Monday, July 4, 2011

One Week Later

I'm not sure what I expected to feel a week after having a miscarriage. Perhaps a bit calmer about it, less dissapointment, more hope. I have had moments of hope so I guess I wasn't that far off, but I have had more deep sadness then I could have ever expected. I didn't think I would pick up the pieces and be over it quickly, but I had no idea it could hurt this much. I walk around with a lump in my throat, a heaviness in my heart, and an emptiness in my belly.

I have let my thoughts wander way beyond the "what if's" and into real possible causes. I stand by the idea that I was on too much medication for nausua and this little fetus couldn't handle it. I know that it also could just be a chromosomal abnormality, and that either way I might not know. The fetus will be tested in a month -- there might be answers but there might not. I can only trust that at the time I made decisions that I thought were best for me, and for the baby, and now know for next time what I will do differently.

I have always had such a terrible feeling when my daughter is crying and I can't seem to calm her. It's such a specific mix of helplessness, sympathy, and anxiety. This week I feel that a lot, and it's because although I wanted the D&C to be over with so I could let go of what wasn't going to be, I now feel like I miss the possibility. I feel like a little person was taken from me, and it's somewhere missing me, while I miss him. I now this will get easier, but for right now the sting is strong.

The best moments of happiness this week have come from my little girl. She is turning three this week and I feel entitled to see her still as a little girl. She will still get a sibling some day, and she will still be young enough to feel close to him or her. When I see how much newness still surrounds her, I feel optomistic. She is so open and excited to experience whatever each new day brings. It's hard for that not to be conatgious and so joyful I am, and grateful too. It's July and a summer brings her so many new experiences. I realized today how awesome the world waiting for her is. She had her first ice cream cone today and loved it. She saw a billboard today for a movie and I realized she is yet to see one. She pointed to a Ferris wheel and asked what it was. There is so much ahead and I will get to share it with her. Her life is just begining, but for me as a mother life is just starting too.

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