Our Hike!

Last week was bit challenging. My daughter got moved up to the next level in gymnastics. She was so excited to into her new class but it didn't go quite how she expected. Dang! those expectations.
We are at the type of gymnastics studio now that is less nurturing and hand holding than her last one was. It is a Russian gym and they mean business, in that they take more money from me and they really train my kid. On her first day Twig was the only new comer to this level. All of the other girls had been taking it a while, so most of the skills were new to her. She was definitely the weakest in the group and she felt it. She couldn't quite get a couple of things and her frustration mixed with nerves got the best of her and she began to cry mid class.

She is six years old so hard core training and the idea that completing is the next step has made me reevaluate. As a former skater I love the idea that she has something athletic to focus on and to build her confidence, but I wasn't six when I began competing. I also don't know that I want a sport that requires so much stress on her little body. Not to mention that it is up there with figure skating on the highly competitive list. She has a natural talent for gymnastics. She is tiny but strong and loves nothing more than to hang, swing, and jump. She is definitely good at this, but that doesn't mean this will be the only thing she will be good at.

She woke up the next morning after class and said she wanted to stop going to gymnastics. I explained that when something is challenging and scary that is not when you give up. I told her we will keep going until the end of the session and that we can see how she feels then. When I took her back this week though she cried on the way and twice during class. She finally succeeded in the skill that she was afraid of and came running to me at the end of class saying it all got easier. We talked about how she didn't give up and it paid off. She is doing a unit on this very subject at school right now, and so when she got in the car I shared with her an email I got while she was in class. I submitted a piece of writing for a show and it didn't get chosen. I read her a very well written email that was sweet and complimentary but still a "better luck next time, and do try again." I told her that sometimes when these things happen I feel like giving up too but that the only thing that makes me feel better is to try harder. I told her I let myself be a bit sad about it and then make a plan for how I can do better.

This weekend she wanted to go on a hike right near our new house. We see people on the hike with kids a lot but haven't braved it ourselves. She really wanted to go though so I explained to her that she had to actually walk the hill herself. She agreed and we decided to go. I carried my boy on my back in a carrier and my husband hiked ahead with her. She impressed us so much. She was strong and determined and found out she shares a love of hiking like us. She saw a little rabbit, heard birds, saw the most amazing view of the city, mountains, and the ocean. As we hiked back down we witnessed the beginning of a beautiful sunset. I think we all felt pretty strong and accomplished. I carried a 25 pound toddler up and down, and she did the whole hike herself. I stopped her toward the bottom though and told her she didn't keep her word about walking the whole time. Most of the hike she ran.

There are many things she can do and do well. There will also be things that don't come easilly or that just get challenging along the way. Hopefully this school unit will teach her to keep trying in case my message to her isn't loud enough on it's own. This is an ongoing lesson though. Just this morning she fell off her bike on the way to school. She wanted to go home and call it a day then. She said she wasn't going to school and this was the worst day ever. I have no idea where she gets such a flare for drama. I made her get up tears and all and continue riding with me to school. She was not happy about it and this might be stamped in her memory as her worse day yet, but she did it. There will be harder days to come but she is learning. As we all are that life is work. The pay off is great but it isn't all easy!

Words of Wisdom from the Y

We joined the Y a few months ago. My husband, who I like to say has a seasonal interest in fitness, got very enthusiastic about the possibility of working out there. The first week he took a yoga class. In the ten plus years we have been together I have only been able to take a class with me once, and I teach yoga! I was perplexed but also proud that he went on his own so I keep my mouth shut. When he came home and said how great it was I smiled. When he quoted the instructor, I must have looked confused. At the end of the class when everyone was relaxing on their backs she said "thank you for just one more day." My husband is the thoughtful sensitive type but still it was completely out of character to be moved by something as simple as that but he was. Don't get me wrong it is a beautiful sentiment and we should be grateful for everyday we have here, and everyday that we are healthy and take care of ourselves we should take inventory. It just goes to show though that it really doesn't matter where or how you get spiritual enlighntment, just that you get it.

It is easy to forget to take pause and count your blessings as "they"say. I went on Facebook later that day and my husband had posted the quote from the instructor. I poked fun at him for how very moving a yoga class at local Y can be. We laughed about it for a bit. Only this morning though I understand how when a words are timely for someonw it really doesn't matter how the words find you. I just read a story recently about this older woman who would write letters to her grown daughter about how beautiful the details of her day to day were. From the outside her daughter said that her mother's life would seem quite opposite of beautful since her parents were growing broke and  her father was a raging alcoholic, but her mother was able to look at the tiny details around her and see how much beauty there was. After reading that I tried that on a particularly down day and I felt it nearly impossible. I saw incredible nature around me but I felt all the sounds were singing for my ears to hear that day. Perhaps a different day, but that day I felt blocked. After some more attempts I could see and here beauty a bit more but it was still pretty challenging.

I now make it habit everyday to pay attention to the details. It's not that I wasn't doing that before with my children, but I wasn't doing it for everything. When I do look at what is truly around me there really is more beauty than I expected to find. I remember a very spiritual friend of mine used to say, "Look for miracles everyday." I think I was always looking at my kids and stopped looking after that. My kids are amazing but it is not all about them, nor can I base my happiness on them. In my darkest period a few years ago when I was really down I remember that same feeling of not being able to see anything good around me. I could see the world moving but I didn't feel in sync. I could see people smiling but I couldn't remember how to feel happy. I had my then two year old with me day after day and although I knew I loved her more than I thought I could love anything, I still couldn't feel connected to her as I had in the past. The feelings scared me, and fortunately time healed and I was able to come out of that time and reconnect to the important things.

It's been quite sometime since I have gone down to the dark side as I can say now, but I feel so much more equipped for how to handle it. I feel like I keep myself in shape so to speak, by paying more attention to the details. This morning when my son woke up and then put his head on my shoulder and fell back asleep I didn't move. Eventually I was able to gently move down to the floor where I rested next to him while he slept. His arms were still around my neck and I just listened to him breathing. Dare I move and risk waking him, I stayed there for almost and hour. It was amazing! The sound of his breath made me realize how lucky I am to have this healthy boy and that thought just flowed into other thoughts of how lucky I am. It was a pretty perfect way to start the day. So the next time I decide to poke fun at where my husband gets his most moving sentiments I will remember this morning, because I too am grateful for just one more day.

A Little Fire

I'm really tired, and when I am tired, I feel old, and when I feel old I feel like time is running out and I better do something important with my time before it runs out.

A bit extreme maybe but I need a project. My son is 2 and a half and I said I would hire a sitter when he turned two so I would have some time to myself -- and well, that didn't happen. We moved, I got overwhelmed, he is my last baby and I want to be with him. There are myriad excuses but I haven't taken any time. And well, now is the time.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I went back to do a job, when I had a bit of a career and when I got there I didn't know how to do anything anymore. When I woke up I realized it's not that far off from reality. It's been a long time since I did anything outside of parenting and writing this blog. I am rusty! Now starting over again is a bit more than I can chew, but observing a class, or taking one, might do the trick. I just can't muster up the energy because I am so tired, which makes me feel lazy and then like the clock is ticking, and so on.

It would help if I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but since it is not clear I am going to use this post as an opportunity to jot down some ideas that excite me, no matter how big or ambitious, I will not censor. I would like to do something that helps other people, through example, discussion, or film-making. I would like a health and fitness-related job again, that combines health, fitness and food. I would like to write more and have people other than my family read it. I would like to work in a group setting, where ideas and inspirations get bounced around.

Thats what I hope for. I will do some brain storming and hopefully come up with some first steps to take. In the meantime I am going to take a nap. Got to start somewhere.

I'll Be The Judge

Parenting and judgment ride along side each other more often than they should. As a former babysitter I should go back and apologize to my old clients for the judgment I had of the parenting styles they all had. I of course never expressed any of my opinions to them, but internally I had my own ideas of what they should be doing. Then of course I had my own child and quickly learned that this responsibility was no joke.

I had many friends who after having kids were running for the bookshelves to read every book on parenting out there. Some chose methods that resonated for them, and then by that book followed all the rules. I had others that seemed to do whatever seemed to feel right and if that meant chocolate chips for breakfast they seemed okay with that. I felt and still do feel somewhere in the middle. I have some styles that I connect with but nothing enough to go "that way or the highway." I also feel the right to change my mind as a I go along.

I was curious to see how my friends saw me as a parent. Without a negative judgment but more a comment on styles I feel I could peg which one of my friends raises their kids most similarly to me. I can also see what I don't do, and see what I wish I could do more of. Some people would think I am a little granola in the way I parent. I breastfeed so long, the food I feed them which more often than not is a plant based organic homemade meal, or that they don't get a lot of screen time, or most recently people think I am anti-vaccine, because I haven't given my kids all of the recommended vaccines.

Not a single one of these things though is a hard fact about me. I do breastfeed a long time but not on principal. I am glad my kids have been breastfed but if I couldn't I would have had to choose a formula that would have sustained them, because thankfully there is formula when one can't nurse.  I do have thoughts on the dairy industry and that milk might not be so good for humans, but in true non judgment hypocrisy we like cheese here! Plant based organic is a fancy way of saying mostly meatless and without pesticides please. I love cooking and yet I am not a huge fan of cooking meat. On occasion though you will find us knawing on slow braised ribs. And on the vaccine thing, I am not and have never been anti-vaccine, I just did it slower than most everyone I know.

My reasons for choosing the path I did with vaccines is because when there is some evidence that there are some children that have been affected negatively with timerasol, mercury and other preservatives used to stabilize vaccines, I was hesitant to put that in to a newborn baby. So we waited until our baby was a bit older and stronger. We also had an off-the-charts smaller infant and toddler so again, we waited. Luckily for us more and more evidence came out over time that some of these preservatives could be harmful so they were removed from vaccines. I don't want to stand on principal or on a soapbox about this topic. I do believe parents have the right to choose for their child within reason. What I think is reasonable compared to some extreme super liberal mom or some super conservative mom will be different though. I do know that when the envelope is pushed too far extreme situations happen, and diseases returning to threaten our children after decades of being gone is extreme.

There is my "trying so hard not to judge" rant. I am pretty okay being labeled as whatever type of parent you want after reading this. I will try and not label anyone else out there and I leave an open mind to how one wants to parent. I have a hard time believing any parent can knowingly keep kids unprotected, so there must be a lot I don't know about. I'm okay with the level of ignorance I have right now, since I am also okay with what I know.

Once A Week

Every Thursday I take my son to a class that is held at my friend's house. The class is called Outside The Box and it truly lives up to it's name. Today midway through the class I was sitting with my son under a moon blanket, which is basically the silver safety blankets that I have always seen wrapped up but never opened. We had it wrapped over us like a tent as we played with two light up balls. We watched the colored lights reflect against the silver blanket. It was in that moment that I had one of those "I love this class"-feelings. This happens almost every week with this class.

My son, the second child, really only has this one class that I take him to. The rest of the week is spent toting him around to gymnastics, school and play dates for his sister, or running errands and the occasional park trip if he is lucky. I signed him up for a library story time which we have missed the last two weeks. It is okay but it is really just me and the nanny crew. I don't mind skipping it but Thursdays I go out of my way to take him to this class. It is a bit of everything all in one. There is singing, sign language, art, tactile activities, physical activities and some new surprise every week.

Octavia is the owner and I remember when I had my daughter, I had a leinthy talk with her on the phone about her classes, how she started them and, how they benefited the kids. I was fascinated. Little did I know at that point how special this class would be to my kids and to me. I took my daughter to a class that was given at a private house that someone hosted. When I walked in to this woman's beautiful class I realized pretty quickly how familiar she looked. Turns out we had met at a hospital tour and then again while interviewing a pediatrician. She and I have been friends ever since.

My daughter loved class and it was by far my favorite activity to bring her to. You never knew if you would be watching your kid swim (or in my case eat) a vat of jello, or learn how to count to five in five languages. The begining and end of class was always consistent and the part in between was always a surprise. I made such great friends with these women and we kept the class going until our kids went to preschool. The friendships lasted though and we stayed connected. Many of them went on to have second children two years later. They started the class up again for the siblings and I hadn't really been aware of it since I waited a bit to have my second. When he was one though my friend told me to bring him for class. When I walked in and saw so many familiar faces, in the same place, with the same music,  but with new kids, I felt a little emotional. It was so familiar and comfortable except that the babies we originally did this with were all in school.

The first time I brought my boy he was a little too young for the group but then we tried it a few months later and he his completely holding his own. He absolutely loves this class. He walks in the door, grabs his key (which is a weekly part of the class to give the teacher your key at the beginning shows that you are ready for class), and then he sits down on the rug and waits. He understands how this class works and feels comfortable in the group which allows him to be himself.

With all the moving we have just done and will continue to do, this class is not close to us anymore. I thought the last session would be it for us, but when it came time to sign up again, I just couldn't resist doing another session. I couldn't actively decide to take something my child seems to enjoy so much and stop doing it. In the first few weeks when I was trying to adjust to our new surroundings I had spent so much time without seeing any of my friends. When I walked into class that Thursday I realized how important it was for both of us to be in this class. In a time when our home keeps changing, its nice to walk in and feel right at home in this group.

A New Year

A few of my friends have had a pretty bad 2014. Some for lack of income and some for lack of luck, either way they wanted to do everything to insure that 2015 was going to be abundant, or at the very least a lot better than last year. One of these friend's is an atheist and the other is pretty spiritual. So while one sets her intentions and hopes for the year the other one is pretty sure it can't be as bad as last year and so it's inevitable it will be better.

In the past I would have leaned more towards the spiritual side and "put it out there" that I want to see certain changes come to fruition. I would have wrote a list, maybe burned an orange candle, I would have visualized myself in the place I would want to be in the future. I haven't entirely stopped believing in positive thinking, I just feel less positive of what to visualize these days.

I keep a daily list of five things I am grateful for everyday. I write these things right before I go to bed. Sometimes the list is longer than five and sometimes I count to four and can only come up with "I am so happy I am in bed now" as number five.  Perhaps it's a combination if being aware of how abundant I really am, in conjunction with how busy that keeps me from pining after a different life. Sure there are some things I would like to tweak, but my present day complaints are so fleeting because they are related to my ever changing children. That fact alone makes me realize how precious the here and now actually is.

If I had to quickly answer what I want for myself these days, it would be more sleep, more time to work out and a few creative successes -- a year to make me feel like I have some semblance of a career.  It doesn't take me long though to realize that two out of those three will come so fast. I am in the thick of toddlerhood with my little boy. He is on the verge of not being so dependent on me. With each day I see the struggle that he and I both have with these big changes. There is also my six year old who comes home form school everyday a bit more mature. She lost her front tooth a few weeks ago and now when I see pictures of her smile pre toothless gap, I get a pang of sentimental sap for my little girl that is growing up so fast.  A time will come that I will pine for the mess, and the noise they are making and the time they are taking from me.

So instead of a list this year, or an image of myself balancing a job and two kids, I want to practice more acceptance of what is than what isn't. There is a lot on my plate, and I have never been amazing at multi tasking. So I know what it is I do well and right now that is being full time entertainer, chef, nurse, sleepwalker, room parent, present wrapping, chauffer, servant extraordinaire. I still have someone who wants me to hold him all the time, so before I wish for more free time on my hands to do other things I need to hold him a bit tighter, a bit longer, and bit more whole hearted. For my little girl just went back to school after two weeks off and I almost cried. We had such a great winter break, filling the time with a mixture of fun activities and staying in our pjs later than usual. I loved having her around that it was hard to say goodbye that first Monday back. I have my work cut out for me with these two, but I can see that these are the good old days happening right now, so that alone makes it a very happy new year!

Innocence Project

Lately, I have been listening to Serial like the rest of the world did a few months ago. My husband and I started it together but after a few nights of listening he lost interest. I had to hear the rest of the episodes but haven't had much time since I am limited to times when my kids are not awake, or my husband and I aren't watching something else on T.V. I am learning to squeeze in listens on headphones at odd times. When I am making lunch for my daughter, cooking, and getting ready for bed. I figured out that if I turn it up loud enough I can hear it while using my electric toothbrush. Thats two minutes right there.

I sometimes question, what would be ok for my son at two and half, could hear since he only understands so much. I can still play talk radio in the car for short periods of times because I think most of it goes over his head. I thought about listening to Serial with him around but I am not willing to take a chance that he absorbs any violence, plus he wouldn't let me enjoy it. The window has closed for my daughter to listen without understanding. She picks up on a lot these days, and has a lot of questions which brings me to how innocent she actually is right now.

At six and half, she can understand a lot. She has pretty deep conversations with us and there are quite a few things in the world around her that aren't pretty that she is aware of. I realize though how much is kept from her too. She knows a lot about the sad in the world but very little about the bad. She sees her fair share of homeless people and knows that they don't have a place to go at night that is warm, and that they are likely hungry. She is thoughtful, sensitive and giving when people are needy around her and often encourages us to share food or money when we can. She knows a bit about natural disasters and what has happened to people when disaster strikes. She knows about Martin Luther King and knows that racism existed before he came and fixed it all. She doesn't know it still exists. She knows sometimes life isn't fair and that people don't always get what they want. Well, maybe that last one is a work in progress, but she understands it to be true at least.

She doesn't know about hate crimes, school shootings, suicide bombers, 911, the holocaust, Bosnia, Rwanda, the KKK, Skinheads, ISIS, and many many more. This past week when terrorists walked into a meeting at Charlie Hebdo and murdered a room full of satirical cartoonists it was all over the news. Saturday when I took the paper out to read she sat down next to me. Her love of reading is amazing to us and opens her up to the world. Most of the time this is great, but this time, I wanted to keep her sheltered. The front cover showed a picture of a fire caused during the aftermath reactions and during the hostage situation. She began to read the headline and I insinctvly pulled away the paper. I gave her the real estate section with pictures and asked her to look for a house. She didn't want to play along -- she wanted to know about the fire. Like most humans, she was attracted to the taboo shocking stuff. I somehow deterred her, but soon enough she will learn and she will know.

Our little boy likes foxes. He can't pronounce the x sound though so he says "fuck" which is hilarious to us of course. Twig will laugh along and also repeat it, which already sound more disturbing coming from her mouth than his. She is of the age where some of her peers are aware of curse words, again she is still innocent in this department, and again not for long. I clearly remember learning about some of the violent acts that took place in our history. I remember specifically seeing pictures of lynchings in the south and also when I watched footage from the holocaust. I remember sitting with my dad and the weight of it shocking me. I remember standing up because it was to much to bear sitting down. I asked him repeatedly as I watched thin naked bodies being buried in piles, how could anyone have let this happen. How did it get so far?  At times my ignorance today isn't that far from my daughter's, because if we walk around thinking things like the holocaust don't still exist than we are all in the dark.

I pray that the world grows more peaceful as my children grow up but history shows that the world as beautiful as it is has some awful dark sides too. None of us truly know how to make it better, but we do what we can and try. For now, when I go in to kiss my girl goodnight I have to pause the Serial coming in to my head until I walk back out again. I want her to remain innocent as long as possible. Once she learned all of this, the world will always look different to her. What she will do with this awareness will be interesting to see, but I am going to keep that at bay as long as I can.