been life changing and invaluable but they shouldn't be life stealing. I cringe whenever I see kids at restaurants on their parents phone. Sure, it distracts them and allows us to have a conversation but what about teaching them to sit with us and communicate?  If they are too little for contributing to a conversation what about coloring or bringing small toys to the table?  There is so much hard evidence that too much screen time is bad for our kids but it's so easy to let them stay plugged in since it's such a cheap babysitter. Or is it? The cost of time on devices is pricey. Connection, creativity, boredom, touch, daydreaming, making friends, the list goes on.

I don't know the last time I looked at my kids doing something cool and just watched them. Instead I quickly grab my phone so I can snap a picture so all of my "friends" in my social network can like it, and so that later I can see how it's trending and if anyone comments.  This could have been an opportunity to laugh with my kids but instead I had to capture it. It feels out of control. Social media is great in terms of being able to connect with people that you don't get to see often, and I appreciate that. I have a lot of friends that I wish lived closer or that I don't see because of how crazy our families schedules are. One would argue that maybe I have too many people I love that I don't see enough but when I hear the statement "you don't need any new friends" it sits funny with me. When people stop connecting with new people then there is a problem. After I put down the phone at the park I walked over to the table where my daughter was playing chess, the little girl was sitting with her parents who were helping our girls play. They had moved here from London just a couple of years ago ( I seem to connect with Londoners and their kids for some reason) and our girls were playing so nicely.  They went from chess to riding scooters, and playing handball together. The parents and I talked, and by the end of our time at the park we exchanged numbers. We will likely see them again and had I not put down my phone I would have likely missed an opportunity to meet new people or worse missed a chance for my daughter to continue a new friendship.

I would love to hear what stories can come out of putting down your phone. Challenge yourself and see what comes of powering off. Look how many sentences can start with "Put down that phone..."

Put down that phone and play with your kids
Put down that phone and read
Put down that phone and dance
Put down that phone and eat
Put down that phone and meditate
Put down that phone and drive
Put down that phone and write
Put down that phone and smile at the person next to you
Put down that phone and go outside
Put down that phone and go for a walk

and on and on.

Letter To Liz

Dear Liz,

I've been trying to process the news of your death. I heard about it from a few other cast mates from The Hating Pot, and it feels so lonely trying to mourn you all the way here in California. For all the hours, days and years our group spent together, I never took a moment to think that one day we would all splatter across the world, never to be sitting in the same room together again. I went online last night, searching for a way to make peace with you being gone. I looked at old videos of you in the 70's with your long red hair, wildly dancing as you led a huge group of people singing. I read Facebook posts of people thanking you for your inspiration. I saw tributes, obituaries, and stories all about who you were.  As I read, my head kept hearing James Taylor's song, "I always thought that I'd see you again…".

Over the past 18 years since we all worked with you, I only have seen you once. It was a fantastic surprise too. I was in a Whole Foods in West Hollywood and you and Roz were just standing there. It really felt like I ran into family I hadn't seen in a while. It was a surprise but so comfortable. I was so excited to show you that I was all grown up. Meeting you as a teenager and then spending over four years with you — I really did enter adulthood under your watch. I remember auditioning for you. It was a large open call with so many kids from public schools all around New York City. I could see in your eyes how important the subject matter was to you. I so enjoyed the improvs you had us doing and was taking them so seriously. I'm sure part of why I was cast was because I was so eager to meet your level of intensity. 

I joined a group of cast mates, all of us unknowingly beginning such an important project. Not only did I gain a new community, I also learned more than I ever did in all my history, social studies and humanity classes put together.I met other kids who were my neighbors in New York but who had never met anyone Jewish or Black. Together we broke down racial stereotypes and shattered our own racism through honest improvisations. I tapped into a reservoir of creativity I didn't know I had. I sang and danced, expressing all emotions on the spectrum. I traveled around the country, made TV shows, made friends, all thanks to this one show, and thanks to you.

Liz, you were the matriarch of this crew. You lead and steered the ship and without you this production simply wouldn't have been. I was so in awe of you. As a teenager I will admit I had some obsessions with teacher, or mentors. I wanted to know more about these people who were my so called leaders. I definitely craved some attention clearly. With you though I didn't need to search for anything because you gave it to us. You were who you were and you offered it to us completely. For me having you guide us for that many years at that time is a beautiful water mark that you leave on me.

I thank you for giving me a chance, as an actress, as a girl, then as a woman, and as a human. I thank you for teaching me to open my eyes to what is really happening right around us. I thank you for showing me a new way to make a difference. I thank you for teaching me so I can now teach others. I thank you for loving all of us, making music with us, and for taking on such an incredible journey.  I had a dream last night that you weren't actually gone. I ran into you on some Hollywood set of what they think heaven would look like. I asked you what you were doing there and you said you were waiting for the right time to surprise everyone. I felt content with that and was pretty unhappy when I woke up and realized you were still not here.

My work has been so influenced by you. My major in college to my goals as a teaching artist have all been shaped how you taught, and what you taught. I hope that what I have to offer now, and what I hope to share with students I work with in the future will reflect my time spent with you. I may not be able to ever run into you again, but when I look at work that I have learned to create from you, that is when I will see you again!

Forever grateful,

Sharon