I'll Be The Judge

Parenting and judgment ride along side each other more often than they should. As a former babysitter I should go back and apologize to my old clients for the judgment I had of the parenting styles they all had. I of course never expressed any of my opinions to them, but internally I had my own ideas of what they should be doing. Then of course I had my own child and quickly learned that this responsibility was no joke.

I had many friends who after having kids were running for the bookshelves to read every book on parenting out there. Some chose methods that resonated for them, and then by that book followed all the rules. I had others that seemed to do whatever seemed to feel right and if that meant chocolate chips for breakfast they seemed okay with that. I felt and still do feel somewhere in the middle. I have some styles that I connect with but nothing enough to go "that way or the highway." I also feel the right to change my mind as a I go along.

I was curious to see how my friends saw me as a parent. Without a negative judgment but more a comment on styles I feel I could peg which one of my friends raises their kids most similarly to me. I can also see what I don't do, and see what I wish I could do more of. Some people would think I am a little granola in the way I parent. I breastfeed so long, the food I feed them which more often than not is a plant based organic homemade meal, or that they don't get a lot of screen time, or most recently people think I am anti-vaccine, because I haven't given my kids all of the recommended vaccines.

Not a single one of these things though is a hard fact about me. I do breastfeed a long time but not on principal. I am glad my kids have been breastfed but if I couldn't I would have had to choose a formula that would have sustained them, because thankfully there is formula when one can't nurse.  I do have thoughts on the dairy industry and that milk might not be so good for humans, but in true non judgment hypocrisy we like cheese here! Plant based organic is a fancy way of saying mostly meatless and without pesticides please. I love cooking and yet I am not a huge fan of cooking meat. On occasion though you will find us knawing on slow braised ribs. And on the vaccine thing, I am not and have never been anti-vaccine, I just did it slower than most everyone I know.

My reasons for choosing the path I did with vaccines is because when there is some evidence that there are some children that have been affected negatively with timerasol, mercury and other preservatives used to stabilize vaccines, I was hesitant to put that in to a newborn baby. So we waited until our baby was a bit older and stronger. We also had an off-the-charts smaller infant and toddler so again, we waited. Luckily for us more and more evidence came out over time that some of these preservatives could be harmful so they were removed from vaccines. I don't want to stand on principal or on a soapbox about this topic. I do believe parents have the right to choose for their child within reason. What I think is reasonable compared to some extreme super liberal mom or some super conservative mom will be different though. I do know that when the envelope is pushed too far extreme situations happen, and diseases returning to threaten our children after decades of being gone is extreme.

There is my "trying so hard not to judge" rant. I am pretty okay being labeled as whatever type of parent you want after reading this. I will try and not label anyone else out there and I leave an open mind to how one wants to parent. I have a hard time believing any parent can knowingly keep kids unprotected, so there must be a lot I don't know about. I'm okay with the level of ignorance I have right now, since I am also okay with what I know.

Once A Week

Every Thursday I take my son to a class that is held at my friend's house. The class is called Outside The Box and it truly lives up to it's name. Today midway through the class I was sitting with my son under a moon blanket, which is basically the silver safety blankets that I have always seen wrapped up but never opened. We had it wrapped over us like a tent as we played with two light up balls. We watched the colored lights reflect against the silver blanket. It was in that moment that I had one of those "I love this class"-feelings. This happens almost every week with this class.

My son, the second child, really only has this one class that I take him to. The rest of the week is spent toting him around to gymnastics, school and play dates for his sister, or running errands and the occasional park trip if he is lucky. I signed him up for a library story time which we have missed the last two weeks. It is okay but it is really just me and the nanny crew. I don't mind skipping it but Thursdays I go out of my way to take him to this class. It is a bit of everything all in one. There is singing, sign language, art, tactile activities, physical activities and some new surprise every week.

Octavia is the owner and I remember when I had my daughter, I had a leinthy talk with her on the phone about her classes, how she started them and, how they benefited the kids. I was fascinated. Little did I know at that point how special this class would be to my kids and to me. I took my daughter to a class that was given at a private house that someone hosted. When I walked in to this woman's beautiful class I realized pretty quickly how familiar she looked. Turns out we had met at a hospital tour and then again while interviewing a pediatrician. She and I have been friends ever since.

My daughter loved class and it was by far my favorite activity to bring her to. You never knew if you would be watching your kid swim (or in my case eat) a vat of jello, or learn how to count to five in five languages. The begining and end of class was always consistent and the part in between was always a surprise. I made such great friends with these women and we kept the class going until our kids went to preschool. The friendships lasted though and we stayed connected. Many of them went on to have second children two years later. They started the class up again for the siblings and I hadn't really been aware of it since I waited a bit to have my second. When he was one though my friend told me to bring him for class. When I walked in and saw so many familiar faces, in the same place, with the same music,  but with new kids, I felt a little emotional. It was so familiar and comfortable except that the babies we originally did this with were all in school.

The first time I brought my boy he was a little too young for the group but then we tried it a few months later and he his completely holding his own. He absolutely loves this class. He walks in the door, grabs his key (which is a weekly part of the class to give the teacher your key at the beginning shows that you are ready for class), and then he sits down on the rug and waits. He understands how this class works and feels comfortable in the group which allows him to be himself.

With all the moving we have just done and will continue to do, this class is not close to us anymore. I thought the last session would be it for us, but when it came time to sign up again, I just couldn't resist doing another session. I couldn't actively decide to take something my child seems to enjoy so much and stop doing it. In the first few weeks when I was trying to adjust to our new surroundings I had spent so much time without seeing any of my friends. When I walked into class that Thursday I realized how important it was for both of us to be in this class. In a time when our home keeps changing, its nice to walk in and feel right at home in this group.

A New Year

A few of my friends have had a pretty bad 2014. Some for lack of income and some for lack of luck, either way they wanted to do everything to insure that 2015 was going to be abundant, or at the very least a lot better than last year. One of these friend's is an atheist and the other is pretty spiritual. So while one sets her intentions and hopes for the year the other one is pretty sure it can't be as bad as last year and so it's inevitable it will be better.

In the past I would have leaned more towards the spiritual side and "put it out there" that I want to see certain changes come to fruition. I would have wrote a list, maybe burned an orange candle, I would have visualized myself in the place I would want to be in the future. I haven't entirely stopped believing in positive thinking, I just feel less positive of what to visualize these days.

I keep a daily list of five things I am grateful for everyday. I write these things right before I go to bed. Sometimes the list is longer than five and sometimes I count to four and can only come up with "I am so happy I am in bed now" as number five.  Perhaps it's a combination if being aware of how abundant I really am, in conjunction with how busy that keeps me from pining after a different life. Sure there are some things I would like to tweak, but my present day complaints are so fleeting because they are related to my ever changing children. That fact alone makes me realize how precious the here and now actually is.

If I had to quickly answer what I want for myself these days, it would be more sleep, more time to work out and a few creative successes -- a year to make me feel like I have some semblance of a career.  It doesn't take me long though to realize that two out of those three will come so fast. I am in the thick of toddlerhood with my little boy. He is on the verge of not being so dependent on me. With each day I see the struggle that he and I both have with these big changes. There is also my six year old who comes home form school everyday a bit more mature. She lost her front tooth a few weeks ago and now when I see pictures of her smile pre toothless gap, I get a pang of sentimental sap for my little girl that is growing up so fast.  A time will come that I will pine for the mess, and the noise they are making and the time they are taking from me.

So instead of a list this year, or an image of myself balancing a job and two kids, I want to practice more acceptance of what is than what isn't. There is a lot on my plate, and I have never been amazing at multi tasking. So I know what it is I do well and right now that is being full time entertainer, chef, nurse, sleepwalker, room parent, present wrapping, chauffer, servant extraordinaire. I still have someone who wants me to hold him all the time, so before I wish for more free time on my hands to do other things I need to hold him a bit tighter, a bit longer, and bit more whole hearted. For my little girl just went back to school after two weeks off and I almost cried. We had such a great winter break, filling the time with a mixture of fun activities and staying in our pjs later than usual. I loved having her around that it was hard to say goodbye that first Monday back. I have my work cut out for me with these two, but I can see that these are the good old days happening right now, so that alone makes it a very happy new year!

Innocence Project

Lately, I have been listening to Serial like the rest of the world did a few months ago. My husband and I started it together but after a few nights of listening he lost interest. I had to hear the rest of the episodes but haven't had much time since I am limited to times when my kids are not awake, or my husband and I aren't watching something else on T.V. I am learning to squeeze in listens on headphones at odd times. When I am making lunch for my daughter, cooking, and getting ready for bed. I figured out that if I turn it up loud enough I can hear it while using my electric toothbrush. Thats two minutes right there.

I sometimes question, what would be ok for my son at two and half, could hear since he only understands so much. I can still play talk radio in the car for short periods of times because I think most of it goes over his head. I thought about listening to Serial with him around but I am not willing to take a chance that he absorbs any violence, plus he wouldn't let me enjoy it. The window has closed for my daughter to listen without understanding. She picks up on a lot these days, and has a lot of questions which brings me to how innocent she actually is right now.

At six and half, she can understand a lot. She has pretty deep conversations with us and there are quite a few things in the world around her that aren't pretty that she is aware of. I realize though how much is kept from her too. She knows a lot about the sad in the world but very little about the bad. She sees her fair share of homeless people and knows that they don't have a place to go at night that is warm, and that they are likely hungry. She is thoughtful, sensitive and giving when people are needy around her and often encourages us to share food or money when we can. She knows a bit about natural disasters and what has happened to people when disaster strikes. She knows about Martin Luther King and knows that racism existed before he came and fixed it all. She doesn't know it still exists. She knows sometimes life isn't fair and that people don't always get what they want. Well, maybe that last one is a work in progress, but she understands it to be true at least.

She doesn't know about hate crimes, school shootings, suicide bombers, 911, the holocaust, Bosnia, Rwanda, the KKK, Skinheads, ISIS, and many many more. This past week when terrorists walked into a meeting at Charlie Hebdo and murdered a room full of satirical cartoonists it was all over the news. Saturday when I took the paper out to read she sat down next to me. Her love of reading is amazing to us and opens her up to the world. Most of the time this is great, but this time, I wanted to keep her sheltered. The front cover showed a picture of a fire caused during the aftermath reactions and during the hostage situation. She began to read the headline and I insinctvly pulled away the paper. I gave her the real estate section with pictures and asked her to look for a house. She didn't want to play along -- she wanted to know about the fire. Like most humans, she was attracted to the taboo shocking stuff. I somehow deterred her, but soon enough she will learn and she will know.

Our little boy likes foxes. He can't pronounce the x sound though so he says "fuck" which is hilarious to us of course. Twig will laugh along and also repeat it, which already sound more disturbing coming from her mouth than his. She is of the age where some of her peers are aware of curse words, again she is still innocent in this department, and again not for long. I clearly remember learning about some of the violent acts that took place in our history. I remember specifically seeing pictures of lynchings in the south and also when I watched footage from the holocaust. I remember sitting with my dad and the weight of it shocking me. I remember standing up because it was to much to bear sitting down. I asked him repeatedly as I watched thin naked bodies being buried in piles, how could anyone have let this happen. How did it get so far?  At times my ignorance today isn't that far from my daughter's, because if we walk around thinking things like the holocaust don't still exist than we are all in the dark.

I pray that the world grows more peaceful as my children grow up but history shows that the world as beautiful as it is has some awful dark sides too. None of us truly know how to make it better, but we do what we can and try. For now, when I go in to kiss my girl goodnight I have to pause the Serial coming in to my head until I walk back out again. I want her to remain innocent as long as possible. Once she learned all of this, the world will always look different to her. What she will do with this awareness will be interesting to see, but I am going to keep that at bay as long as I can.

Forty

A little over ten years ago I anticipated my 30th birthday with such ambivalence. The impression I got of most thirty year olds was that they had stopped messing around and were beginning to settle down. My twenties were bumpy and although there was a sense of adventure surrounding them I wasn't exactly pining for more twenty-somethings drama. I wasn't quite ready to grow up though either. Sure I wanted to find my future husband, get married and have kids but at the time it just felt so far from what my twenties were about that it was hard to fathom.

When I was 29 I met my husband. I didn't know for sure but I had hoped then that I could stop looking, when we started dating. My friends threw me a party and we went away, just me and three girlfriends. I remember it being so much fun and I felt so loved by the three of them. To this day those friends are still so important to me. Over the course of my thirties I did indeed get married, get pregnant (not exactly in that order) and went on to having two amazing children. My thirties have given me everything that I hoped they would and so saying goodbye to them is less ambivalent and more bittersweet.

I've heard that forty brings contentment. I feel pretty content. I definitely gave up a career when I had kids but I don't miss it at all right now. I know it will be there in a few years and I know my kids won't. Time with them is fleeting and I will be twiddling my fingers wondering what to do in no time. For now, other than my son waking up too early every day and my daughter whining a bit too much, things are going pretty swimmingly. On my fortieth birthday my husband took me away for a night. It was the first time in six years that we went away together overnight. I don't think I realized how badly I needed it until we got there.

It took me so little time to pack my own bag, after packing for three all the time. We went to Laguna Beach, and it was so beautiful. Our hotel room looked out right over the ocean. We had no set nap time, school, pickup or anywhere else to be. We hung out and read, went out to lunch, went to the beach, the only schedule was a late dinner reservation. He and I had longer conversations since no one interrupted us, we were affectionate, and when we weren't looking out on the ocean and feeling overwhelmed with gratitude we were laughing. That was pretty much all we did. It was perfect.

The next day he surprised me and had over 20 friends out to celebrate. My birthday lasted all weekend and it was so much fun. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I was pretty tired by Monday, and I forgot to put my drivers license back in my purse from the clutch I used at my party. When I went to buy beer at the grocery store the cashier asked for my ID. When I couldn't find it it he took the beer back and said I couldn't buy it. Hello forty! I was also told by some random woman that forty is young and that for women they are in their sexual prime so Happy birthday to me! In the same day I saw a black cat that afternoon that was about to cross my path but when he saw me, he turned and went the other way, so maybe forty will be pretty lucky after all.

The English Project

Like a tear drop from my heart. That is just about the sappiest thing I have ever written but it's the only way I can describe what it feels like to watch my children pass from one phase to another. Some days that tear is of the wrenchingly beautiful kind of sentimental, and sometimes that tear is the pain of frustration, anger and impatience with having to deal with two small imps. Either way it seems having children will have me crying quite a lot.

It seems lately I am a bit fixated on communication. I wrote about the words my son uses now and how one day they are destined to change into correct pronunciation. It seemed like just after I wrote that, he overnight began using sentences. I don't remember it being so dramatic with Twig but perhaps it was. Not only has his communication increased, but his capacity to express emotion as well. He suddenly seems empathetic, sympathetic, understanding and caring. He will share with other children in a way I didn't think was possible a few months ago. When someone sneezes, he will say "bess you." If we give him something, he will say "tattoo" for thank you. He calls his sister "Aya" and when she hurts herself he will ask, "Ok Aya? Ok?" and then go look her in the eyes waiting for her answer. If she says no he will say "awww, torry Aya" and top it off with a kiss.

Meanwhile at home my girl seems to have forgotten her communication skills a bit and has regressed back to whining and pouting. It's been a challenging week or so for six year old meltdowns here. I have come up short when I try to use new tools and tactics to help from spiraling into a weepy rag doll about any and every little thing that doesn't go exactly right. As of today though I have a new theory as to why. She told me a story about something that happened at school and I think she has just learned how to be such a mature, sweet, smart and together kid. It is really amazing but when she comes home she allows herself to step back and fall apart so to speak. That isn't as pretty.

One day when I picked her up at school the first grade teacher from next door to her class told me that Twig had a project. She took it upon herself to befriend Yvonne who has recently moved here from Germany and can't speak any English. She decided she would teach her. Each day for several weeks she taught her a new word. She forgoed playing with her other friends at recess in order to achieve this. When her friends wanted to play with her she said only if they would play with Yvonne too. Each day she would report back to me the new words that she had fought Yvonne.

This past Monday on the way home from school, I asked her who she played with at recess. For the first time she mentioned children other than Yvonne. When I asked her if Yvonne was absent she explained that she felt it was time for Yvonne to play with other kids now. She relayed how she explained this to Yvonne, and that she was careful to explain it so her feelings wouldn't be hurt. She told her that she was tired of teaching, and that she just wanted to play. She walked her over to some other classmates and said you are ready to play too. The way she explained this was more articulate than I can convey but basically she expressed herself so confidently, and carefully as to not hurt her friend. I was so impressed and so proud of her.

I'm watching her find herself between the little girl, who sometimes cries when she thinks I don't understand her, to the girl who can have full-on thoughtful conversations with me, and I am amazed. It is a privilege to be with these two and witness the changes. They both surprise me everyday. I don't want to freeze time. I look forward to watching them grow, I just want it to go a little slower. There is a lot to savor.

Gone Tomorrow

I remember dating an older guy when I was seventeen. I was known to do that often then. He tried to tell me that when I became an adult life would become routine and that the monotony of day to day life is a reality. I remember even then thinking that it would never be that way for me. I knew I wanted the kind of life that was exciting enough that I would never feel bored. I was pretty sure I would prove him wrong. I most definitely did!

My life isn't a piece of pie or easy as cake, or whatever that dessert reference is, but it isn't crazy difficult either. I feel a tremendous amount of gratitude for what I have and what I have accomplished. Sure, I had different hopes for where I would be with a career right now but I also never anticipated just how much time I would want to commit to being with my children. I had one of those epiphany moments today, where it was a beautiful crisp fall morning and I was running in the playground with my son. No one else was there and we were taking advantage of that by yelling and laughing. We were going down the slide, jumping off together and laughing. I thought about how much fun it was to get to do this, to be silly and free with my little boy.

That joy was immediately followed by the fact that all of this will all change. I suddenly became very existential and thought about how he will grow older and I will too, and that my parents are getting older, and how yes many things change for the better with time, but some changes are terribly difficult to bear. I feel time is flying at a more rapid speed than it did in the past. When I turned forty I began to wonder about what this decade would bring and immediately I thought about the possibility of losing a parent just gets greater and greater as we all get older. There is very little I can do to prepare myself for that day so I just often put the thought out of my head as if it won't ever really happen. There is an inevitability to it though. Just as the day I had my first baby my world was seen as "before and after" because the change was so epic, I believe losing the people who brought you into the world will make it look different when they are gone. Especially if you love them dearly.

When I look at the characteristics or flaws in myself that are challenges for me I can also see the positive elements that come with those flaws. I am deeply sensitive and so I don't seem to take as much lightly as I would like. I don't laugh things off that easily, and I read into things. The flip side of being able to feel really low is the joy that comes with the highs and most importantly the appreciation for feeling somewhere in the middle. As a result I am pretty absorbed in what is going on moment to moment. One would think that is a good thing since there is so much research about being present but when I am focused on what I am doing I have trouble transitioning out and on to the next. I like to linger. I enjoy wandering and losing track of time. I often get side tracked and enjoying seeing where the day takes me. Of course with kids and responsibilities this becomes a time management issue often.  I do take to heart though that my ability to focus on what I am doing well has allowed me to be a very committed mother. I know that this role is forever and a commitment that has a lifetime guarantee. I am also aware that it evolves often and I am in the early stages. Respectfully as a daughter my gratitude lasts even longer than a lifetime. I cherish time so preciously with my parents and my children especially when we can be all together.

I've never looked that guy I up and I don't think I ever will, but I do wonder if he would to this day stand by his statement about life being so routine. I know he went on to have children and I would be really surprised if he watched and marveled who they morph into if he could still say life was boring. For me, yesterday was nothing like today and when today is gone who knows what surprises tomorrow holds.