Tough Guy

I spend my days with guy and I am pretty sure that some of the ways he treats me would have been major red flags back in my dating days. He yells at me, rips my clothes when he wants to get under my shirt, acts out in public, keeps waking me up and not won't let me go back to sleep. It does border on abusive. He keeps doing all these things day in and day out and I just keep forgiving and forgetting because I will love him forever.

This of courses is my toddler I am writing about so this behavior comes with the territory. I am not complaining about it either but it dawned on me recently that it is my job to teach him to be a well behaved so that he will one day become a good man. Here is my chance to make a good guy that some other young person can meet one day and hopefully not be crushed by. I also realize as I type this that it is likely that my two children will likely have their hearts broken in addition to breaking hearts, but I hope that who ever hurts them was raised to let em down easy. 

Its hard to imagine my children as adults but making good people starts now and so I face this challenge as patiently and lovingly as possible. I do warn anyone out there who breaks my kids hearts though. I put a lot of time into these two, so I might just have to get all helicopter on you if you decide to get mean for no reason. Just saying, these are my babies!

Be Still!

Last week I got an email from a friend that was basically a chain letter, but instead of being for recipes or karma it was for inspirational passages quotes or mantras. The most time-consuming part of doing it was cut and pasting the information and resending it on to a selected group who wouldn't be annoyed at you for getting such an email. I passed on a mantra I heard after having both my babies, "I am safe, I am healthy, I am at ease." My midwife shared it with me, and at the time I was in no way at ease, I repeated it countless times to help myself believe that at least the possibility existed. Feeling safe and healthy weren't my strongest feelings at the time either, and I do believe chanting this to myself helped.

I also received an email from some spiritual newsletter that I mostly delete but for some reason, decided to read this time. It was about how many people are so afraid to do nothing. We busy ourselves all the time so we don't have to be still. It went onto say that being still is hard for most people because it scares them. I never equated fear with my inability to sit still, but I suppose it is possible. After all, so many of us spend so much money to go on vacation to lie down and be still somewhere else. I do feel challenged on days we decide to stay home on the weekends that we won't "do" enough. I am sure I am creating monsters in my kids with the idea that there has to be an activity at all times. I recently been much better at relaxing but it seems counterintuitive that it should take work.

My husband and I talk all the time about where our next move with be. We are obsessed with discovering new houses online and exploring new neighborhoods. We fantasize about owning a house with a pool and guest house, and talk about what amazing new things we could do if only we lived closer to… Since obsessing is something I don't need any practice doing I can spin out on this whole move thing. The truth is that there is nothing we can do right now at all. We haven't even put our home on the market and we are, for the moment, staying here. I also happen to love things about where we are. Walking my daughter to school everyday, walking my boy around the pretty streets, our incredible view, and how idillic it feels here. Sure there are a bunch of reasons that it doesn't work for us but for right now I am choosing to love it. "Bloom where you are planted" as they say. I didn't get that from one of the chain responses but it is fascinating how many of them are all about not worrying, living in the moment, and having faith that it will all work out.

Something To Worry About

I try to write every week, but every so often it seems impossible to get a free moment to sit down to write. Last week was one of those weeks. Monday, both children were home with the stomach bug, for the second time this season. My son somehow fell back to sleep after getting sick in his crib the night before, which is really not a fun mess to clean in the morning. My daughter went off to school but quickly came home feeling sick. We spent the next two days inside, with me juggling a sort of "rinse and repeat" dance between the two of them. By Wednesday, I was spent and missed the real world. A friend called me to tell me that she felt she had "broke" her child when she asked her to do her homework and her daughter started to meltdown. I had never heard that expression before but I was sure that I had broke mine as well, just minutes before she called.

About two months back, I noticed my daughter started a strange habit of sniffing and snorting repeatedly. She is five and a half now and since she was four months old she has sucked her fingers. Bad habits are not something new for her, she seems to add new ones into the preexisting ones or sometimes just mixes them in rotation. She holds her stuffed lamb "Ba" and rubs his tail on her nose, or switches the sounds of sucking she makes when she sucks her fingers, or will change the way she puts her fingers into her mouth. She keeps it interesting, but this time this habit seemed different. When she started preschool she learned to limit her finger sucking to outside school. Little by little, she stopped doing it anywhere except at home at night or when she was upset or in the car. My husband and I never asked her to try stopping completely, as we know it is a great source of comfort for her. When she starting this new habit, I assumed it was just that: a habit. I brought it to her attention a few times and for a few minutes at a time she could focus on trying to stop it but then it would just come right back.

Wednesday when I felt I broke her, it was after I was with her for a few days straight and I listened to her snorting all day long. I snapped at one point and turned to her and said "stop!!" When she really couldn't, I realized how out of control this really is for her. My husband I talked and we are taking her in to see her Dr. today. *

Since I suffer from anxiety and a bit of OCD, ignoring is not exactly my strong suit. I, of course, have been obsessing on what a life with this disorder would mean, and then I go between the idea that "big deal she has a tic" to "holy freaking cow, is she going to keep doing this?" I hear every single sniff she takes and can't seem to tune it out. I even catch myself counting the seconds in between sometimes. Then I switch gears and talk myself into this being just a phase that will pass really soon. I also wonder how much more she will be tested with in this category. Anxiety is also genetic and I know how hard living with it is, especially when it isn't from something specific but just chemically appears one day.

As a parent I know that there will be challenges like this that come and go. If this is nothing but a passing phase, then fantastic. If it is not, we will deal with that too. Being a mother to my kids doesn't just mean taking them to good school and making them healthy meals. When I think about the things that most parents have to deal with between all their kids, a small tic is just that: small. There will be bigger things and smaller in the years ahead. As I walked around today trying to keep my thoughts calm I ran into a neighbor. She asked how everything was and I said we were all doing well. She commented on my daughter and son and how fast they were growing, and I agreed. My head was running while she spoke and then as she said goodbye she said "You are a lucky woman Shea, to have two beautiful children like these, you really are." I felt a hint of sadness from her as I know she doesn't have any children. I don't know much more than that, but I got the sense that her comment was not at all a flippant one. As I said thank you and walked away I really took it in. I am indeed lucky to have such beautiful and HEALTHY children!

*This was written a few weeks ago, and because this is the worst season I have ever experienced for illness with my two kids I was unable to post this earlier. Since writing though I have done more research and spoke to some socialists and at this age tics are quite common and most often transient. With that knowledge I have been at peace with her little sniffs. Her whining and begging are an entirely different matter, but any or all of it, she is my girl and I am so happy to have her!

Skater

As a teenager, my life was ice skating. From the first lesson I took, I was in love. My first coach remains a dear friend to this day. I went from learning to skate backwards in that first lesson to years of skating competitions, figure skating camp and a semester of boarding school at the National Sports Academy in Lake Placid. My parents worked hard to give me the opportunity to skate. It was not a cheap sport, between lessons, ice time and equipment, but when I started skating I was happy and I felt confident, and successful. I know those qualities for a teenage girl are priceless.

My identity was tied into being a figure skater. There wasn't much else to me then and that was fine with me. I gave up the chance to go on trips with my parents in exchange for staying at my coach's house and skating. My brother lived in Japan at the time and I chose to opt out of the trip because I would miss too many days at the rink. That one trip might be my only regret. I hope to one day get to Japan, but instead my axel might be a bit better for it. Whenever we could go somewhere where there was a rink, I tagged along. There was a trip to Israel where we found the one and only rink so I could practice. My skates traveled with me everywhere.

When we came to see my dad's family in LA, I would skate at Culver City Ice Arena. I even had a coach I would take from there, as well as making some friends at the rink. Years later when I graduated college, and moved here I went back to the rink. I began to teach a few lessons there for a year or so. When a friend set me up with his friend, he decided a double date with he and his girlfriend would be fun to have at a skating rink. So my first date with "that" guy was at the Culver City ice rink. That guy is now my husband.

A few weeks ago he asked me if I had seen the news about the rink in the paper. After 52 years will close it's doors. I had already felt this sadness 5 years ago when I took him to see my old rink where I took my first lesson in NY. The rink was gone. The outside of the building was there and so was the sign but the ice had long melted. That loss was harder since my first ever lesson was there as well as the first one I ever taught. I just assumed though that I would have years to take my daughter to this rink. When I read the paper and saw why they were closing I felt more pissed than anything. The man who owns the building is practically doubling the rent on the rink managers. It is making it impossible for them to afford. There is also a pro-shop in the rink that is owned by a man named Hans. He has been there since I cam out here as a kid. I called this week to see what he will do and he said he will be out of business. He seemed shocked and upset about it. There were petitions and meetings but sadly this weekend will be the last skate for everyone.

20 months and 5 and a half years

I looked at the last time I did a summary of what my kids were up to and its been too long. They were 5 months and 4 years so I think they are due for a more recent update.

My sweet boy, you are full-on toddler now. Your face lights up each morning when it is time to go get your sister. When you see her, you climb into her bed, and give her a big kiss. Anywhere she goes you will follow. When she takes gymnastics and you see her out on the floor, you climb the little gate to yell to her. You scream "Aya" (your name for her) until she looks at you and waves. You run now, fast too. Sometimes it looks like you are throwing each leg out to the side before leaping to your next step. You love to smell flowers and when you ask for water you say"Ahh" as if you've already taken a sip.

You call me "Mama" and occasionally through the day you will list off all of us. "Mama, Dadda, Aya"
We started a music class together because you love music so much. When a song comes on at home or in a store or restaurant you start dancing to the beat. You are a friendly little boy when you are in a well rested good mood you will say"hello" or "hiya" to people.  You have 12 teeth now -- 4 on the top and 4 on the bottom, then a big gap on either side leading back to 4 lonely molars. We try to FaceTime with Grandma and Grandpa as much as we can, and you ask for "Ampa." You love showing them your toys and trucks so much that you have taken to grabbing the phone to "walk" them around. Sometimes they get dizzy but mostly the love it.

You are my sweet baby boy and I love you and your sister more than I could ever express in words. You are a Koala these days and wrap your arms around me tightly. I love it! You also bury your face in my hair and give me the best kisses. May you grow up healthy and strong and your sweetness only ripen!

My wonderful five and a half year old girl, You amaze me! You went off to the first day of Kindergarten a bit shaky but recovered from your nerves in lightning speed. You are thriving in school and love it so much. Every so often the goodbye in the morning is tricky, but if you could stay late everyday after school, you would. You have become good friends with a few sweet girls, and I am happy to see you enjoying your friends. You have a few 5th grade buddies and you love to run up to them whenever you see them on the playground. My friend calls you the mayor because you say hello to everyone. Can't imagine where you get that from. You are sweet, charming, funny, polite, and a pleasure to be with.

You are enjoying gymnastics more and more. You take it with a few school friends which is really fun. You sometimes plan to wear the same leotards so that you match during class. You love musicals and ask to be in one every time we see one. Maybe you can try that soon, even though that is your daddy's worst nightmare. You saw "Frozen" and loved the music so much it was played hundreds of times here and before long even daddy and your brother knew the words. You like games now which is so much fun for all of us. You are a good skater too and I enjoy getting to do that with you too. You are an incredible student at school so well behaved and so smart. You are in the top reading group and even one an academic prize of a free session of after school classes. You enjoy books and your bookshelf seems to get fuller and fuller by the week.

My girl, I am so lucky to have you. I am proud of you everyday. It feels you are getting older by the second and I can't steal enough time with you. You still like to cuddle and giggle with me everyday and I hope that never stops.  May you stay strong, confident and joyful as you are right now.

If I Had More Time

These are things I would likely do:

Study a foreign language

Travel to the country where they speak the language I studied

Write more

Take an improv class

Take an acting class

Go to therapy

Meditate, and then maybe I wouldn't need therapy

Go shopping by myself

Get acupuncture

Get a pedicure

Get my haircut

Work part time

Finish that children's book I have been working on forever

Start cooking dinner earlier each night

Find more dinner recipes to cook each night

When I read the news online, I would actually click the "more" button more often

Work out longer

Bake even more than I do

Organize my kitchen better

Clean out the junk drawer. It's bothering me.

Go through my daughters room and clear it of junk when she is at school.

Take the faded paper ball off the tree outside this window. It was from a party 5 months ago.

Facetime my family more.

Spend one on one time with each of my kids.

Spend one on one time with my husband.

See a movie

See my friends.

Read a whole book

Learn to knit

Practice better posture

Practice yoga more.

Practice patience more

If I had more time I would have finished this post 3 weeks ago when I started it!

Mini Golf

Winter break from my daughter's school was three whole weeks! We had some little trips planned here and there as well our close friends visiting from London. I had planned a lot of fun activities and with Christmas and New Years and a few sick days, the time seem to move right a long. Last week our friends had gone back home, my husband returned to work and it seemed that the city had begun to return back to reality except for the public schools.

While a lot of my friends complained about what they would do with their kids, I relished the last few days of getting to hang with Twig during a regular weekday. We went to the zoo, travel town, the merry go round, ice skating, trapeze, the movies, met friends, went to the park and she even got to do two mornings at a gymnastics camp. When there were a few hours here and there with nothing planned we ran errands together. While her brother napped she would grab some books, cuddle up and we would read and nap. It was a real vacation. A real vacation -with children.

There were a few times I felt suffocated by two small children never letting me take a shower on my own or walk in to another room. The moments in the car when they were both whining or crying about something were not easy. What started as a musical theater dream come true of singing "Frozen" duets together, became a daily soundtrack way over played. Attempts were made her to push my limit a few too many times, and last Monday the day she turned 5 1/2. I had to reset my line in the sand and put my foot down on whining. These times were outnumbered by the good times and last Friday, the last free weekday off, I wanted to squeeze inane more fun activity.

With the exception of a trip to the movie theater, everything we did was with my toddler in tow. This last day wasn't any different. I had no plan when I spotted the mini golf and arcade. I knew 5 was pushing it for a game of mini golf, but certainly my one year old could do some damage. I knew there was an arcade too so I pulled in explaining we could play a few games but not golf today. As we watched past the course, both kids stop to stare at the fountains and figures that surrounded them. As I pointed out the different holes, I suddenly had a very clear memory of the only time I had ever been there before.

Before meeting my husband, I was a serial dater. At first it was fun but at a certain point I decided I was actually looking for a future with someone. I had met people I had chemistry with but they had no long term potential. Or I met people with everything right on paper but no chemistry. Then I met this guy who seemed to have both. We spent all night talking the night we met. Chemistry was not in question, and we began to date. It wasn't that many dates in that we found ourselves at this mini golf course. It was his idea to go and I was impressed by the fun idea. It was spring, in the valley, and it was hot out. Neither of us lived in the valley and so I think the heat was strong for us. As we stood waiting for our turn behind a few kids finishing their puts, he turned to me and said "These are the two things I hate the most right here: the valley, and children." I laughed, but then very quickly realized he wasn't joking.

It was a difficult statement for me to swallow that day. I was very proud of myself for ending the date right then and explaining that we have a core difference between us. I have no problem being a valley hater ( although, I have come to like a lot about it lately) but hating children felt like such a punch in the gut. I was insulted and felt like anyone who could use such a strong word and feel so adamant against young people wasn't someone I wanted to associate with. He pleaded his case and I sat listening on the longest drive back from the valley ever. Ten or so years later I am standing staring at the very spot this comment was made with my two very loved children. It was a much better trip to the valley and no matter how cranky my kids get a drive home with them will always be more welcomed than without them.