Ted Talkers

In one week, three of my female friends shared with me that they were asked to give a TED Talk. TED stands for technology, entertainment and design.  The talks are produced by a non profit organization and their slogan is "Ideas worth spreading." A guest speaker gets up in front a of a live audience and delivers a speech on their area of expertise. If you haven't seen one you should pick any interesting subject and watch one because they are all well done and very educational. If you want to see three of my friends their talks i am sure will impress you too. They impressed me, so much so that I began to wonder if there was anything I could offer a TED talk.

One friend works in non profit making sure minorities and immigrants get treated well in their workplace (here is the link to her TedX talk, picture below). Another started an organization that gives micro loans to women in Africa to start their own businesses. My third friend will be giving her talk this weekend and she is a heart surgeon, who works part time so she can also juggle being a mom and her singer/songwriting career. I have some busy, smart friends. I would like to say they can swing all these important missions because they have chosen careers over children but only one of the three doesn't have kids. One even has three boys all under the age of five.

I have made the choice to dedicate my time to being a full time mom and I am sure soon enough when my kids don't seem to need me quite so much I will be missing this time with them. I have absolutely no regrets. I do wonder though what I will do when they are both in school full time. I don't want to fill my day with errands and wait for the school bell to ring and pick them up. I want to do something a bit more important, a bit selfless, a bit more helpful. It doesn't have to be TED talk worthy, but it should equal it's importance if even in a small way.

I called a friend to share the news about my smart high achieving friends. I confessed to her that I felt my life work felt a little dull in comparison to trophys  earned from their accomplishments, She reassured me that I had many things I could give a TED talk on right now. When I asked her to give me an example she said she would but she had to get off the phone and she will call me back. My head began to wonder. Prior to moving to LA I worked in the world of social change. I was in my late teens and early twenties participating in creative projects all around NYC teaching about race and ethnicity. I believed I could change the world and looking back I still believe we made a small difference talking to kids about intolerance. I have always known I would go back to this line of work but feel rusty and out of practice. Mostly I am afraid of teenagers now since I am so much older than them now. They intimidate me.

As for now, I still have little ones so I can ignorantly go about my errands until I am ready to make a change. I could give a talk on how I think parents should throw away most of their parenting books and just follow their instincts. I could speak about how just paying attention to your kids can work wonders for your kids self esteem. I could share how a hug can help fix almost anything, but these things everyone knows...right? I still await the phone call from my friend on what she thinks I could give a TED talk on. If there are any good ideas I will let you know.

A Responsibility

The first thought I have when I think about what my job is as a mother is to love my children. Of course it goes much deeper than that, and there are many more details to parenting, but I keep seeing this image of myself hugging my children. There are so many conflicts, frustrations challenges that all get resolved and the final finishing note is a hug. It doesn't cure all and it certainly can't fix everything, but it can help soften the blows a bit.

Recent current events have been horrifying. The trend of shootings in our world is a disgusting one. I really didn't think this would still be going on with this kind of frequency.  It is difficult to see the future for my children without having to teach them some protective measures and "what if's" as they get older. My daughter is seven though and my son still just three. Neither knows of any violonce in the world. My daughter knows what war is, but only in the most general of ideas. Recently some military officers came to talk to her class about service, patriotism, etc. My knee jerk reaction was to be furious and that talking to children about gaining higher ranks in the military is the begining of recruiting. It glorified the job of "fighting for your country" and that they shouldn't have been allowed to speak to our children without permission. I spent a bit more time with the issue I had and realized that what was really bothering me was that it is my job to teach my children about war. Or is it?

As news soundbites come on the radio, or through people talking, or subtitles on a tv when we are out somewhere, very soon the questions will come. What is a shooting? Where did that happen? Will thathappen here? Or the most difficult question: Why mommy? I won't really have an answer for that one, because together with so many people we are all trying to figure that out. In the meantime I hope that when she sees or hears such horrible news that my husband and I are the ones she is hearing it from. For now she is so innocent and we love that she is still blissfully ignorant. I know those days will come to an end soon enough, and so they are precious.

It has been said by many that thoughts and prayers are not what is needed through these dark times. That the thoughts should be shifted to how we can change this problem and the prayers should be for peace.  I was driving alone last night and listening to the radio when I spotted a billboard. It didn't have any words just a picture of a gun made out of rainbow sprinkles. Who exactly is this picture supposed to appeal to? I was in Hollywood where billboard after billboard appears before you even can digest one there are five more in front and behind it, but so many glorify violence. Hollywood specifically glorifies gun violence. Where is the movement to quiet that down?

So with more shootings, the more likely we will be having conversations soon. I am sure when the idea of violence or war becomes less broad and she learns that each victim victim was family to someone, or that they didn't do anything to deserve something so awful, the questions and emotions will pour in. I don't think I can imagine the end of that conversation with anything  to take away such ugliness or protect her from realty. I can and will though make her feel as safe as I can, and I cant imagine what would do that more than a hug.

Homebody

My husband and I both like to get up and go. We have never sat around the house in our pajamas on the weekends. We both have too many things we want to do and see. Especially since having kids and being limited to nap and bedtimes we feel and even bigger pull to get our days going on the weekends. Lately though I am always asking myself why I am so tired and why our schedules are so full. I have been craving just chilling at home. Except I am not really sure how to do it. I am really out of practice.

 Checking errands off your to do list shouldn't mean you are accomplished. There is this race daily to do everything you can humanly possibly get done in one day, resulting in utter exhaustion. I wonder why I am so tired by the end of the day. Sure, I have small kids who get up early, but I am also exercising, reading the news, trying to make healthy food, put together some decent outfits and get out the door all by 8 am. By the time I get to my alone time I typically have just under two hours to check an errand off my list. It not exactly carefree. First I pick up my little one and then a few hours after that I pick up the other one. When we all finally get home it's the homework and dinner club. Just to add a bit more chaos to the mix every few days we have some extra curricular activity to attend to as well. I am beginning to feel like the idea of balance in life is a myth.

I strive to have my life be calmer, less complicated, and less stressful, but there is a fine line between simpler and boring. I have a friend who comes home with her kids everyday after school. No play dates, no activities, they do homework maybe watch some tv eat dinner and go to bed. It works for them. Then I have friends whose kids are in competitive sports or dance, that go two days a week and one day on the weekend. They eat dinner on the fly and I guess do homework before bed. We are somewhere in the middle and there are days where that even feels too much. 

   When I plan out my day, I forget to account for all the distractions. From the minute I wake up I think I have a set amount of time but then a text comes in, or I have to forward an email to my daughters classroom, or my child doesn't want to wear the shoes Ive already tied on. In this day of having cell phones be the biggest addiction I have ever had, I have a love hate relationship with technology.  I think our kids probably hate seeing them in our hands all the time too. I read that using our phones is nit unlike smoking was in the 60's. Just like people learned that smoking was bad for them then we know that using our cell phones can be not only dangerous to talk on near our heads but also a complete distraction from the people closest from us. I read "Hands Free Parenting" and loved the message but I can't put my phone down just like everyone else.  I'm hooked. "Stop The Insanity"

As I sit here and write this, I have stopped so many times due to technological interruptions. I try to over compensate my meditating everyday, but something about this seems so ironic. So I have made a pledge to myself just to be a bit more mindful about being chill. Staying home a little bit more at a time. Taking down time. Playing with my kids, and just being present. I am really enjoying my kids right now. Seven and three are pretty sweet ages. I want to soak them in, with minimal beeps and buzzes to pull me away. Yesterday I took an afternoon walk in the rain with my boy. He was so excited to wear his rain boots. I purposely left the phone at home. It felt good to be free of it, and anyway the rain could have gotten it wet. Then what?

Student Of The Month

My daughter received the Student of the Month award! I am proud of her and excited that she is recognized for her work at school. She wanted this award last month, the first month at school, but instead her friend deservingly got it. Both girls, are the "student of the month" type. They are extreamly well behaved, studious, focused, quiet in class, and smart. It was even predictable that the two of them would be the first to get this award at the start of school. Last year, when they were in different classrooms they both stood next to each other with the award during the first school assembely.

Last year when I was new to the school and recieved a note home that she would be recieving this award, I was also excited for her. I quickly realized though that only 9 kids per year in each class would be rewarded with this. We had come from a school before that had an assembley every week and gave out two principal awards per class per week. By the end of that year everyone had got one at least once, or in my daughters case three times.

I am not sure every kid should always be a winner, but rewards systems are flawed. When my daughter started preschool there was a chart with red, yellow, and green on it. Each kid had their names on clothes pins and if they got a warning they moved to yellow, if they continued to misbehave they got a red. I hated this system. Especially the day that I came to school and found my own child's name on red. She didn't even get a warning they had said, because she loved to climb and she had climbed up the fence that leads out of the play area. She had also influenced her friend to do the same. That was the first and last red she ever got in preschool, and I didn't find it misbehaving as they did. I was impressed at her climbing skills, but reminded her that it wasn't allowed, nor was it safe. I was happy to learn though that a year later the preschool replaced the chart with a marble system for when kids did things well, as opposed to pointing out what they did wrong all the time.

I know that as adults we earn rewards all the time for doing things the "right" way. We also get penalized when we do things wrong as well. There are plenty of incentives for good behaviour for grown ups, so I know the lessons to be learned from rewards are not all bad. That being said though, there are a lot of people in the middle who just don't get recognized. The really obedient, but shy child who never raises their hand in class might not ever get to be student of the month. Or the enthusiastic, bright child who is so excited to learn that he can't stop talking. Or that child who has behavior issues that has therapy practically everyday, or worse that child with behavior issues who has no help at all. These kids aren't likely to be student of the month either.

I don't think getting an award like this is life changing, or that important in the grand scheme of a child's life, but for those kids so rarely recognized it can make a huge difference. Think about those kids who are given up on so quickly in their education because of misbehavior. I know that there are amazing teachers out there who say that no matter how challenging it is they can find something wonderful in each child. If that something wonderful was nourished and encouraged all year than ever child would deserve an award.

The day my daughter did not the award and it went to her friend instead, she sat down next to me and told me that her friend was student of the month. I tried to stay as neutral as possible not sure where her emotions were headed. I said "Oh, that's nice, how do you feel about it?" She said she was proud for her. The next thing I heard was my daughter sniffling. When I looked at her she asked through tears, why she didn't get the award. I reminded her that she had run out of class after me a few times in the first month of school and maybe that is why she didn't get it. She immediately stopped crying and said "Oh, right."  For her putting her best foot forward is so important, it also comes very naturally to her. I was happy to see though that the award ceremony had some kids called up who were not the typical "student of the month" kids. Including one of my daughters close friends who is now in another class. He talks a lot but is indeed a passionate, enthusiastic, caring, and sensitive student. I was grateful that he got an award. When he got his award last month I was front and center cheering him on with his mom. He was so shocked and excited that it had me almost believing in this award. Almost! That being said, I am proud that my daughter for continuing her diligence, hard work  and her new ability to stay in her classroom after I say goodbye to her at school.  That alone deserves recognition!

Disconcerting News

My pregnancy was becoming more real to me with each day. We had seen the heartbeat at two visits, we saw the shape of the baby's body starting to form, we even got to take home some ultrasound photos. With each week though my vomiting got more severe. I started the medicine pump shortly after my 9 week check up.  It seemed to help within a day or so. It didn't take away all of the discomfort but I felt more like I had mild motion sickness which was welcomed.  I started to feel better. The medication stopped the vomiting...it also likely stopped the pregnancy.

When I went in for my twelve week check up, my husband and I joked about what color the baby's eyes might be, but I was distracted. Every appointment I had when I was pregnant was nerve-racking. I would hold my breath until I saw the heartbeat and heard everything was growing normally. When our doctor on this visit walked in and asked how we were, I actually responded by saying, “Nervous." He preceded carefully and began the ultrasound. His first word out of his mouth was "unfortunately" and the rest of whatever he said sounded like a slow motion, dizzying mess of words. I just remember my husband's arm around me, and that I grabbed my doctor's hand, as if to plead with him to give me different news. The next thing I did was to take off the port and pull out the needle attached to me. I didn't need this pump anymore. I hated wearing it, and so I wouldn't keep it attached to me one second more than I needed to. With a little time and a lot of questions, I learned that our baby's heart stopped beating just a few short days after the pump going in. Needing something to blame I gave all responsibility of this loss to the medication. It just seemed to obvious.

I had to have a D&C in the hospital because the fetus was too big to have the procedure in my doctor's office. This allowed me to also have a pathology report done on the baby. I learned that the baby was missing a chromosome and that even if it survived it would have been severely learning disabled and physically stunted. I looked at my healthy daughter and thought of how many miracles have to line up to create the healthy cells that result in a healthy baby. I was grateful that I made her and she was okay. My doctor said it was unlikely the medicine hurt the baby, and that it would be hard to prove anything if it did. I still wondered though. I researched some stories online and found one or two, but not many. After some time though, I set my sights on getting pregnant again. I wanted to move on, I wanted a baby, I wanted to get pregnant, and this time I would endure any illness without medication.

Once again I began getting sick, losing weight, and became dehydrated. Set on not taking Zofran, I agreed to go to my doctor's office to receive a fluids IV twice a week. My pregnancy wasn't fun, and it wasn't pretty — but I survived it. I also got a healthy seven pound baby boy, so with that I happily put pregnancy behind me. Forever. I never again thought about Zofran, because I didn't want to. It does re-open a wound though, to know that the medication could have indeed cost us a baby. Upon finding more out about a class action case against the manufacturers of Zofran, I decided not to participate in the law suit. I have everyone who I was meant to have in my family. Placing blame will not bring a baby back. I don't want a settlement check. I have my family now and I am more than content with that. I will however make it my mission to ensure that I speak out against taking Zofran while pregnant. It is still being prescribed to pregnant women, and I know well the desperation to feel better, but this is not a solution.  I don't know of any other ways to get through a rough pregnancy, but there is a huge prize at the end and it's worth waiting for.

My Time At the Y

A few months ago I wrote about some wisdom my husband had gleaned from a yoga class at the local Y. I finally had some time to take a class on my own, since my boy goes to preschool there for a few hours. I couldn't fit in a yoga class that worked with my schedule, so last week I tried water fitness. I have done this in other places before, so I knew I was likely to be the youngest participant. But I had no idea what a wild class I was stepping into. Like anything else one tries for the first time, I spent half of the time trying to figure out if I liked it. Then I assessed if it is a good fit for my level of fitness, and then once those two things were decided, I commited to giving it a full chance. This class threw me though. I had such conflicting responses to whether I liked it, or if it was good for me.

Indeed I was the youngest person in the pool. Other than the obvious fact that water aerobics is not hard on your joints, I can't figure out why it mostly appeals to older people. This particular class was no joke. If done correctly this was an intense workout. We were making some waves (at least a few of us were). There were some delicate grandmotherly ladies in the pool barely making but a ripple, but the charisma around them made up for it. The diversity in this part of town is one of the things I love about it. Old, young, black, white, rich, poor, and fit and not -- it was all in the pool that day. Well, except for the young. They come to class after the seniors for parent and me swim, which up until a month ago is where you would find me in the pool. This class is a whole other world from that. Although I was welcomed by a grandma that used to take her grandchild to that class with me, she was the only familiar face in the pool.

I got a lot of funny looks by my classmates. One gentleman joked that I should stop being so energetic. I told him I would tone it down, and he said "Yes please, like the rest of us." Another woman told me that I was too skinny to be in the class. I guess she didn't hear the news that working out isn't just for weight loss anymore. A woman nearby the grandmother that I knew asked her if I were her daughter.  Someone else asked me if I would be coming regularly. Everyone seemed so shocked by me being there. I found this most entertaining.

The instructor was so bizarre though. If anything would stop me from going back it would be him. He was so intense. He was more like a preacher than a teacher. I wouldn't mind this if his sermon was a bit more inspirational but his message was delivered in weird phrases. For example, he kept saying, "You don't need friends, you need your health." I beg to differ. You most definitely need both of those things. He also said if you are sitting at home lunching with your friends that won't help you stay out of the hospital. Now I know his audience might take more trips to the hospital but still, lunching friends is crucial to one's health. He had enthusiasm, I will give him that. He definitely had me working hard, while entertained, those two things alone is worth going back for another try.

At the end of the class the mom's with toddlers began trickling in by the pool. My new senior pals cooed at all the little ones. They used to do this with me when I came with my son, but no one seemed to recognize me without him by my side. It's interesting how much less attention you get when you are without a child. It can feel lonely and odd, without my boy around.  There is only a short amount of time and many ways I can spend it, so I have to pick and choose wisely.

Gifts We Give Our Kids

Getting in to the swing of the school year is uncomfortable for many of us. I still marvel at the kids who walk off to school on the first day with a new teacher, new kids and a new backpack then wave and walk away from their parent. That is not my child. Actually it might be my little one, but it is definitely not my girl.  She did better this year than I have ever seen her, but the first Monday back after the first weekend she was overcome with anxiety. She walked to her spot in the line and froze. She clenched my hand in hers and begged me to stay. When I said I couldn't she asked if I could get her at lunch, then maybe just 1:45, then she grabbed my hand harder and asked if she could please just come with me. She began crying then sobbing.

My first response is to try to calm her down, tell her it will be okay, and remind her that once she gets into the classroom she will have fun. We talk about the butterflies in her belly and that they can be there but they aren't allowed to take away her day of fun. She lets a few tears run down her face but does her best to walk into her room. I say goodbye and as I go towards the hall she screams after me out of her classroom. I hug her, calm her down, say goodbye, walk away again, and repeat. Twice she came after me, and it took so much strength on my part not to cry with her.

This is so familiar because this was me when I was a little girl. This is anxiety. It's genetic thus I have given her this gift and I wish I could take it back. I can't, so instead I am going to try my best to give her the tools that weren't given to me as a kid so that through her life she can feel like she can control her anxiety so that it doesn't control her. This is something I am still learning but as a team this family is starting to practice a bit more mindfulness, breathing and acceptance. It is absolutely a practice and not a magic trick but I am one determined mama. I can't take anxiety away from my child but I am without a doubt going to do my best to help her get through it. I want her to know she is not alone and that I totally understand. I want her to know I know how she feels because I still feel like that too sometimes. I have been reassuring her that worrying is an okay feeling, and that sometimes we worry about things that aren't real. I explained that it is up to us to figure out  the difference between what is really happening and what we are worried about happening. With her it is the moment she says goodbye she feels like the day will be so long and it will be too long before seeing me again. The reality is though when she gets into school she gets busy and time isn't an issue anymore when she is having fun.

We have had much better days since Monday. She is getting a little system down of putting her backpack on the hook then coming back to me for a hug before heading into her class. Little by little, day by day this will get easier. I went off to college in London for a semester, and when I got to my dorm I called my mom panicked and asked her if she could come if I needed her. She assured me she would, then later confided to me that of course she wouldn't have flown all the way to London. She said as soon as I heard she would come my breathing relaxed over the phone. She may not have gotten on a plane for me but learning what I needed to hear in that moment helped me tremendously. If I can pass that on to my daughter then Oh the places she will go...Just not overseas, thats too far.