Gifts We Give Our Kids

Getting in to the swing of the school year is uncomfortable for many of us. I still marvel at the kids who walk off to school on the first day with a new teacher, new kids and a new backpack then wave and walk away from their parent. That is not my child. Actually it might be my little one, but it is definitely not my girl.  She did better this year than I have ever seen her, but the first Monday back after the first weekend she was overcome with anxiety. She walked to her spot in the line and froze. She clenched my hand in hers and begged me to stay. When I said I couldn't she asked if I could get her at lunch, then maybe just 1:45, then she grabbed my hand harder and asked if she could please just come with me. She began crying then sobbing.

My first response is to try to calm her down, tell her it will be okay, and remind her that once she gets into the classroom she will have fun. We talk about the butterflies in her belly and that they can be there but they aren't allowed to take away her day of fun. She lets a few tears run down her face but does her best to walk into her room. I say goodbye and as I go towards the hall she screams after me out of her classroom. I hug her, calm her down, say goodbye, walk away again, and repeat. Twice she came after me, and it took so much strength on my part not to cry with her.

This is so familiar because this was me when I was a little girl. This is anxiety. It's genetic thus I have given her this gift and I wish I could take it back. I can't, so instead I am going to try my best to give her the tools that weren't given to me as a kid so that through her life she can feel like she can control her anxiety so that it doesn't control her. This is something I am still learning but as a team this family is starting to practice a bit more mindfulness, breathing and acceptance. It is absolutely a practice and not a magic trick but I am one determined mama. I can't take anxiety away from my child but I am without a doubt going to do my best to help her get through it. I want her to know she is not alone and that I totally understand. I want her to know I know how she feels because I still feel like that too sometimes. I have been reassuring her that worrying is an okay feeling, and that sometimes we worry about things that aren't real. I explained that it is up to us to figure out  the difference between what is really happening and what we are worried about happening. With her it is the moment she says goodbye she feels like the day will be so long and it will be too long before seeing me again. The reality is though when she gets into school she gets busy and time isn't an issue anymore when she is having fun.

We have had much better days since Monday. She is getting a little system down of putting her backpack on the hook then coming back to me for a hug before heading into her class. Little by little, day by day this will get easier. I went off to college in London for a semester, and when I got to my dorm I called my mom panicked and asked her if she could come if I needed her. She assured me she would, then later confided to me that of course she wouldn't have flown all the way to London. She said as soon as I heard she would come my breathing relaxed over the phone. She may not have gotten on a plane for me but learning what I needed to hear in that moment helped me tremendously. If I can pass that on to my daughter then Oh the places she will go...Just not overseas, thats too far.

American Girl

The doll that seems to be the "Cabbage Patch kid" for my daughters generation is an American Girl doll. No one is getting trampled outside Toys R Us like when I was a little girl, but little girls seems to want them just as badly. I was pleased when my daughter never seemed to notice them. She asked me once why there were older girls carrying dolls dressed identical to them, but it was more a "Isn't that weird, mama?," kind of question. That was before her friend from London (not American) came to visit us and brought her new American Girl doll. Since this little girl is my daughter's best friend, the doll suddenly got my daughter's attention.

The American Girl company was started by Pleasant Rowland, a former school teacher who wanted to create a line of dolls that represented American history. She started a small catalog-only business that was family owned. I read that she vowed to keep it that way as to keep it high quality and authentic.  Each doll came with a book that told the story of a girls role in that time period. The 18-inch doll was a success and history lessons were now available in a package that girls were excited about. After twelve years though, Pleasant Rowland sold her company. I guess vows get broken when Mattel offers to pay you $700 million dollars.

What was lost in that business deal was much more than a little catalog company. Little by little, the dolls gradually lost the historical richness they previously represented. A new line of friends were made. The idea that every girl in America could find a doll that looked like them was a marketing idea that Mattel ran with. The image of the company changes along with the look of the doll. You can always count on the Barbie makers to make the doll thinner than it was, the feet smaller, and the face more made up. A once female-owned company went to Mattel which has about eight board members and only one of them is a woman. So once again, a popular girls toy gets more focus on it's look and image than its empowering stories that made it appealing in the first place.

A friend told me that despite the company's issues the American Girl store is such a fun place for girls to go. She described it as warm and inclusive. I don't doubt that it is a dream come true for little girls to have a place to play and lunch with their dolls. The cost of everything in that store is anything but inclusive though. How does it represent America if only the wealthiest of people can afford it. The doll alone is $125. To get its ears pierced is $17 (which involves screwing a hole in its plastic head). The dolls used to be made out of high-quality vinyl, but are now hollower and made with thin plastic. The American Girl doll is also of course made in China. I have plenty of items made in China but it seems odd that a doll meant to celebrate American history would be produced in another country.

My daughter forgot about the doll for a few months but was reminded when she noticed another friend of hers had one. She liked how the had so many accessories and that she could care for them. I watched her with a Build-A-Bear doll that she got at a birthday party and saw that she actually played with it. I wondered if a I was depriving her of a doll experience. She had baby dolls but no dolls that represented her current age. She didn't want the doll for her birthday because she knew it cost so much and that she would only get that and that alone. She opted for a party. One day we went to Target for something else and she noticed the "Our Generation" dolls. They were the same idea as American Girl dolls but without the history part. I love the idea of learning history through play and especially if it is with the focus of a female story, but lets face it the American Girl company lost it's original goal years ago and what ti got replaced with was longer eyelashes and a skinnier frame.

When my daughter saw the dolls that were in Target, she really wanted one. I explained that they were not the same company but the same idea. She asked how much they were and when I told her that they were $27. She asked if she could have this kind of doll. I reminded her of the birthday present that she had already asked for and that if she wanted this instead she could have it. Or I offered that she could buy it with her own money. She went home counted up her coins and had over $40 in coins. I told her if we went to the bank to get papers to roll the money that we could return with the money to Target that same afternoon. When she returned to the store with her rolled coins in her hands she was so excited to pay for the doll herself. She handed the cashier her money and went home a very happy girl. That was over a month ago and she has played with that doll everyday since. When someone asks her if it is an American Girl doll, she says proudly that it is actually an Our Generation doll. Both products are the same height, the same concept and both give kids a lot of joy. She didn't end up learning much history, but she did learn a lesson in economics. It was the first time she learned anything about branding, advertising, and overseas production. She learned that consumers often buy into an expensive package and that you don't always have to. And that lesson is a valuable one.  

photo credit: Orit Harpaz

All By Myself....

I can't get that song out of my head. Except the words that follow, “Don't wan't to be.." don't apply as much in this case. Well, they kind of did this morning. This is my baby, my three year old baby's first day of preschool. I know, I will learn to embrace, appreciate and ultimately love three hours all to myself — but this morning was a shock. I have been with him, by his side, his whole life up to this point. He is a mama's boy for sure and we are pretty attached, so I wasn't sure how this whole first day would go. But he did great.

When I first introduced the idea to him, he asked if I was staying. Then when I said I wasn’t, he said he would be sad. I prepared him as best as I could and told him about new friends, teachers and things to play with. I read him books about little kids going off to school and saying goodbye and that the mama always comes back to hug and kiss them. Something clicked and my boy was so excited. He grabbed his lunch box this morning, put on his new little fox backpack and skipped his way out of our house. At school he smiled and said hello to everyone. My daughter walked him in with me and showed him that her new second grade class was right next door. We got to hang out for a bit and then it was time to walk her over to her class. I said we needed to say goodbye and he smiled waved and off we went. Shockingly, he was pretty chill.

I walked my daughter in and it was a well-organized classroom. We introduced ourselves to the teacher and on her own my daughter politely said, “Nice to meet you." She found her name on her desk and sat down. The parents didn't really stick around so I took their cue and gave her a hug and said goodbye. She was braver then I have ever seen her on a first day of school because I realized this is the first school she is attending for the second year in a row. She was excited to see her friends and start a new year. I walked out of the class and and let the tears flow.

It's hard to believe my kids are now going off to school together each day. He is only there for three hours so it isn't as if I can go start a new career or anything, but for the first time in almost eight years I am not pregnant, nursing, pushing a stroller, or holding a little hand. It is surreal and I did feel a bit lonely on the way home from dropping off. It will be an adjustment indeed but I have a feeling we will all get pretty comfortable soon.

Summertime!

Today is only the beginning of July and I feel like we have already gotten our summer groove going. For my daughter I signed her up for a few different camps. One week on and one week off until August and then we travel back to the East Coast. On the weeks off so far we have done museums, swim lessons, visiting friends and trips to the beach. It's been amazing to have a schedule that doesn't have us running out the door so early, and we are all really having fun.

I have to admit though I am tired. I keep my kids pretty busy in general and having two of them around is fun but exhausting. I like to swim and run around like they do, I just don't have the stamina to go for hours like they do. As usual, I am not great at leaving an activity when I should so we usually come home and I rush to get dinner going and then rush to get them to bed. It feels a little crazy and I need to slow down. After all, isn't that what summer vacation is all about?

Now it is August and the summer seems to be rapidly winding down. I am still tired but it has been a fantastic summer. We leave for two weeks for New York tomorrow and then the days are numbered before school begins. So this is my last bit of summer left to savor my two munchkins before the school routine pushes out the door every morning. Until then bring on the pancake breakfasts, beach days, ice cream and the sunshine. It's Summertime! For a few more weeks anyway.

Unfair!

I take my boy swimming twice a week at the Y. This is the single activity that he does right now that is not shared with his sister. He has made his own friends from this class and has learned to be with his peers as well as to swim. He has three close friends there, but recently one hasn't been lateley. My son kept asking for his friend and I meant to reach out to his babysitter but before I could I got a message from the babysitter to call her and that she had something important to discuss.

This boy's family has chosen a great woman to care for their kids. She is strong, loving and respects the family a lot -- and it shows. When I picked up the phone to call her back I couldn't imagine what was so important and had hoped that they were still working together. The couple, in addition to the two and half year old, had a new baby. I thought perhaps it got too much for the sitter to care for them both while at the gym. I was making up all sorts of possible scenarios, but nothing prepared me for what she told me. This little sweet boy has cancer. He was completely symptom free until they found some bumps around his thoracic region. They took him in and found his kidney to be completely covered by tumors.

As I sat on the phone listening to this woman tell me how strong and brave the little boy had been, I lost my breath and my tears blurred my eyes. How and why should this happen to someone so young? Someone so full of life, and so little time to have experienced it. This child was jumping into the pool and laughing with my boy just weeks before and now is stuck in a hospital bed. It isn't fair. It is human nature to look for answers when something terrible happens. I thought back to a child I know of who has Leukemia and that in his particular case he may have gotten it from an X-ray being done when he had another infection in his body. The radiation caused the cells to multiply. I immediately wondered if something happened to this little boy that could have caused his cancer, but there wasn't. Cancer is random and doesn't always have a reason for showing up. This just doesn't make sense to me. You can be the healthiest person or the smallest most innocent person, and still get the most fierce of illnesses.

The family has asked that everyone say a prayer for this little boy and wish him the healthiest of recoveries. He had one kidney successfully removed two weeks ago but it seems that the cancer has spread to his lungs as well. He has a break now from the poking and prodding at the hosptial and will be home for a bit before starting chemotherapy. This boy's smile is thawing to the sadness that accompanies his story. I pray that his spirit carries his body as gently as possible to what lies ahead.

Please see attached link if you would like to help Jack's family.

http://www.youcaring.com/mckenzie-o-neal-patrick-o-neal-356766#.VV65ZcOJSkg.email

Milking It!

There was not a lot with either of my pregnancies that went easily. From the time I conceived my daughter I was in pain. I had a small fibroid that was fighting for the blood supply from the fetus. It was an agonizing battle but after a month of nights doubled over uncertain if the pregnancy would actually stick, the fetus won and the pain went away. A week after that I began my Hyperemesis Gravedarum causing nausea and vomiting until week 16. At week 13 I had lost so much weight I went on a medication in hopes that it would stop the vomiting and help me gain weight. Instead it caused me to have jaw lock for a whole day. By then I was both dehydrated and exhausted. I definitely did not have the natural glow some women speak of during pregnancy. In fact I felt quite beaten up by the whole thing.

When I was pregnant with my son I knew what to expect so I didn't touch medication and I had an IV drip twice a week to prevent dehydration. I didn't have the fibroid problem, or have hours of jaw lock but I spent day after day throwing up. Each morning it felt like groundhog day and that time was not on my side. I developed much empathy for those who live with chronic illness or constant pain. Nothing in your life feels the same as it once did when you are distracted my the intensity of discomfort. I spent as many hours as I could upright with my then three year old daughter, and I took as much help as I could from friends and family. It was a difficult time for all of us, but I knew eventually it would end. Unlike truly ill people my suffering would hopefully result in something beautiful. With that hope I tried to keep my eye on the prize and stay as patient as I could.

I wouldn't say labor or birth was easy either time but they were relatively uncomplicated. Both babies took a while to get with the coming out part so I was late and labored long both times. It was challenging but manageable and I was able to have both births without pain medication. I wanted to avoid anymore medication complications since I seemed to be in the small percentage of people affected by all the warnings in the small print. I also wanted to try it naturally. It was not easy but I gave birth to two healthy children both of whom latched on to nurse straight away.  I am aware how difficult nursing can be in the beginning for so many new mothers, and I am sensitive to the feelings of wanting to breastfeed and not being able to, and how hard that must be. I did finally have one thing go easily and I was grateful, I was relieved, and I was in love.

Nursing was such a special gift of closeness between me and my babies. I loved how it was a built in quiet time several times in an otherwise hectic time of adjusting. It was amazing to me how my body was able to produce nourishment for this infant. I marveled at how calming it was for both of us during feeding times. I felt the oxytocin and it indeed gave me a wonderful blissful love for my babies. I was a big advocate for nursing and had no shame where I nursed. I didn't have the biggest boobs so I felt covered my my baby when nursing in public. I never had a fabric shade because I didn't want to hide my baby under it. I was proud and if anyone stared I stared back.

I nursed my daughter until she was two. I didn't plan on going that long in the beginning but as one approached I knew neither of us were ready to be done yet. When she was eighteen months I began to wean her. One feeding at a time and over the course of a few months she was weaned. My horomones post weaning went crazy and similarly to pregnancy I had a rare reaction. It took me a while to learn but I know now that my body is extremely sensitive to hormonal shirts. I should start praying now for what I will have to endure during menopause.

When my son turned two I began the same weaning process. More carefully this time and again with the knowledge that it might be challenging for me hormonally. I tried to drop a feeding and he was so resistant. I tried to change the times of when we nursed around but he was too stuck to his routine. I let it go to revisit a few months later. At that point I nursed him three times a day and no matter how many ways I tried I was unsuccessful at dropping one. We also kept moving then. Four moves in a year and a half so all the changes were excuses to keep something the same for him. Suddenly it seemed he was two and half. I was then ready to push for one less feeding and eventually got down to a single one before bed. He treasured that time though and no pun intended but he milked it. He would drag it out so long to the point that I was more than ready to end it. I was stuck for a while on how but with his third birthday coming I knew it was time.

My husband and I went away for a weekend. A necessary first for both of us, but a hard first for my kids. My son surprised us though. I prepped him and explained that he will be three when we get back and that he won't need to nurse anymore. I pointed out babies nursing and explained how they needed it but big boys got to eat real food and even candy. He was staying with my sister in law and nephews and when we called in to say hello he would say "I'm not sad, I a big boy." When we came home that Sunday he told us that he was a big boy and that he doesn't nurse. We were impressed but when we got home that night he went right to the chair to nurse and begged. It was so hard for both of us that night to accept that things change and that babies grow up. He pleaded, and determined to stay strong I explained that he was big now. He cried and said that he wasn't three yet and that his birthday wasn't yet so he was still two and half. So young and already so good at arguing. We made it through that night without nursing, and we haven't since. He is officially weaned. We both are doing very well. He still asks for it, but knows its over. I hold him and cuddle a lot now. We are both going to need a bit more time accepting babyhood is over. In the end I am proud I nursed as long as I did. As this chapter of my life comes to a close I will remember the start of motherhood sweetly and hope that if new mothers after me want to and are able to nurse I hope it will offer them the same joy.

First Grade Finale!

It's mind blowing to me how rapidly this school year flew by.  I can't believe my girl is almost through with first grade. She started out on that first day so afraid, and with tears in her eyes she braved the first day in a new school as the only new kid in her class. It took her a month or so to admit she liked it, but she would add not as much as last year. By December she admitted to be though that she liked her new school even more than last year.

It took me time to warm up to the school as well. I held the experience at our previous school in very high regard, so in the beginning all I did was compare the elements that weren't like that. I also came around to like this school better for many reasons but especially because of the sense of community. There is just something about Culver City that makes you feel welcome. I appreciated that being the newbies this year. The city itself has so many community events that are created with families in mind.

One thing that I was afraid we would never be able to replicate from last year was the amount of school spirit from the teachers and students. Last year there was an assembly every Friday and kids would wear their school shirts. I was disappointed to learn that at this school there would be an assembly only once a month. What I didn't know though was how many spirit days, and activities and events would be happening in between.

She had crazy hair day, sports team day, pajama day, tropical day, jog-a-thon and hat day. She was in the school choir and they performed a few times throughout the year. They had several movie nights, when kids would come in PJ's and bring sleeping bags. They got to go on field trips, they had science night, game night, and bingo night.  Each grade focuses on a different social studies unit and for first grade they learned how to square dance as part of their unit. If that wasn't enough they had a family Sports day.  The school earlier in the year was divided into "families"grouping a teacher with a child or two from each grade giving the kids an opportunity to meet teachers and students from the whole school. On Family sports day each team wore a different color and competed and relay's and played games.

Her confidence has grown and her academic accomplishments have soared. She was student of the month the first month of school but what came after that was what was so impressive to me. Her classroom has a bunch of kids that love to read and that passion is contagious apparently. She will read sometimes two full chapter books a night. I have to go tell her to turn her light off so she can go to bed. She loves writing and math and comes home each day and diligently does her homework.  She worked hard each week on spelling words and as a result has gotten 100% on every test. She loves school and is sad that this year is almost over.

I was never like this and am so happy to see that my negativity and procrastinating leaning didn't rub off on her. She accomplished so much this year and I am so proud of her. I am beyond impressed with her abilities, determination and  joae  d viv. There is no lack of school spirit, not in my girl anyway.