Two For One

Next month I will have a two-and-a-half year old. Before I became a mother, I assumed I would have another child by now, or at least be pregnant. Isn't that what people do? They get married, have a baby, wait a little and then do it again. Not me. I have never been so sure of my individuality until now. I now know what I can handle, and how much of it. I love my daughter beyond words. She is a strong willed child though. Talk about individuality. We still have our moments dealing with sleep, whining, and getting out the door. It's a lot, and sometimes all in one day. Then there is the positive side of this age. She is potty trained, verbal, and my little buddy. We have so much fun together. I can't see adding to the mix right now on either side.

There was recently an article called "One and Done" about having a single child. I never thought about stopping at one, but this made a really good argument for it. It disproved all the theories of only having one, from spoiling to loneliness. For a week I was sold. Then I got sad. I realized that I do want another, I just am not quite ready. How does one prepare? Is there ever a good time?

There are so many pros and cons to how you space your kids. Have them be babies together, and then be done with that phase. If they are close in age, is that a given they will be close friends? Is it a given that if they are farther apart that they will be not close friends? Is having two really as chaotic as everyone says. I remember my friend being warned before she had her first daughter how much her life would change. After the warnings she felt that if it was anything short of WWIII, she would be okay. Later she admitted to me that it was her personal version of WWIII and that she was glad they survived the first three months. She is pregnant again. She has a very good attitude about what to expect this time. She said that she has no idea what it will be like so there is no use in worrying about it. It will be what it will be, and she will figure it out again. I worry. It is genetic for me, but I admire her and her mental stability.

There is that too. Mental stuff, post-partum, lack of sleep, no time for yourself and sharing your body with a baby again. My doctor told me a secret after I delivered my daughter. He waited to tell me that I had the worst pregnancy he has ever seen. I threw up all the way to the delivery room and in there too. I am terrified (not just worried) that I will be sick again. This time though I will have a responsibility to my daughter and can't be in bed all day or safely located near a toilet.

I might be a glutton for punishment. I know with the first wave of nausea, I will reevaluate my decision to again enter the inferno region for nine months. I am certain though that having another baby will be a positive addition for all three of us here in this family. Now I can see how my daughter looks at babies, and is gentle and loving with them. Another year from now she will understand that much more how the change having a sibling will affect her. She will be able to express her feelings better too. I watch my husband holding our friend's newborn and how he longs to cradle another of his own. I, too, can't help but think the same thoughts. The best day of my life was holding our daughter in my arms for the first time. The moment for both of us was elation. I do want another chance to feel that joy, to fall in love, and to walk around for a few months day dreaming of sleep while blissfully exhausted.

Yikes

I haven't written in so long. I have no excuse. I made a commitment in January to write and here it is almost January and I haven't put anything up since July. Wow, five months. I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.

Going At It Alone

Crying is not something I am afraid of. Sensitivity comes easily to me. Getting emotional, I can cry at the drop of a hat. Having a baby just heightened all that would fit into the "feelings" category. Each milestone is joyful and a little sad. I am now the mother of a two year old and I keep having to repeat that to myself.

Two, so far, has been the most adorable stage -- and the most challenging. As a mom, I know that following your instincts is best, but for us first timers, confidence is lacking at times. I read books, research different philosophies, and rely on advice from friends and family. It takes a village, right?

There have been quite a lot of changes in my house lately. My mom came to visit for a month. My husband landed a great new job, and everyday I look at my daughter I am reminded of the definition of change. My mom gave me a much needed extra set of hands. I could set appointments, go on dates with my husband, go grocery shopping without having to open half the packages for a hungry toddler. I also had my mom to give me advice, whether I asked for it or not. It was also the first time I saw her as an amazing grandmother for my daughter, and not just my mom.

My mom left recently and I miss her. It was a support system that was nice to have. My husband's new job started this week as well. He had always come home around five before and now the earliest he comes home is six thirty. All of the sudden, I feel so alone. I have this little girl who I talk to all day long but no extra set of hands when things get sticky. So it's back to the instincts for me. I read my parenting books now and then, but for the most part, I'm on my own.

It feels kind of good too. A little more sense of rhythm between my peanut and me. We are starting to figure out what our new days look like. Much to my surprise, she went right back to learning how to play, independently. I was concerned because my mom paid her so much attention, she had a built in playmate. Now when my husband comes home they have a little time before she goes to bed. I then have time to relax and spend time with my husband alone -- and we appreciate it more now, since it's limited. I appreciate everything more now too, including my abilities as a mom.

We Do What We Can

I recently had a conversation with a friend about junk food. We discussed how we would try to ration the artificial crap that is out there, and how much we'd actually let our kids eat. I have no problem with sugar. I would be the worst hypocrite if I did. You can catch me with a piece of chocolate daily so I won't be telling my daughter she can't have a cookie. On the other hand, I would like to avoid any candy that isn't real. I don't want want to be depriving though, or end up with a kid who can't get enough when she gets her hands on it.

We try so hard to be healthy now. Even my website is based on the bigger picture. I drive a Hybrid, use chlorine-free products, buy organic, shop locally and recycle. There are stores dedicated to people like me, festivals, web sites, natural stuff to buy everywhere. Schools restrict soda and candy now too. As a community in LA (despite the amount of artificial stuff that stereotypically defines LA), there is a growing effort to be real-er.

It can be comforting to know I am not alone. I do believe that candy will make its way into her life, and I cannot fight that. In fact, accepting that is all I can do. For no matter how hard I try, there are certain situations out of my control. For example, before my daughter had even eaten real foods we went to a class that was about sensory and tactile overload. They thought it might be fun for them to "swim" in a big inflatable pool of jello. Moms made all kinds, including the worst of the worst (sugar-free cherry). I threw in my small amounting-to-nothing amount of natural gel, and was reassured that the babies wouldn't eat it. They mostly want to feel it. My daughter crawled in and it took her about ten seconds to figure out how to inhale it by the handfuls. I wanted to cry. I might have actually cried and then I laughed. Thats the way it goes. You do what you can.

Two Soon

For all I hear about the terrible two's, I can only hope I survive intact. At 21 months, I am beginning to get a glimpse. My daughter doesn't really say the word "no" but she says "uh uh" (no way, Jose) with gusto. I walk myself into it most of the time by asking her questions instead of making basic statements.

"Do you want to go the the park?"

"Uh Uh!"

"Do you want to eat lunch?"

"Uh Uh!

"Time to get dressed"

"Uh Uh!

Oh well, this is a phase and I am trying to be patient and reason with myself when I know there is no reasoning with her. I have a tendency to argue, and I know that I simply cannot argue with her. I have thrown in a few "uh huh's" back, but thats as far as I can go.

She is expressing her frustrations, and learning that she can't always get what she wants. I can relate to that. That is a hard concept for all of us.

She also, in her fury, hit me for the first time this past week. I responded promptly and explained that we do not hit. First she thought it was funny so I realized I had to be a bit firmer. I looked her in the eye and told her again and she cried and cried. It was so hard on both of us. Boy, do I need a tougher skin. I have wanted kids my whole life. Deep down, I know I still want another, but if you ask me right this second, my answer is "uh uh."

Twenty Months

On these last days of my daughter's 19th month on this planet, I am spending a lot of time looking at her in awe. My life has been entirely about being her mother. I hired a babysitter for the first time last week and it was wild to have time to be me for a little bit.

I haven't forgotten who I am, but more how I used to do things. My mind never really stops thinking about her now. It's hard to feel carefree knowing you are responsible for another life. That being said, I had a huge smile on my face last week coming home after some time alone.

Change was never easy for me and now before my very eyes it is happening. Twenty months came so quickly and it feels really hard to hold on to right now. Each day she says something new, does something amazing, and moves me in ways I never realized before.

Twenty months feels like a milestone. Close to two and closer to kid and not baby. It occured to me the other day that when I thought of having a baby, I thought just that. I didn't think beyond the baby part so much. I'm trying to pace myself though and remind myself that 20 months is still so new. She is only twenty months and I am only twenty months a mom. We will learn together how it all works.

So Long, Fairwell

When I started this blog, my only intention was to have an outlet to express myself and document my experience as a mom. In some ways by writing, I am realizing that I am also talking to myself, and trying to appear that I have it together. Sometimes, I don't.

Last week was a really crappy week for me. Right after I wrote about how grateful I was for everything, I started to fall apart over everything. I'm the kind of person that when things are good they are really good, but when they turn a bit I manage to pull everything down. I guess the definition of that might be moody. Perhaps.

One intention I don't have with this blog is being sanctamonious. My experience is only mine. My opinion is only mine. I will express it here but I am not preaching. I haven't met one mother out there who does anything exactly like anyone else. I don't judge anyone for the choices they make. Sure, I may disagree and do things another way but I try to respect their individual choices. If I feel someone is judging me though, that is when it gets tricky. That's when my inner Queens (as in New York) comes out and I start referring to certain women as materialistic, catty bitches. That's a bit harsh, but I feel as if I have been crossed. It's amazing the instinct as a mother that I have to protect my daughter and myself from tricky women.

I live in Los Angeles, so it's not ridiculous to find that people here can be shallow and materialistic. What is ridiculous is that I became friends with some of those people. When you have a baby, you make friends with people that also have a baby, despite that being the only thing you have in common. Some women escaped this "mommy group" phase and kept all their real friends from their past life. I love my friends, but I still got sucked into the clique crap. It served a purpose at a time to surround myself with women going through the same thing at the same time (at least that is the theory behind it). The reality is, two people rarely have the same experience. Not only were these women going about this life change differently than I was, I also had no idea who they really were.

Since I have a daughter, I especially don't feel right about exposing her to conversations about the latest designer, and that now they are making baby clothes. Or listening to them while they talk about other women who have things that they want. Even worse, hearing them judge the other women who aren't there that day (even though they are "so close"). I felt I was back in Junior High.

It took me a long time to get to this realization. From the outside, my husband and my real friends were wondering what I was doing spending time with these people in the first place. I know now that it was to fill the void -- to feel I had a community. I have that in my true friends, though it can be a challenge in LA to feel physically close to anyone at times. I do have an amazing group of people around me. I gave myself a gift by finally letting go of the wrong people. It feels really liberating, and really good.