There are unspoken rules about what you can and can't say to a pregnant woman.
Saying things to a pregnant person's closest friend is a different story. If only I could wear a sign stating which topics were were off limits, maybe I could prevent emotional outbursts to random people when they simply try to ask me a question. Or perhaps with a little time, I won't be so hyper-sensitive and cry or feel the earth drop from under me.
It is hard enough to lose a baby when two of my best friends are pregnant and due exactly when I would have been. It takes time to be able to watch them grow without jealousy and envy. It took me a few teary weeks to be able to be with them and accept the fact that we are on different paths. Hopefully I will join them soon.
In the last month I have had my ups and downs with coming to terms with my loss. Last Friday was particularly difficult. I took Twig to gymnastics, where my friend and her daughter, were going to meet us. She was running late and we had been texting earlier in the morning and she knew I wasn't in my best mood. When she walked in, I was helping Twig roll down a ramp. As she ran after her daughter, she gave me a sympathetic look which in one second communicated to me how well she knows me. And that she understood. She gave me a hug and the first thing I felt was her growing belly against mine. That part is hard for me, but it's getting easier each day. She also looked amazing in a cool dress with a Harley Davidson belt just under her belly, so it was hard to look at her without seeing how cute she is -- baby and all. I went back to help Twig navigate through the obstacle course when a woman whispered in my ear "Is your friend pregnant?"
An innocent question, but I didn't see it coming at all. I was so caught off guard that my response came out of my mouth without thinking. My mood earlier in the morning was due to how off my cycle had been since my D&C and how long it was taking me to regulate. Even if I wanted to try again for another baby, my body just wasn't ready yet. This poor woman didn't want to assume anything and ask my friend if she was pregnant, so she chose what she thought as the safer bet. I wasn't the only one to notice her growing belly, and so just in case she was wrong, this woman tapped my shoulder, at the worst possible moment, on the worst possible day. I turned around, looked at her (possibly with a touch of insanity and desperation) and said, "Yes -- and I am not."
I was shocked at my own response to this woman whose name I don't even know. I quicky glanced at my friend who noticed the interaction but couldn't hear, and suddenly burst into tears. I left my daughter with my friend and ran to the bathroom to sob. It was a mess of a morning, and I needed to pull it together, but not before falling apart a little more in a stinky bathroom stall. I went back told my friend what happened -- she couldn't stop laughing. When I finally saw the humor in it myself, I went to over to the woman and apologized. I explained as quickly as I could why I was so sensitive, and that I didn't mean to respond to her innocent question that way. She was awesome about it and said that she understood. She looked over at her son and told me that it took her eight years (thats right, eight) to conceive her son. When she said she understood, she really meant it. I guess no matter what we women go through we all ask innocent questions to each other at the wrong time. Just in case though, I am going to be really carefull how I word things from here on out. You just never know.