Put Down That Phone

On mothers day I went to a park with my kids. It was a beautiful day and as they played I sat down on a bench and instinctively picked up my phone. My head was down and oblivious to my kids. I was busy looking at photos and posts of everyone else saying "happy mother's day" and staring at cute pictures of other peoples kids instead of looking at my own, the live ones right in front of me. I'm not saying that I should be paying 110% attention to my children at all times, or that they aren't capable of playing without me, but I did realize in that moment that something felt wrong. I felt addicted to the phone and had to have my own personal intervention to put it down.

I decided in that moment that I was going to practice some restraint. I committed to turning off the phone for an hour.  I slid that circle to the right and zipped that phone into my bag. I looked around and took in my surroundings. The first thing I realized is that immediately I was able to slow down time because the just by having my head in the phone while at the park made me feel like I was multi tasking even though I wasn't actually doing anything except cruising Facebook. I stood up and walked around, I noticed what my kids were doing. One was playing chess with a little girl she had just met and my son was climbing up and down a net ladder. He called to me to see and I took him in. I wondered if he had wanted to call to me a few minutes before but saw I was on the phone so he didn't bother. In that moment I thought about how many moments are stolen by my phone. I do not want my children to have to compete with my phone. I don't want my children look over and always see my head down and stuck on a device.  I don't want my children to think it's okay to connect mostly through a phone and not face to face.

Cell phones have been life changing and invaluable but they shouldn't be life stealing. I cringe whenever I see kids at restaurants on their parents phone. Sure, it distracts them and allows us to have a conversation but what about teaching them to sit with us and communicate?  If they are too little for contributing to a conversation what about coloring or bringing small toys to the table?  There is so much hard evidence that too much screen time is bad for our kids but it's so easy to let them stay plugged in since it's such a cheap babysitter. Or is it? The cost of time on devices is pricey. Connection, creativity, boredom, touch, daydreaming, making friends, the list goes on.

I don't know the last time I looked at my kids doing something cool and just watched them. Instead I quickly grab my phone so I can snap a picture so all of my "friends" in my social network can like it, and so that later I can see how it's trending and if anyone comments.  This could have been an opportunity to laugh with my kids but instead I had to capture it. It feels out of control. Social media is great in terms of being able to connect with people that you don't get to see often, and I appreciate that. I have a lot of friends that I wish lived closer or that I don't see because of how crazy our families schedules are. One would argue that maybe I have too many people I love that I don't see enough but when I hear the statement "you don't need any new friends" it sits funny with me. When people stop connecting with new people then there is a problem. After I put down the phone at the park I walked over to the table where my daughter was playing chess, the little girl was sitting with her parents who were helping our girls play. They had moved here from London just a couple of years ago ( I seem to connect with Londoners and their kids for some reason) and our girls were playing so nicely.  They went from chess to riding scooters, and playing handball together. The parents and I talked, and by the end of our time at the park we exchanged numbers. We will likely see them again and had I not put down my phone I would have likely missed an opportunity to meet new people or worse missed a chance for my daughter to continue a new friendship.

I would love to hear what stories can come out of putting down your phone. Challenge yourself and see what comes of powering off. Look how many sentences can start with "Put down that phone..."

Put down that phone and play with your kids
Put down that phone and read
Put down that phone and dance
Put down that phone and eat
Put down that phone and meditate
Put down that phone and drive
Put down that phone and write
Put down that phone and smile at the person next to you
Put down that phone and go outside
Put down that phone and go for a walk

and on and on.

Letter To Liz

Dear Liz,

I've been trying to process the news of your death. I heard about it from a few other cast mates from The Hating Pot, and it feels so lonely trying to mourn you all the way here in California. For all the hours, days and years our group spent together, I never took a moment to think that one day we would all splatter across the world, never to be sitting in the same room together again. I went online last night, searching for a way to make peace with you being gone. I looked at old videos of you in the 70's with your long red hair, wildly dancing as you led a huge group of people singing. I read Facebook posts of people thanking you for your inspiration. I saw tributes, obituaries, and stories all about who you were.  As I read, my head kept hearing James Taylor's song, "I always thought that I'd see you again…".

Over the past 18 years since we all worked with you, I only have seen you once. It was a fantastic surprise too. I was in a Whole Foods in West Hollywood and you and Roz were just standing there. It really felt like I ran into family I hadn't seen in a while. It was a surprise but so comfortable. I was so excited to show you that I was all grown up. Meeting you as a teenager and then spending over four years with you — I really did enter adulthood under your watch. I remember auditioning for you. It was a large open call with so many kids from public schools all around New York City. I could see in your eyes how important the subject matter was to you. I so enjoyed the improvs you had us doing and was taking them so seriously. I'm sure part of why I was cast was because I was so eager to meet your level of intensity. 

I joined a group of cast mates, all of us unknowingly beginning such an important project. Not only did I gain a new community, I also learned more than I ever did in all my history, social studies and humanity classes put together.I met other kids who were my neighbors in New York but who had never met anyone Jewish or Black. Together we broke down racial stereotypes and shattered our own racism through honest improvisations. I tapped into a reservoir of creativity I didn't know I had. I sang and danced, expressing all emotions on the spectrum. I traveled around the country, made TV shows, made friends, all thanks to this one show, and thanks to you.

Liz, you were the matriarch of this crew. You lead and steered the ship and without you this production simply wouldn't have been. I was so in awe of you. As a teenager I will admit I had some obsessions with teacher, or mentors. I wanted to know more about these people who were my so called leaders. I definitely craved some attention clearly. With you though I didn't need to search for anything because you gave it to us. You were who you were and you offered it to us completely. For me having you guide us for that many years at that time is a beautiful water mark that you leave on me.

I thank you for giving me a chance, as an actress, as a girl, then as a woman, and as a human. I thank you for teaching me to open my eyes to what is really happening right around us. I thank you for showing me a new way to make a difference. I thank you for teaching me so I can now teach others. I thank you for loving all of us, making music with us, and for taking on such an incredible journey.  I had a dream last night that you weren't actually gone. I ran into you on some Hollywood set of what they think heaven would look like. I asked you what you were doing there and you said you were waiting for the right time to surprise everyone. I felt content with that and was pretty unhappy when I woke up and realized you were still not here.

My work has been so influenced by you. My major in college to my goals as a teaching artist have all been shaped how you taught, and what you taught. I hope that what I have to offer now, and what I hope to share with students I work with in the future will reflect my time spent with you. I may not be able to ever run into you again, but when I look at work that I have learned to create from you, that is when I will see you again!

Forever grateful,

Sharon

Ted Talkers

In one week, three of my female friends shared with me that they were asked to give a TED Talk. TED stands for technology, entertainment and design.  The talks are produced by a non profit organization and their slogan is "Ideas worth spreading." A guest speaker gets up in front a of a live audience and delivers a speech on their area of expertise. If you haven't seen one you should pick any interesting subject and watch one because they are all well done and very educational. If you want to see three of my friends their talks i am sure will impress you too. They impressed me, so much so that I began to wonder if there was anything I could offer a TED talk.

One friend works in non profit making sure minorities and immigrants get treated well in their workplace (here is the link to her TedX talk, picture below). Another started an organization that gives micro loans to women in Africa to start their own businesses. My third friend will be giving her talk this weekend and she is a heart surgeon, who works part time so she can also juggle being a mom and her singer/songwriting career. I have some busy, smart friends. I would like to say they can swing all these important missions because they have chosen careers over children but only one of the three doesn't have kids. One even has three boys all under the age of five.

I have made the choice to dedicate my time to being a full time mom and I am sure soon enough when my kids don't seem to need me quite so much I will be missing this time with them. I have absolutely no regrets. I do wonder though what I will do when they are both in school full time. I don't want to fill my day with errands and wait for the school bell to ring and pick them up. I want to do something a bit more important, a bit selfless, a bit more helpful. It doesn't have to be TED talk worthy, but it should equal it's importance if even in a small way.

I called a friend to share the news about my smart high achieving friends. I confessed to her that I felt my life work felt a little dull in comparison to trophys  earned from their accomplishments, She reassured me that I had many things I could give a TED talk on right now. When I asked her to give me an example she said she would but she had to get off the phone and she will call me back. My head began to wonder. Prior to moving to LA I worked in the world of social change. I was in my late teens and early twenties participating in creative projects all around NYC teaching about race and ethnicity. I believed I could change the world and looking back I still believe we made a small difference talking to kids about intolerance. I have always known I would go back to this line of work but feel rusty and out of practice. Mostly I am afraid of teenagers now since I am so much older than them now. They intimidate me.

As for now, I still have little ones so I can ignorantly go about my errands until I am ready to make a change. I could give a talk on how I think parents should throw away most of their parenting books and just follow their instincts. I could speak about how just paying attention to your kids can work wonders for your kids self esteem. I could share how a hug can help fix almost anything, but these things everyone knows...right? I still await the phone call from my friend on what she thinks I could give a TED talk on. If there are any good ideas I will let you know.

A Responsibility

The first thought I have when I think about what my job is as a mother is to love my children. Of course it goes much deeper than that, and there are many more details to parenting, but I keep seeing this image of myself hugging my children. There are so many conflicts, frustrations challenges that all get resolved and the final finishing note is a hug. It doesn't cure all and it certainly can't fix everything, but it can help soften the blows a bit.

Recent current events have been horrifying. The trend of shootings in our world is a disgusting one. I really didn't think this would still be going on with this kind of frequency.  It is difficult to see the future for my children without having to teach them some protective measures and "what if's" as they get older. My daughter is seven though and my son still just three. Neither knows of any violonce in the world. My daughter knows what war is, but only in the most general of ideas. Recently some military officers came to talk to her class about service, patriotism, etc. My knee jerk reaction was to be furious and that talking to children about gaining higher ranks in the military is the begining of recruiting. It glorified the job of "fighting for your country" and that they shouldn't have been allowed to speak to our children without permission. I spent a bit more time with the issue I had and realized that what was really bothering me was that it is my job to teach my children about war. Or is it?

As news soundbites come on the radio, or through people talking, or subtitles on a tv when we are out somewhere, very soon the questions will come. What is a shooting? Where did that happen? Will thathappen here? Or the most difficult question: Why mommy? I won't really have an answer for that one, because together with so many people we are all trying to figure that out. In the meantime I hope that when she sees or hears such horrible news that my husband and I are the ones she is hearing it from. For now she is so innocent and we love that she is still blissfully ignorant. I know those days will come to an end soon enough, and so they are precious.

It has been said by many that thoughts and prayers are not what is needed through these dark times. That the thoughts should be shifted to how we can change this problem and the prayers should be for peace.  I was driving alone last night and listening to the radio when I spotted a billboard. It didn't have any words just a picture of a gun made out of rainbow sprinkles. Who exactly is this picture supposed to appeal to? I was in Hollywood where billboard after billboard appears before you even can digest one there are five more in front and behind it, but so many glorify violence. Hollywood specifically glorifies gun violence. Where is the movement to quiet that down?

So with more shootings, the more likely we will be having conversations soon. I am sure when the idea of violence or war becomes less broad and she learns that each victim victim was family to someone, or that they didn't do anything to deserve something so awful, the questions and emotions will pour in. I don't think I can imagine the end of that conversation with anything  to take away such ugliness or protect her from realty. I can and will though make her feel as safe as I can, and I cant imagine what would do that more than a hug.

Homebody

My husband and I both like to get up and go. We have never sat around the house in our pajamas on the weekends. We both have too many things we want to do and see. Especially since having kids and being limited to nap and bedtimes we feel and even bigger pull to get our days going on the weekends. Lately though I am always asking myself why I am so tired and why our schedules are so full. I have been craving just chilling at home. Except I am not really sure how to do it. I am really out of practice.

 Checking errands off your to do list shouldn't mean you are accomplished. There is this race daily to do everything you can humanly possibly get done in one day, resulting in utter exhaustion. I wonder why I am so tired by the end of the day. Sure, I have small kids who get up early, but I am also exercising, reading the news, trying to make healthy food, put together some decent outfits and get out the door all by 8 am. By the time I get to my alone time I typically have just under two hours to check an errand off my list. It not exactly carefree. First I pick up my little one and then a few hours after that I pick up the other one. When we all finally get home it's the homework and dinner club. Just to add a bit more chaos to the mix every few days we have some extra curricular activity to attend to as well. I am beginning to feel like the idea of balance in life is a myth.

I strive to have my life be calmer, less complicated, and less stressful, but there is a fine line between simpler and boring. I have a friend who comes home with her kids everyday after school. No play dates, no activities, they do homework maybe watch some tv eat dinner and go to bed. It works for them. Then I have friends whose kids are in competitive sports or dance, that go two days a week and one day on the weekend. They eat dinner on the fly and I guess do homework before bed. We are somewhere in the middle and there are days where that even feels too much. 

   When I plan out my day, I forget to account for all the distractions. From the minute I wake up I think I have a set amount of time but then a text comes in, or I have to forward an email to my daughters classroom, or my child doesn't want to wear the shoes Ive already tied on. In this day of having cell phones be the biggest addiction I have ever had, I have a love hate relationship with technology.  I think our kids probably hate seeing them in our hands all the time too. I read that using our phones is nit unlike smoking was in the 60's. Just like people learned that smoking was bad for them then we know that using our cell phones can be not only dangerous to talk on near our heads but also a complete distraction from the people closest from us. I read "Hands Free Parenting" and loved the message but I can't put my phone down just like everyone else.  I'm hooked. "Stop The Insanity"

As I sit here and write this, I have stopped so many times due to technological interruptions. I try to over compensate my meditating everyday, but something about this seems so ironic. So I have made a pledge to myself just to be a bit more mindful about being chill. Staying home a little bit more at a time. Taking down time. Playing with my kids, and just being present. I am really enjoying my kids right now. Seven and three are pretty sweet ages. I want to soak them in, with minimal beeps and buzzes to pull me away. Yesterday I took an afternoon walk in the rain with my boy. He was so excited to wear his rain boots. I purposely left the phone at home. It felt good to be free of it, and anyway the rain could have gotten it wet. Then what?

Student Of The Month

My daughter received the Student of the Month award! I am proud of her and excited that she is recognized for her work at school. She wanted this award last month, the first month at school, but instead her friend deservingly got it. Both girls, are the "student of the month" type. They are extreamly well behaved, studious, focused, quiet in class, and smart. It was even predictable that the two of them would be the first to get this award at the start of school. Last year, when they were in different classrooms they both stood next to each other with the award during the first school assembely.

Last year when I was new to the school and recieved a note home that she would be recieving this award, I was also excited for her. I quickly realized though that only 9 kids per year in each class would be rewarded with this. We had come from a school before that had an assembley every week and gave out two principal awards per class per week. By the end of that year everyone had got one at least once, or in my daughters case three times.

I am not sure every kid should always be a winner, but rewards systems are flawed. When my daughter started preschool there was a chart with red, yellow, and green on it. Each kid had their names on clothes pins and if they got a warning they moved to yellow, if they continued to misbehave they got a red. I hated this system. Especially the day that I came to school and found my own child's name on red. She didn't even get a warning they had said, because she loved to climb and she had climbed up the fence that leads out of the play area. She had also influenced her friend to do the same. That was the first and last red she ever got in preschool, and I didn't find it misbehaving as they did. I was impressed at her climbing skills, but reminded her that it wasn't allowed, nor was it safe. I was happy to learn though that a year later the preschool replaced the chart with a marble system for when kids did things well, as opposed to pointing out what they did wrong all the time.

I know that as adults we earn rewards all the time for doing things the "right" way. We also get penalized when we do things wrong as well. There are plenty of incentives for good behaviour for grown ups, so I know the lessons to be learned from rewards are not all bad. That being said though, there are a lot of people in the middle who just don't get recognized. The really obedient, but shy child who never raises their hand in class might not ever get to be student of the month. Or the enthusiastic, bright child who is so excited to learn that he can't stop talking. Or that child who has behavior issues that has therapy practically everyday, or worse that child with behavior issues who has no help at all. These kids aren't likely to be student of the month either.

I don't think getting an award like this is life changing, or that important in the grand scheme of a child's life, but for those kids so rarely recognized it can make a huge difference. Think about those kids who are given up on so quickly in their education because of misbehavior. I know that there are amazing teachers out there who say that no matter how challenging it is they can find something wonderful in each child. If that something wonderful was nourished and encouraged all year than ever child would deserve an award.

The day my daughter did not the award and it went to her friend instead, she sat down next to me and told me that her friend was student of the month. I tried to stay as neutral as possible not sure where her emotions were headed. I said "Oh, that's nice, how do you feel about it?" She said she was proud for her. The next thing I heard was my daughter sniffling. When I looked at her she asked through tears, why she didn't get the award. I reminded her that she had run out of class after me a few times in the first month of school and maybe that is why she didn't get it. She immediately stopped crying and said "Oh, right."  For her putting her best foot forward is so important, it also comes very naturally to her. I was happy to see though that the award ceremony had some kids called up who were not the typical "student of the month" kids. Including one of my daughters close friends who is now in another class. He talks a lot but is indeed a passionate, enthusiastic, caring, and sensitive student. I was grateful that he got an award. When he got his award last month I was front and center cheering him on with his mom. He was so shocked and excited that it had me almost believing in this award. Almost! That being said, I am proud that my daughter for continuing her diligence, hard work  and her new ability to stay in her classroom after I say goodbye to her at school.  That alone deserves recognition!

Disconcerting News

My pregnancy was becoming more real to me with each day. We had seen the heartbeat at two visits, we saw the shape of the baby's body starting to form, we even got to take home some ultrasound photos. With each week though my vomiting got more severe. I started the medicine pump shortly after my 9 week check up.  It seemed to help within a day or so. It didn't take away all of the discomfort but I felt more like I had mild motion sickness which was welcomed.  I started to feel better. The medication stopped the vomiting...it also likely stopped the pregnancy.

When I went in for my twelve week check up, my husband and I joked about what color the baby's eyes might be, but I was distracted. Every appointment I had when I was pregnant was nerve-racking. I would hold my breath until I saw the heartbeat and heard everything was growing normally. When our doctor on this visit walked in and asked how we were, I actually responded by saying, “Nervous." He preceded carefully and began the ultrasound. His first word out of his mouth was "unfortunately" and the rest of whatever he said sounded like a slow motion, dizzying mess of words. I just remember my husband's arm around me, and that I grabbed my doctor's hand, as if to plead with him to give me different news. The next thing I did was to take off the port and pull out the needle attached to me. I didn't need this pump anymore. I hated wearing it, and so I wouldn't keep it attached to me one second more than I needed to. With a little time and a lot of questions, I learned that our baby's heart stopped beating just a few short days after the pump going in. Needing something to blame I gave all responsibility of this loss to the medication. It just seemed to obvious.

I had to have a D&C in the hospital because the fetus was too big to have the procedure in my doctor's office. This allowed me to also have a pathology report done on the baby. I learned that the baby was missing a chromosome and that even if it survived it would have been severely learning disabled and physically stunted. I looked at my healthy daughter and thought of how many miracles have to line up to create the healthy cells that result in a healthy baby. I was grateful that I made her and she was okay. My doctor said it was unlikely the medicine hurt the baby, and that it would be hard to prove anything if it did. I still wondered though. I researched some stories online and found one or two, but not many. After some time though, I set my sights on getting pregnant again. I wanted to move on, I wanted a baby, I wanted to get pregnant, and this time I would endure any illness without medication.

Once again I began getting sick, losing weight, and became dehydrated. Set on not taking Zofran, I agreed to go to my doctor's office to receive a fluids IV twice a week. My pregnancy wasn't fun, and it wasn't pretty — but I survived it. I also got a healthy seven pound baby boy, so with that I happily put pregnancy behind me. Forever. I never again thought about Zofran, because I didn't want to. It does re-open a wound though, to know that the medication could have indeed cost us a baby. Upon finding more out about a class action case against the manufacturers of Zofran, I decided not to participate in the law suit. I have everyone who I was meant to have in my family. Placing blame will not bring a baby back. I don't want a settlement check. I have my family now and I am more than content with that. I will however make it my mission to ensure that I speak out against taking Zofran while pregnant. It is still being prescribed to pregnant women, and I know well the desperation to feel better, but this is not a solution.  I don't know of any other ways to get through a rough pregnancy, but there is a huge prize at the end and it's worth waiting for.